Good Dick

Hi.

- Just these? - Yeah.

Uh... can I make a suggestion?

I thought this looked like it had amazing potential too, but it is actually really bad.

It's, like, two definitely underage European girls

hitchhiking through the most unattractive shots of Germany,

greasy fat guys, like, basically, raping them.

I-I-I-It's a turn-off.

We should probably move it to a different section - like "bad".

Um...

- Do you wanna pick out something else? - No, thanks.

- Are you sure? We're open till midnight. - Just these.

Just these three, then?

OK.

- Will you, uh? - Yeah.

How're you doing?

Great.

- OK. Get that. - (beep)

- Two seconds. - (beep)

Due back Friday before midnight.

Dude.

You can't talk to the porn customers

the same way you talk to the ones who are renting Truffaut for the 12th time.

- That was an incredibly odd exchange. - Thanks, dude.

I think it's cool. Now we know she's not mute.

- We're in a new period of time. - McDonald's on every corner in Poland.

- Right, dude? - Yep.

Think we're free cos we can choose between a latte or a mocha in Starbucks?

- That's not freedom, man. - Bad situation. Bad situation.

History's cyclical. It's all gonna come back around.

- Bullshit! We're all fucked. - You guys been watching Charlie Rose?

We are changing what it means to be human.

Oh, come on. I mean, we've always been changing what it means to be human.

The pendulum has to swing all the way to the extreme before it swings back again.

Pendulum? What are you talking about? I'm talking about the end of the world.

- Good night. - Later, dude.

- (woman) Hello? - Uh...

- Delivery. - What?

UPS.

One moment.

Hi.

- Don't I know you from the video store? - I was there yesterday.

Yeah, yeah!

Hey, uh, maybe we could... Oh!

...uh, just get a coffee or something?

Just as friends or film buffs?

- Can we rent all of these? - Can we rent all three?

- Please. We love Alain Delon. - Sure.

When are they due back?

- What? - How long can we rent them?

Uh, Wednesday before midnight.

Hey. It's me.

I have a friend in the building.

I just wanted to let you know, cos yesterday...

Uh, anyway, I, uh... I have a present for you.

It's a really great one. OK. I-I'd still like to take you out.

We could go to the, um...

Museum of Jurassic Technology. Do you know about that place?

I'm really great at picking out films for people.

It's... it's a gift I have.

If you can even call this a film.

- This is from the video store? - Oh, yeah.

Uh, yes, it is. But, you know, no charge, or...

- I'll return it with the others. - Cool.

Oh, when you know me there aren't any late fees, so...

Hope you enjoy it.

- Hi. - Yes?

What did you think? Can I come in?

- No. No! - Can I come in for a second?

My... great-aunt had to go to the hospital.

What?

She's the one who lives in the building. Guess I'm looking after her place now.

But did... did you wanna get some breakfast or something?

- I could really go... - No.

Don't ask me again. It's a waste of time to keep asking me.

I'm sorry about your aunt.

I hope she's OK.

So that's a black mamba. First deadliest snake in the entire world.

Hey, here she comes.

Hey.

I don't know what the second deadliest is. You said taipan?

Go away!

- No, please. Something's happened! - Go away! I'll call the super!

No, please. I need your help. She died.

She's dead. Please can I come in?

I don't have anyone. I'm all alone.

She died. I don't have anyone.

- Oh, fuck! What is that thing for? - It's in case you fucking try anything.

Um, can I open some windows? I just feel like I can't breathe.

Talk.

I was gonna talk.

About my great-aunt.

Talk then.

Well, um...

you have a really nice apartment.

- Which apartment did she live in? - Uh...

- Is this trash? - Yeah.

I'm gonna... I'm gonna throw it away. OK?

OK.

You wanna know something my great-aunt said tonight?

What?

She said, um, "Knowledge is when you learn something new every day,

wisdom is when you let something go every day."

Emerson said that.

- You know that quote? - Yeah.

She didn't come up with that one on the spot tonight, sorry.

Well, anyway, she knew the quote.

I knew your aunt.

I'd see her at the mailbox downstairs. She always said hello to me.

Um...

It's OK to watch erotica. And I say that as a lifelong Catholic.

Catholics are pervs.

- Not me. - Well, you're not a priest.

You're right. I am not a priest.

No one really gets fucked in the films you rent. There's no penetration.

And I also understand the allure of the old battered VHSs. They're like antiques.

I don't wanna talk about it.

Yeah, OK. Neither do I.

I think you just call it that place between your collarbones.

Is it the sternum?

Yeah. Maybe.

Anyway...

I gotta go to bed.

I'm really sorry about your aunt.

Um...

Could I... maybe sleep on your couch tonight?

Um...

Hey, why are you late?

You know it's Simon's day off.

- I have never been late before. - I know.

- I thought you were dead. - Sorry. I am so sorry.

Your mamus called.

- Oh, fuck! That's right, it's Wednesday! - Yeah.

Yeah, she had a bit of an emotional outburst cos you missed your phone date.

You've never been late before. She started screaming at me in Polish.

- I've had to smoke this to relax. - I'm sorry.

That'll be her. Every ten minutes for a solid two hours.

She's scaring Derek.

Czesc mamus.

- She's messed up, Simon. - You don't know that, dude.

She just doesn't love me. And me having this whole lot of love for her doesn't help.

I've been thinking about the great writers.

How many of them were really in love? In love for decades?

None of them.

How many were in love with some girl they were fucking at the time

who didn't even love them back, in this lonely torturous existence?

An empty fucking cave.

- Did you find her clit, Simon? - What?

You know where her clit is, right?

I think so.

- You don't know? - Yeah, I know.

So where is it?

- It's... it's... it's where everything... - Where?

- It's where all the stuff is. - It looks like the flux capacitor.

Oh, my God!

- Stop looking at me, Eric. - I thought you knew.

This accounts for 90% of your problems with this chick, I swear.

- You don't know what it is, do you? - It's an anatomical part of the female...

- vagina. - (sniggers)

Shut the fuck up, Derek.

- Do you know what it is? - The clitoris? Yes, I do.

I am religious about the clitoris.

- Did you get the tape? - Yeah, I got it.

You're liking them, right?

Shut up.

They're terrible, but... but that's part of it for you, right?

Where's your cross?

Checking out my neck, huh?

- I know you're not Catholic. - Yeah. Sorry.

No. It still counts. I'd like you to wear it.

- It's better safety than a meat cleaver. - Butcher knife.

This will keep you safer than any butcher knife could.

Safe from you?

I guess. I mean, you feel like you need protection, so...

- Whoa! Before you put it on! - What?

I have to wash your hair.

You can't wear a cross with dirty hair.

Argh!

- Oh, I hate this! - It's almost done.

- The water's getting in my eyes. - It is not. I'm being careful. You know it.

OK.

OK. Done. You're done.

OK. Come here.

Here. Sit right...

Polish people wash each other?

Yeah.

- I've never heard of that before. - How many Polish people do you know?

None.

- You know me. - Not really.

- This will keep you safe. - You said that already.

- Let me put it on. - No. I have to put it on.

Fine.

But don't brush my hair any more. I'm... don't like it.

"I'm don't like it."

Do... do you wanna watch one of your... movies?

Do you wanna watch one together?

You have to go or I'll get upset. Don't upset me.