C.H.U.D.

Dandysubs and cryinoutloud. Thanks to spaceboss.

Hi, you've reached the new residence of ah, George Cooper and Lauren Daniels.

We will spare you the agony of a cute, little message, however, if you'd like to leave one, wait for the beep.

- George, this is Derek. - Hi, Derek.

Look, George, I know you're there. You're just not answering the phone.

Smart, Derek.

George, this is really important so I'm asking you as a personal favor,

please, just pick up the phone and talk to me, okay?

Okay, Derek.

- All right, George, listen. - All right, Derek.

Our deadline on the follow-up article is Friday, that's tomorrow.

I can't write a word, until you give me the pictures.

Have you found the bag lady yet? Have you found her brother?

George, I can't afford to miss this deadline. It's not just the money, it's my credibility.

I mean, these guys are not holding their breath, waiting for a story about a bunch of subterranean bums.

Just give me any pictures. I don't care what they are. What do you say?

All right, Derek, you made your point.

- Hey, George? - Yeah?

- Who was that? - Uh, that was a wrong number.

Wrong number left a message?

- You'd better start getting ready. - Ready for what?

- For what, we have a photo session. - What photo session?

Wait a minute. You are talking about a photo session that I have today?

This is today we're talking about, with the client, Tony and everybody there?

- What are you doing? - I have a pimple.

Why are you putting makeup on your ass?

'Cause it's where the pimple is.

And what are we shooting, a centerfold?

It's a perfume ad, remember?

And what are you wearing in this perfume ad?

- Perfume. - Whoa! That's it?

- That's all you're wearing? - Yeah.

Great.

I don't ever remember agreeing to this. You know what I'm saying?

This is some more of that plastic fashion crap that I told you I didn't want to do anymore?

Was I drunk?

Were we making love?

Come on, let's forget about this and stay here.

You know, make stuff up.

It's at 10:00, Alderson Studios, we're booked, you're shooting.

Come on, don't make me do this, I've been up all night.

Do you know which box my jewelry case is in?

It's still down in the basement.

Wait, wait. You brought up all your camera stuff,

and left my things in the basement? My, my jewelry?

You know, don't you think you better get it?

Hello?

Oh.

Hi, Derek, it's good to hear your voice.

- Hi! - Hi.

Hi, are you the people who are subletting Morton's studio?

- Yeah. - Uh, to live in?

Yeah, we're improvising.

Well, if you need anything, I'm Francine. This is Justin.

- I'm Lauren. Hi. - You're a photographer, too?

I'm the model. George is the photographer.

I gotta go. I roped him into doing a fashion shoot.

- Good luck. - Thanks!

Shit.

No, I can't use the adds from the old--

That's not the point, Derek! The point is I don't want to.

I want new photographs for a new article.

And I can't find the people that I got to take pictures of. They're--

I don't know where they are!

I don't know, Derek. What do bums do on their day off?

That's funny. Did you make that up?

Not-- No.

Not today either. I can't help you today.

I cannot do anything today! Why?

Because today I'm gonna shoot Lauren.

Okay? Goodbye!

Tuesday. Hey, boss.

This one's got your name on it.

Hays, get on the stolen car ring.

- What about the Kirby case? - This is more important.

Than a potential homicide?

Kirby isn't a homicide, he's a missing person.

I can't tie up the whole force just because some guy decided to, walk out on his wife.

This is the fourth time the guy's walked out on his wife in the last two weeks.

Yeah, what'd you turn up on the others?

- Nothing, but-- - Right, nothing.

So they're filed under missing persons. Now, if they turn up great, fine. I'm delighted.

But I can't waste any more time on this.

- But, Captain, you're not thinkin'-- - Hays, look.

I don't wanna bore you with crime statistics, but, uh,

just between you and me, they're not going down.

Now, file Kirby under missing persons and get on with it.

Yes, sir.

Uh, Chief O'Brien, please. This is Captain Bosch.

All right, I'll take it.

- O'Brien. - Chief, this is Bosch.

- Look, I can't keep a lid on this any longer. - You've got to.

You don't understand, I can't.

- No. - Chief!

- You don't understand, It's not my decision. - I know that, but--

Well, if you know that, then you know there's nothing I can do about it.

You've got your orders, Bosch, now carry them out.

- Sanderson? - Yes, sir.

