Parks and Recreation

- AND TO MY WIFE, I APOLOGIZE.

ALL I CAN SAY IS, I WASN'T JUST HAVING SEX.

I WAS MAKING LOVE TO A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN...

AND HER BOYFRIEND,

AND A THIRD PERSON WHOSE NAME I NEVER LEARNED.

FURTHERMORE, IT WAS WRONG OF ME TO SAY

I WAS BUILDING HOUSES FOR THE UNDERPRIVILEGED

WHEN I WAS ACTUALLY HAVING FOUR-WAY SEX

IN A CAVE IN BRAZIL.

I BET CAVE SEX IS IN-SANE.

WHY?

- BECAUSE OF THE ECHOES AND THE HUMIDITY.

- IN MY DEFENSE, IT WAS MY BIRTHDAY,

AND I REALLY WANTED TO DO IT.

I THINK IT'S A REAL SHAME

WHEN PEOPLE FOCUS ON THE TAWDRY DETAILS OF A SCANDAL.

PERSONALLY, ALL I CARE ABOUT

IS COUNCILMAN DEXHART'S POLICIES,

NOT WHETHER HE WAS HIGH ON NITROUS AND COCAINE

DURING THE CAVE SEX...

WHICH, BY THE WAY, I HEARD HE WAS.

- ONE MORE SHOCKING REVELATION IN A STORY

THAT JUST WON'T STOP UNFOLDING.

IT TURNS OUT COUNCILMAN DEXHART

MAY HAVE ALSO HAD SEX WITH A PROSTITUTE

IN THE LIMOUSINE ON THE WAY TO AND FROM

THE PRESS CONFERENCE WHERE HE APOLOGIZED

FOR HAVING AN AFFAIR.

- WHY DOES ANYBODY WANT TO RUN FOR PUBLIC OFFICE?

YOU'RE JUST ASKING TO HAVE YOUR ENTIRE LIFE EXPOSED.

- WELL, IF YOU'RE SQUEAKY CLEAN, LIKE I AM,

THERE'S NO PROBLEM.

- TOM, YOU'RE MARRIED, AND YOU HIT ON WOMEN CONSTANTLY.

- YEAH, BUT I'VE NEVER SEALED THE DEAL.

JUST WINDOW SHOPPING.

YOU CAN FLY TO BRAZIL,

JUST DON'T ENTER THE CAVE. AM I RIGHT?

UP TOP.

*

- I'M SURE THAT YOU THINK THAT YOU'RE CLEAN,

BUT I BET THAT WE COULD FIND SOMETHING ON YOU.

- I CHANGED MY NAME, WHICH IS LEGAL,

AND ONCE IN HIGH SCHOOL,

A GIRL BEAT ME IN A WRESTLING MATCH.

THAT'S IT. I BET ANYTHING

I CAN FIND WORSE STUFF ON ALL YOU GUYS.

ARE YOU SUGGESTING A GAME?

I'M IN.

- I'M IN. - I'M OUT.

- NOT AN OPTION, JERRY. YOU'RE GOING DOWN.

- NO, SERIOUSLY, I REALLY DON'T WANT TO PLAY.

- NO, NO, SERIOUSLY, YOU ARE PLAYING.

WE'RE GONNA NAIL YOU.

I WILL PLAY, TOO.

IF ONLY TO PROVE THAT I CAN FIND MORE DIRT ON YOU

THAN YOU CAN ON ME.

THAT'S WHY WE'RE ALL PLAYING.

YOUR DESK IS OVER THERE.

- I LOVE GAMES THAT TURN PEOPLE AGAINST EACH OTHER.

- YOU GUYS WILL NEVER BELIEVE WHAT I JUST FOUND

ON JERRY'S FACEBOOK.

A FRIEND. BURN.

- OKAY, AGAIN, I'D REALLY RATHER NOT PLAY.

- HEY, GUYS, WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING?

- TRYING TO SEE WHO HAS THE LEAST AMOUNT OF DIRT ON THEM

IN CASE SOMEONE WANTS TO RUN FOR OFFICE.

