United States of Tara

PREVIOUSLY ON

DO YOU THINK DR. PETE CAN FIX ME?

I'M WARY OF ANYONE WHO CALLS HIMSELF DR. PETE.

SHE'S HERE?

YES, THE PERSON IS HERE.

THAT'S NOT MY BOOBY BUDDY.

WHAT ARE WE DOING HERE?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

WAIT, IS IT A HELL HOUSE?

A WHAT?

THIS EVANGELICAL PLAY

THAT THEY USE TO SCARE KIDS STRAIGHT.

IF MARSHALL WANTS TO PUT HIS TIME INTO THIS,

I'M SURE HE HAS A VERY GOOD REASON.

I HAD A BAD BUG ENCOUNTER.

YOU'RE SO CUTE.

SOMETHING HAPPENED TO TARA

WHEN YOU TWO WENT TO SCHOOL.

HIS NAME IS TRIP JOHANSEN.

I THINK I SAW SOMETHING.

NEW ALTER. IT'S LIKE AN ANIMAL.

AH! WHAT THE FUCK?

YOU COME IN WITH HER AND WE'LL TALK TOGETHER

ABOUT THE MEMORIES THAT HAVE TRIGGERED ALL THIS.

*

* OPEN UP THE SKY

* THIS MESS IS GETTING HIGH

* IT'S WINDY AND OUR FAMILY NEEDS A RIDE *

*

* I KNOW WE'LL BE JUST FINE

* WHEN WE LEARN TO LOVE THE RIDE *

*

* I KNOW WE'LL BE FINE

* WHEN WE LEARN TO LOVE THE RIDE *

*

* I KNOW WE'LL BE JUST FINE *

* WHEN WE LEARN TO LOVE

* THE RIDE *

HEY, DR. OCEAN. MAX GREGSON.

LISTEN, I DON'T KNOW IF YOU WORK WEEKENDS,

BUT TARA'S TARA AGAIN

SO I'D REALLY LIKE TO MOVE HER APPOINTMENT UP

BEFORE SHE TURNS.

OKAY?

CALL ME. THANKS, BYE.

SORRY, IT'S, UH, ME AGAIN.

LOOK, I DIDN'T KNOW IF YOU WERE GONNA WORK

THE WEEKEND THING OUT.

BUT, UH, I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS ALONE,

AND YOU TOLD ME NOT TO DO IT ALONE.

SO...JUST...

I THINK I MIGHT SO CALL ME EITHER WAY, OKAY?

HEY.

UM, LISTEN, I DIDN'T MEAN TO MAKE IT SOUND

LIKE I WASN'T GONNA WAIT, OKAY?

I CAN DEFINITELY WAIT.

I'LL SEE YOU AT OUR NEXT APPOINTMENT TIME.

AND I WON'T SAY A WORD. I PROMISE.

YOUR TUMMY MESSED UP AGAIN?

WHAT? NO.

WHY?

YOU'RE DOING YOUR DIARRHEA DANCE.

OH.

NO, NO, I'M FINE.

OKAY, WHAT?

NOTHING. NADA.

BABY, IF YOU DON'T TELL ME WHAT YOU'RE PISSED OFF ABOUT,

WE'LL END UP IN SOME DUMB FIGHT

ABOUT, I DON'T KNOW,

WHO FORGOT TO CHANGE THE DISHWASHER FILTER.

IT'S NOT ABOUT THE DISHWASHER FILTER.

I'M NOT MAD AT YOU.

THEN JUST SAY IT.

UGH.

I THINK THERE MAY BE A NEW ALTER.

OH, GOD.

ARE YOU SURE?

REMEMBER HOW YOU THOUGHT

THAT NONE OF YOU RUINED THE MURAL?

DR. OCEAN SAYS

WITH THE APPEARANCE OF A NEW ALTER--

WAIT, YOU AND DR. OCEAN HAVE BEEN TALKING ABOUT THIS?

ABOUT ME? TOGETHER?

WELL WE WANTED TO TELL YOU TOGETHER

BUT EVERY TIME I CALL HER,

SHE JUST-- SHE NEVER ANSWER--

TELL ME. TELL ME EVERYTHING NOW.

WHAT'S HER NAME?

OH, JEEZ, IT'S ANOTHER DUDE. GREAT.

I'M SUCH A LESBIAN.

IT'S NOT A DUDE.

IT'S...

WHAT?

WE'RE NOT SURE.

IT'S ANIMALISTIC.

