The Suicide Theory

SubText: NoRMITA.326

Hey Paul...where's the cookie dough?

Had a freezer malfunction...

Lost a lot of what we had...

Just had the new one installed yesterday.

Well I think this one's

working a little too well.

Well at least it's working.

Annie's not going to be happy.

So...how is Annie?

She's pregnant.

Congratulations.

You're not exactly jumping for joy, are you?

I mean it's...

It's not that.

Ha. Look at me. I'm not exactly

fatherhood material.

I don't know the first

thing about raising a kid.

Hell...I felt the same way about the first one.

It's...um...

It's a big step in a man's life.

You know...

Once upon a time I swore I would

never be like my old man.

Now...here I am...

Giving the same advice he gave me.

Packet of smokes...Blues.

Excuse me; can you not see we're in

the middle of a conversation here?

Oh I'm sorry.

I thought this place was a store.

Steven? Steven Ray?

- Yeah? - We should meet.

So how did you find me?

Do you believe in fate Steven?

I mean me, myself; I never

really used to think about it.

But I'm coming round to it.

- Right... - Look the re...the reason I

bring it up is because...

I believe the two of us were meant to meet.

That this conversation we are having

right now was meant to happen.

Doesn't matter what happened yesterday.

We'd still be sitting talking to each other right now.

What's that? Some sort of

Sigmund Freud shit?

It's Elisabeth Kubler-Ross... Actually.

I don't know who the fuck that is.

Is that why you called me here?

Well, did you want to tell me why you

need someone of my particular skill set?

Well where do you want to start?

Say I was to shoot you,

right here, right now?

Right now? No, it wouldn't work. It's against the rules.

- Rules? - It has to happen

when I least expect it.

Okay, if I was to shoot you...

Right here and now...

without warning...

Would you expect it?

It's a good point but... still it wouldn't work.

For it to work...

I need to not want to die.

Right now I want to die.

If I didn't I wouldn't

be here talking to you.

So you've...

paid someone to shoot you before?

I provoked a situation

that led to it, and...

it obviously ended with mixed results.

Right. Why don't you just do it yourself?

What is it about my face that makes you

think I haven't already tried that?

Look, I have gone through an extensive

series of elimination and...

Look I've come up with this theory.

- A theory? - Yes.

Really? And your last attempt

that was jumping off the building?

Uh, sort of. It wasn't exactly the plan.

Why didn't you think of that sooner?

I was scared of heights.

Vertigo I think they call it.

Makes me dizzy.

You sure you want to go through with this?

This is your chance...

If you're not...

people kill themselves all the time...

usually when they fail...

at suicide it's because they didn't

actually want to kill themselves at all.

Usually...

It's for attention.

Desperate cry for help.

This is much more complicated.

Is it?

If you're fucking with me...

playing games...

me killing you...

that's going to be the last thing

you have to fucking worry about.

Look...

if I tell you, you have to promise

to not think it's stupid.

I already think it's stupid.

I jumped off the Humber Bridge

in London last year.

Over two hundred people have

successfully committed suicide.

Now I'm one of five to survive.

This...

self-inflicted gun wound...

look...pfff...

You get the picture.

I'm like Cain...

There's something else

happening here that's out of my control.

You telling me you can't die?

It's a curse.

Pfff.

Is that it?

When exactly am I supposed to do this?

You have to do it when I don't want to die.

How the fuck am I supposed

to know when that is?

Look, I'm paying you a lot of money Steven.

Be creative.

It's a pleasure doing business with you Mr. Wells.

Percival...

call me Percival.

How are we doing tonight?

Coffee...black.

- What? - Independent jobs I see.

Freelancing again.

I needed the money.

You get my consent first

before you do anything Steven.

Anything!

It's easy money.

It's not like I'm making any

fucking money working for you.

We're not exactly working for free Steven.

Frank Dubios.

Is he dead or not?

Something happened.

There was an incident.

That'll be $12.95 sir.

Across the street.

Mind getting out here?

Yeah I do fucking mind if I get out here. Across the street.

Yeah, you can walk across the street.

No, across the street.

Far left corner.

Look...just pay me and get out.

You free?

Yeah I just need him to pay. Alright?

I'll pay you when you take

me across the street.

Sir, you're being very difficult.

Fuck!

Fainted?

It's a seizure.

Still struggling with the

street crossing thing I see.

And as for our old pal?

Frank?

Well that's to be continued.

You're awake.

How do you feel?

You were shot three times.

On the train.

You remember?

Turns out being shot could have

been a blessing in disguise.

While we were removing one of the bullets,

We found a golf-ball sized tumor...

dangerously close to your spinal column.

We were able to remove the

tumor without complications.

Now it wasn't cancerous...

But if it had grown much larger...

you could have ended up spending the rest of your life

in a wheelchair. Or even be dead.

Everything else appears to be tip top.

None of your wounds is life threatening.

No significant damage to any

internal organs, no artery damage.

We were only able to remove

one of the bullets though.

So you might have a bit of trouble

getting through airport security.

Three bullets.

You're very lucky to be alive.

Although I appreciate the effort...

I did tell you the conditions.

You still don't believe me?