- OH, WELL, IT AIN'T JERRY, THAT'S FOR SURE.

HE'S GOT A COUPLE OF 3-5-9s ON HIM.

PUBLIC URINATION.

I DON'T LIKE THIS GAME.

JUST DON'T LIKE IT.

- HE'S PROBABLY GONNA GO ANGER PEE IN THE COURTYARD.

- WELL, YOU CRAZY PARK PEOPLE, UH, I'M OUT OF HERE.

LESLIE, I'LL-- I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW.

- TOMORROW WILL BE OUR FIRST OFFICIAL--

FIRST DATE.

ROGER THAT.

COPY. OVER AND OUT.

DAVE AND I ARE GOING ON OUR FIRST DATE TOMORROW.

I'M NOT NERVOUS.

WHY SHOULD I BE NERVOUS?

WE'RE JUST TWO PEOPLE GOING ON A FIRST DATE.

THERE'S NOTHING TO BE NERVOUS ABOUT.

AAH!

THAT WAS MY PHONE.

- HEY. - HI THERE.

WHAT ARE YOU, UH... WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

- JUST HAVING LUNCH WITH LESLIE.

WHAT ARE YOU UP TO?

- I'M LOOKING FOR SCANDALOUS INFORMATION

ABOUT MY CO-WORKERS FOR A GAME THAT WE'RE PLAYING.

- MY TAXES PAY YOUR SALARY, RIGHT?

YEAH.

COOL.

AND HE LOOKED UP AT ME,

AND HE SAID, "THANK YOU. YOU SAVED MY LIFE."

YEAH. HEY, LISTEN,

I'M REALLY NERVOUS ABOUT THIS DATE TOMORROW NIGHT.

DO YOU HAVE, LIKE, A FIRST DATE OUTFIT I COULD BORROW?

LIKE, I DON'T KNOW, PAIR OF CARGO PANTS.

- YEAH, I WOULDN'T GO WITH A CARGO PANT.

- WHAT ABOUT, LIKE, A SEXY HAT?

- I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT EVEN IS.

HELPING ALREADY.

- DO YOU WANT TO JUST COME BY AFTER WORK TODAY?

SURE, YEAH. TONIGHT?

SEVERAL HOURS FROM NOW?

- OR YOU COULD JUST COME OVER NOW?

I THINK THAT WOULD BETTER.

THAT WOULD GIVE US MORE TIME. LET'S GO.

OH, WHAT YOU DOING, GUYS?

LOOKING FOR DIRT ON ME?

NO POINT.

GIVE UP NOW.

OH, WAIT, THERE IS THIS.

EVERYBODY, I BOUGHT A CROISSAN'WICH THIS MORNING.

THIS ISN'T EVEN A REAL RECEIPT, JUST A SCRAP OF PAPER.

TALIBAN ROBES!

- WHAT? WHERE'D YOU GET THAT PHOTO FROM?

- HEY, TOM, NICE TALIBAN ROBES.

THOSE AREN'T TALIBAN ROBES.

THAT'S FROM HALLOWEEN TEN YEARS AGO.

I WAS DRESSED LIKE A JEDI.

- I'M SURE THAT THE VOTERS WOULD BE ABLE TO TELL THE DIFFERENCE.

- MM, LOOKS TO ME LIKE YOU'RE IN THE TALIBAN.

- WELL, DID EVERYBODY KNOW THAT RON'S EX-WIFE TAMMY

IS ACTUALLY HIS SECOND EX-WIFE NAMED TAMMY?

THAT'S RIGHT. RON HAS TWO EX-WIVES,

EACH NAMED TAMMY.

BOTH OF THEM BITCHES.

YES, MY MOM'S NAME IS TAMMY.

WHAT'S YOUR POINT?

TOM! THAT WAS A JAEGER-SECRET.

YOU JUST BREACHED A JAEGER-SECRET.

- DAMN! THIS JUST HEATED UP QUICK.

* TA-DA

- THAT LOOKS GREAT. - YEAH?

