Pete Davidson: SMD

What up?

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

It's very nice-- nice to be home.

Very nice to be in New York.

I, uh--

I had a pretty--

Yup.

You know how you know someone's from Staten Island?

They let you know that they're from Staten Island.

If you don't know what Staten Island is,

it's like New York's abortion that lived.

It's a shitty place.

Nah, there's good people everywhere

but, like, not in Staten Island at all.

Yeah, like, everybody could die on Staten Island,

and I wouldn't lose sleep over it at all.

I'd be like, "Oh, I guess I got to find

a new Xanax dealer."

Like, that's about it.

No, it's nice to be home.

I had a--I had a fucked-up week.

I had a long week.

I had to fly Cape Air.

I don't know if anybody's ever flown Cape Air,

but I'll tell you what it is.

It's a Volvo that flies.

It's a Volvo with wings.

Um, first thing, you pull up to the airport.

I didn't even know it was the Cape Air airport,

because it looked like a post office.

So I told the Uber driver, I was like, "Listen.

I think we're at the post office."

And he was like, "No, this is the airport."

And I was like, "Well, okay."

First thing you do when you get in there--

there's one lady working in the airport.

And when I got in there, I was very, like--

I was like, "What the fuck's going on?"

And she was like, "Okay, weigh your carry-on."

I was like, "That seems normal."

I've weighed my carry-on before.

And she was like, "Now weigh your backpack."

I was like, "Well, that's a little odd."

I've never really weighed my backpack,

but, you know, maybe

there's not a lot going on at Cape Air.

Maybe she's just trying to get a good work in.

Like, you know what I mean?

So I weighed my backpack.

And then she was like, "Now you."

I was like, "Why--why do I have to be weighed?"

And she was like, "Well, we have to weigh everybody

"so we know where to seat you on the plane

"so it doesn't topple over.

'Cause it's not like a regular plane."

And I was like, "Did you just say 'regular plane'?

Why the fuck is that okay?"

It was terrifying.

We walk to the plane.

You could sit shotgun with the pilot,

like he's your buddy from college.

The pilot was trying to give us a speech before.

It was crazy.

He was just like, "All right, guys.

"Before we take off on Cape Air,

"I just want to let you know

"pretty much the most important rule.

You guys know how, on a regular plane..."

I was like, "What's with this fucking 'regular plane' thing?"

I was like, "Get a new spiel."

He was like, "You know, when you're on a regular plane,

"they're like, 'Turn your phones off,'

"but you really don't have to turn your phone off?

"On this plane, turn your fucking phones off.

All right, everybody have a safe flight, all right."

Just happy to be home.

Very--getting a little older.

And when you say that and you're 22,

people immediately think you're a dick.

But, like, I'm the oldest I've ever been.

So, like, to me, I've been around.

Like, I've noticed little things getting older,

like now I can't get hard

by just, like, looking at a picture of a girl.

Yeah, I can't do it anymore.

At first, I thought I was gay.

I was like, "Oh, no, I'm gay now."

I was like, "That's what this means."

No, I didn't know, like, when you get older,

you can't just, like, get hard.

I didn't know you have to, like, bat it around

and get it going, you know?

I used to be able to get hard, any picture of a girl.

She didn't have to be naked.

As long as she was kind of like this,

like, I could always just jerk off

if there's some sort of a tilt.

My mom's cool, man.

She's getting old now. It's kind of sad.

Like, she just turned 46, and, like...

Yeah, she still works and...

she still drives.

She's a trouper.

I don't know how she does it.

No, every day that woman gets up,

I'm like, "You're amazing."

My mom's so old, it's like it's cute now.

Like, whenever she does anything,

I find it adorable and I'm proud.

Like, I talked to my mom the other day.

She was like, "Last night, I got home

"at, like, 11:30.

I just--I went out for some drinks with my friends."

And I was like, "Fuck, yeah, you did.

Fucking Amy. Let's go."

It's weird; my mom's single.

It's a very weird thing.

My mom's single. My sister's a teenager.

It's very weird, you know,

'cause whenever one of them brings a dude home,

I don't know who he's for.

Like, when I answer the door, I don't know if I'm supposed to,

like, beat him up or, like, play catch.

Like, I have no idea.

I'm like, "Are you my new dad?

You want you see my room?"

I give my mom a lot of credit.

She--she had to do a lot of weird shit.

You know, she had to--

like, my mom had to buy me condoms.

I feel like that's a dad's job.

I mean, I never had a dad,

but I assume that's, like, the dad's job.

Like, in my head, how I would get condoms from my dad is,

we would be having a catch, and then all of a sudden,

a huge box of condoms would appear in his hand,

and he'd be like, "Go long!"

And he would throw it, and then I would catch it,

and he'd be like...

I don't know; I don't have a dad.

But I assume that's, like, how it goes down.

I tell you how it's not supposed to go down.

I got home from school.

I was, like, a sophomore in high school.

And my mom was like, "Hey,

I left a little present for you on your bed."

I was very excited.

I was like, "Oh, my God, perhaps it's sneakers."

I was very---there was endless possibilities.

It could be DVDs. Those were hot at the time.

It could have been a million things.

I get up there. It's a 50-pack of condoms.

Every variety, every brand.

And I just wanted to be like, "Mom,

"who the fuck do you think your son is?

"Like, I never even brought a friend home.

"Like, what made you think I was out there,

"like, slinging pussy?

"I hang out with you every night.

"Do you want to fuck me? Do you want to fuck me, Mom?

No, let's fuck. I'm mad now."

Me and my mom are really close now.

I--this is how close me and my mom are.

Like, I send my mom pictures of my dick

whenever I'm worried.

Easy.

She's a nurse.

She's a nurse, so I figure

whenever, like, I get a dot or something,

rather than go see the doctor,

I can just cut out the middleman,

send it to my mom.

That's not--no, fuck you. I don't like that.

You know, maybe you guys aren't just that close

with your mothers.

Yeah, me and my mom are on a dick level.

No, like--no, here's an example.

Like, if there was a line of dudes

waiting to show their dick to my mom, right--

it's her lucky day.

I--I could cut that line,

because I'm with the family.