PURE ID I GUESS.

OKAY, YOU'RE MAKING ME SOUND

LIKE AN EVIL, RABID SQUIRREL OR SOMETHING.

YEAH.

WELL IT'S KIND OF LIKE THAT.

BUT THE SIZE OF YOU.

I'M GONNA THROW UP.

OH, HEY.

A GO FOR?

HOW MANY LETTERS?

I GOT NEWSY NEWS!

SOMEBODY'S GOT PUPPIES IN THE OVEN!

I...

AM WITH CHILD.

OH, COOL, ALICE.

IS IT A BOY OR A GIRL?

TOO SOON TO TELL.

IT'S NOT GETTING MY ROOM.

ME EITHER.

I WOULD'VE THOUGHT YOU TWO

WOULD'VE BEEN HAPPY TO HAVE

A BRAND NEW LITTLE NIBLET

TO BAT AROUND A YARN BALL WITH.

OH, MY GOD.

I'M OUT.

HEY, MARSH, YOU WANT ME TO PICK YOU UP

AFTER SCHOOL?

UM, NO, IT'S OKAY.

I HAVE REHEARSAL, SO, UM,

OPENING NIGHT'S TOMORROW.

OOH, YOUR CHURCH PAGEANT.

EVERYBODY IN OVERLAND PARK

I EVER HATED AND YOU'RE GONNA GO PRAY WITH 'EM?

I DON'T PRAY.

HUH.

HONEY, LISTEN TO ME.

I'M SORRY BUT THERE IS NO WAY

THAT YOU COULD BE PREGNANT.

TARA HAS AN IUD.

OH, POOH, I DON'T BELIEVE IN THOSE THINGS.

WELL I DON'T THINK IT MATTERS

IF YOU BELIEVE IN 'EM.

THE LORD WORKS IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS.

THAT MAGICAL SPIRIT OF AN INFANT

CAN WRIGGLE ITS WAY AROUND

THAT MEAN OLD DEVIL'S TREE IN NO TIME.

NOW IF I REMEMBER CORRECTLY,

I HAVE SOME RICKRACK

THAT WOULD LOOK NIFTY ON A BIB.

HEY, ALICE.

LISTEN.

TARA HAS A DOCTOR'S APPOINTMENT COMING UP

AND IF SHE'S NOT BACK,

COULD YOU GO IN HER PLACE?

YOU FOUND US AN OBSTETRICIAN?

WELL, SHE'S A THERAPIST.

TALKY TALKY TALK. NAVAL GAZERS.

WHAT A WASTE OF ONE'S TIME.

NO, I WON'T DO THAT.

NOW THOSE BIBS,

PLUS MY PUFFY PAINT MARKER.

OOH, WE CAN SET UP THE CRIB.

UGH.

MARSHALL.

HI, PASTOR.

I'M GLAD I CAUGHT YOU.

GOING TO REHEARSAL?

YEP.

I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW

I GET WHAT YOU'RE DOING HERE.

AND I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN SEE IT.

EVERYONE CAN.

THEY CAN?

WELL YOU DON'T DO A VERY GOOD JOB OF HIDING IT.

JUST KNOW...

WE'RE KEEPING AN EYE ON YOU, SON.

AND BECAUSE NATIONAL HAS JUST TAKEN RECEIPT

OF OVER 35,000 TONS

OF BEAUTIFUL CRAB FROM ISRAEL,

WE'RE INITIATING ABUNDANTLY CRAB MONTH.

NOW WHO HERE CAN TELL ME

WHAT'S IN THE CRAB MOUNTAIN MELEE SALAD?

UM...

CRAB, ICEBERG, EGG,

TOMATO, CARROT, CROUTON...

CHOICE OF DRESSING.

NICE, TONYA.

NICE! GOOD.

KATE, YOU HAVEN'T, UH,

ANSWERED ANY ICE BREAKERS.

DO YOU HAVE A HANDOUT WITH YOU?

UH-OH.

GETTING CRABBY?

I WON'T PUNISH YOU.

I MEAN

NOT UNLESS YOU ASK ME TO.

SHIFT CHANGE, PEOPLE.

FIRST PERSON TO SELL ANYTHING CRAB

WINS A STARBUCKS CARD.

GO GO GO.

HEY, UH, KATIE, WAIT UP.

HEY, DRUGSTORE COWBOY.

ASSHOLE.

LOOK, I REALLY DON'T WANT

TO HAVE TO DO THIS WITH HER.