- WILL YOU BE WEARING IT OUT OF THE STORE TODAY, MADAME?

- OH, I THINK I WILL, GOOD LADY.

HEY, WHILE I HAVE YOU, CAN I ASK YOU A QUESTION?

SHOOT.

- WHAT IF HE ASKS ME IF I'VE BEEN MARRIED?

- HAVE YOU? - NO.

WELL, THEN SAY THAT.

- BUT THEN HE'LL WONDER WHY I HAVEN'T BEEN MARRIED.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA DO?

I'M GONNA SAY THAT I WAS MARRIED,

BUT THE REAL QUESTION IS, SHOULD I SAY THAT I HAVE KIDS?

GUY LIKE GIRLS THAT HAVE KIDS, RIGHT?

- WHOA. - WHAT IF I GET DRUNK

AND I TALK ABOUT DARFUR TOO MUCH?

OR NOT ENOUGH? WHAT IF I DON'T BRING UP DARFUR ENOUGH?

LESLIE, RELAX.

- YEAH. - OKAY?

- I JUST HAVE A FEW MORE QUESTIONS FOR YOU, ANN.

"WHAT IF HE SHOWS UP WITH ANOTHER WOMAN?

"WHAT IF ONE OF MY SLEEVES CATCHES ON FIRE

"AND IT SPREADS RAPIDLY?

"WHAT IF, INSTEAD OF TIC TACS,

"I ACCIDENTALLY POP A COUPLE OF AMBIEN,

AND I HAVE TO KEEP PUNCHING MY LEG TO STAY AWAKE?"

- THOSE ARE ALL INSANE HYPOTHETICALS,

AND I PROMISE YOU THEY WON'T HAPPEN.

THEY HAVE HAPPENED.

ALL OF THESE HAVE HAPPENED TO ME.

UH, NO, THERE'S MORE.

ONE TIME, I ACCIDENTALLY DRANK AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VINEGAR.

I THOUGHT IT WAS TERRIBLE WINE.

ONCE, I WENT OUT WITH A GUY WHO WORE 3-D GLASSES

THE ENTIRE EVENING.

OH, ONE TIME, I RODE IN A SIDECAR

ON A GUY'S MOTORCYCLE,

AND THE SIDECAR DETACHED

AND WENT DOWN A FLIGHT OF STAIRS.

ANOTHER TIME, I WENT TO A REALLY BORING MOVIE WITH A GUY,

AND WHILE I WAS ASLEEP,

HE TRIED TO PULL OUT ONE OF MY TEETH.

I LITERALLY WOKE UP WITH HIS HAND IN MY MOUTH.

WE WENT OUT A COUPLE TIMES AFTER THAT,

BUT THEN HE GOT WEIRD.

I KNOW IT SOUNDS CRAZY.

I'M A GROWN WOMAN, BUT I'M JUST NOT GOOD ON FIRST DATES.

- OH. OKAY. OKAY, YOU HAVE A PROBLEM,

AND THIS IS HOW WE'RE GONNA FIX IT.

- I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING. I WEAR AN EARPIECE,

YOU SIT AT A TABLE NEARBY, YOU SPEAK INTO A MIKE,

YOU TELL ME WHAT TO SAY ON THE DATE,

BUT LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, ANN, IT NEVER WORKS.

- NO, NO, NO, WE ARE GONNA GO TO A RESTAURANT

AND HAVE A PRACTICE DATE.

I WILL PRETEND TO BE DAVE, AND YOU WILL PRACTICE ON ME.

- OH, THAT'S A WAY BETTER IDEA.

HEY, DAVE, IT'S ME. IT'S LESLIE.

- HI, LESLIE, IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU.

YOU DON'T WANT TO DO THAT QUITE YET.

- OH! SO, DAVE, LET'S BEGIN OUR CONVERSATION.

WHAT'S ON THE NOTE CARDS?

- THEY'RE POSSIBLE TOPICS OF CONVERSATION.

WHALES, PARADES, ELECTRICITY...

AND THE REST ARE BLANK.