The Simpsons

Come on, Maggie.

Hi. Sorry we're late.

This is Maggie. We're here for our first day.

Hello, Maggie. And who will be picking her up?

W... A-After she falls down?

No, at the end of the day.

Wait, I don't stay with her?

Research shows pre-toddlers learn best

in a parent-free environment.

Unless you want to stunt her growth, which is great.

We're not supposed to judge.

No, no, it's not that.

I just don't want Maggie to feel abandoned.

So, we'll see you at 4:00.

Oh. Okay, then.

Hmm. Now what will I do with the rest of my day?

I know. I'll ask my favorite mommy blog.

Hmm. Hmm.

Now turn that resistance all the way up!

Come on! I want to see you bitches suffer!

Am I the only one who heard that?

I love it.

It's like being coached by the voice inside my head.

Spin yourselves to death, you land manatees!

Mm.

Paint harder, you sausage-fingered no-talents!

"Sex-prise your man at work."

Mm... Hmm?

What are you doing here?

Maybe you could give me a safety inspection.

Oh, my God, I can't believe this is happening.

I'm so sex-prised!

There's security cameras everywhere,

so we'll have to snuggle under the desk.

On top of the desk, please.

Oh!

Thanks, Jerry! Nice. Real cool.

Now how do I fill the day? Hmm.

What's Well Plus Good?

It's pronounced "Well and Good."

Ugh, why is everyone talking to me?

Well, if all these people want to work here,

maybe I want to work here.

All right, go to tablet seven

to take your pre-application ethics assessment.

Cool hair, by the way.

You think that my hair is coo?

Well, thank you, Lauren.

Oh, by the way, your name tag is upside down.

Mm, thank you.

You're the only person to mention that.

Ooh, major mom vibes. She's perfect.

"I always never lie."

Hmm. Two. "I sometimes always never lie."

"If I never found a wallet, I would always give it back."

What color is the wallet?

Marge Simpson. There was never a test.

Except there always was.

- There wasn't? - And you passed.

Welcome to the Well and Good family.

The rest of you can go. Your r駸um駸 will be deleted.

I'm the only one you hired?

You're the only one we partnered with.

Hmm.

Okay, so I work here now.

I never asked what we sell.

I can figure this out.

Hmm. Candy? Bath bombs? Blowtorches?

$30 bottles of soda?

Uh, excuse me.

Uh, do you recommend the tincture or the oil?

I... The-the tincture is more expensive, I guess.

Look, this is about you.

And taking care of you. I think.

So you have to put yourself... first?

Well, your no-frills, fumbling sales pitch

has won me over. I'll take both. Yes...

Wow, girl, you just made a hundred-dollar sale.

You're gonna fit in great here.

Thing is, what does here sell?

Is this what RadioShack is now?

Mm, no. We're a high-end cannabis boutique.

You sell pot?!

Technically, I check I.D.s.

You sell pot.

I'm a drugs dealer!

Mm, cannabis is legal in this state now.

Well, so is water-skiing,

but that doesn't mean I have to sell it!

I'm sorry.

Marge, don't leave, seriously.

Like, I'm asking.

Drederick Tatum! I own your countertop grill.

Oh, take care not to use metal utensils

on the non-stick surfaces.

But anyway, after my boxing career ended,

I was in a lot of pain.

Specifically, in my punching hands

and my blocking face.

But following a regimen of CBD oil

and medicinal hits from a Pikachu bong,

I was able to enjoy life again.

Which inspired me to create Well and Good Healing Emporiums.

But pot is for Cheeches... and Chongs.

Marge, it's not about getting high.

It's about wellness.

And that's why I've hand-picked the perfect team here.

I'm an expert in cannabinoids

and cutting-edge delivery systems,

aka infusers, decarboxylators,

transdermals and pet suppositories.

And I'm super hot.

And what do you need me for?

Marge, people know you want to help them,

that it's safe here.

Not some place for Cheeches and Chongs,

as you so recently put it.

Uh, I'm sorry. I don't think this is really me.

- Good luck with your lifestyle. - Uh...

Oh, it's a shame there's no drug for hurt feelings.

Oh, wait, there totally is.

You know, in some families,

they go around the table and everyone says

one thing they learned that day.

Okay. I learned that.

Well, I learned that the former heavyweight champion

of the world owns a marijuana store.

And he offered me a job, which I turned down.

Wait, what?

I mean, the people were really cool,

and they thought I was cool,

which made me feel "stoked."

But I'm not going to be a reefer saleslady.

Well, I guess there's nothing wrong with it.

Cannabis is legal in this state.

Yeah, it's basically the same thing

as working in a liquor store.

You can work in a liquor store?

- Mmm... - Stay with us, big guy.

Mm...

Wow. I thought you'd be opposed to it.

People are stressed out these days.

Scurvy is back, there's, like, 60 wars going on.

Whales are eating our precious ocean plastic.

Maybe people want to smoke a doob for that.

Oh, yeah, everyone's selling crap to stoners now.

Have you seen the new Krusty Burger commercial?

When you've got the munchies, for some reason...

Wink, wink... you crave weird.

A deep-fried rib-wich

served on a warm doughnut.

Or a spaghetti-filled grilled cheese sandwich

drizzled with ranch pudding.

Krusty's Munchie Mouthfuls. It's high time you tried it.

Get it? Get it?!

Get it?

I get it.

Well, Mr. Tatum did personally choose me.

He said I was helpful.

Honey, you're the most helpful person I've ever met.

Now go sell the safe legal drugs

our kids should never, ever use!

- Especially Bart! - Uh...?

Is this an Apple store?

Everyone keeps asking that.

I dropped my phone because of my arthritis.

We can't fix your phone,

but I can sure help with that arthritis.

Try this amazing pain-relieving lotion.

Oh. It tingles.

Not like Jergens. I hate Jergens!

You seem stressed. Hmm.

Why not try some yummy gummies?

Marge, thank you. When Mother's happy, I'm happy.

Or at least, much less miserable.

This big shot here is the principal

of a whole school!

Show her your key ring.

Oh, I love it.

Psst. I want to buy some pot.

All right, pump the brakes, Jhorts.

Got to ask a few questions first.

Now, do you want a body high

or a front-of-the-face buzz?

I don't know. Just hook me up.

Mmm, I have the perfect strain in mind.

But be warned, boo,

the couch-lock is strong on this one,

but there's, like, zero mind-race.

W-What are you saying? I just want...

weed.

Okay, almost there. Almost there. Now listen.

- Do you want this in flower... - Yeah.

- Shatter, topical... - Uh...

- edible, nasal mist... - I...

- ear drops? - Look, I just want to score a bag of shwag

from some dude who may or may not be a cop.

I'm a cop.

Have you tried this?

Nothing makes sense anymore!