Sanderson, umm,

Run down the blotter, and give me everything we've got in the, vicinity of Lafayette Street.

Yes, sir.

Hey, Bosch! What's happening?

Nothing for you today, Murph.

Nothing, huh? You know, you cops will never learn.

I said nothing, Murphy.

That's a dead giveaway. Now, I know something's wrong.

See if you guys were smart, what you do is you, palm me off a little tidbit of information.

That way I'd never know the difference.

Okay. I'll let you in on it.

I'm about to interrogate a bag lady we just nabbed on a charge of petty theft.

Not bad. Not bad, Bosch.

All right. What we got here?

She tried to lift my gun. I nabbed her.

All by yourself?

This happened at Lafayette and Houston?

Yeah.

- What's her story? - Who knows? She won't talk.

- You let her make a phone call? - Who, her?

She's entitled to one call. Let her make it.

Terrific, wonderful, you look great. You look like a million bucks.

You got a date later on tonight? Give a smile, huh?

Hey, thank you. Come on.

Whoa, what style, what content!

Oh, what art! Oh, my God! I love this profession!

Tony, give me two more stops on that backlight.

Is this what it's gonna be all day? All tits and ass, ass and tits, sell some perfume. That what it's gonna be?

Whose idea was this anyway? What genius came up with this concept to sell this perfume today?

George, you wanna blow this job for me?

- What's the matter? Am I making you nervous? - Yeah, your making me nervous.

This is my first chance for national exposure.

Well-- Very well put, very well put.

Are you upset because I'm posing nude?

No, I'm not upset because your posing nude, Lauren. Posing nude comes with the territory.

I am upset because these people are using your body and draping it with the carcass of some helpless,

little field mouse to sell some worthless perfume which probably smells like sheep shit!

What are you shushing me for? They know it! They made it! They know what's in it and what it takes to sell it!

Stop it!

I'm sorry, okay? I forgot what all wondrous fun this was for me.

It's a goof, it's a joke.

It doesn't matter. You don't care about them. You're doing this for me.

We're gonna bamboozle these guys for big bucks and go home.

Okay?

Okay.

- Okay. - I'll be back.

George, this is Derek. I am having a nervous breakdown.

I've gone ahead and written the copy without you. When you give me the pictures, I'll fudge it to fit them.

Lauren Daniels, this is Dr. Bremner's office. Please call when you get a chance.

Cooper, you son of a bitch! I'm in jail! I only get one phone call.

Ya think I wanna talk to some goddamn fucking machine?

Is that all we got from Lafayette Street?

- It's all the arrests. - You got something else?

Well, I got this, uh, missing persons report.

What? Why didn't you tell me?

A.J. Shepherd.

Wonder if that's the guy I busted five years ago.

- It's not an official report. - Then what is it?

It's a little strange.

Here you go.

Here you go.

Okay.

There you go, sorry, I can't bring you more.

- Well, well, A.J. Shepherd. - Bosch! What are you doing here?

- You called my precinct. - What is this, some kind of bad joke?

Yeah.

So, what's this all about?

- Reverend? - Yeah?

Would you come here a minute?

- What is it, Doris? - Reverend, I have a present for you.

Oh, oh. Hey, look at that!

- So, you're a reverend now, huh? - Save it, Bosch.

Now, what kind of scam you're running here?

- Look, Lieutenant-- - Captain.

- Oh, you're a captain now? - You got it.

Well, look, Captain,

I didn't call up your precinct so they would send you down here

so I could hear your two-bit opinion of my life, all right?

Look, just get to the point, Shepherd. What's this about missing persons?

Oh, Jesus! Would you just chill out? Please?

- It's my family. - Family?

- You mean, your flock, congregation? - My regulars.

My people here. You wanna hear this or not?

Shoot.

I've been looking all over for these people. I can't find 'em.

- Where do you think they'd be? - Well,

Some of them are street people. They're probably out on the street somewhere,

but I got undergrounders here, people who live underground.

I know that people live underground. So what?

So that's the people that are missing.

Look, in my cellar I got a hole broken through the wall.

That hooks up with an old sewer system down there.

It's a regular labyrinth of tunnels and caves.

That's where these people live. Ten, twelve of my regulars.

They come up here for soup every day.

Those are the people that disappeared.

All of 'em?

Yeah, all of 'em, but it's just my underground people, you understand that?

Since when?

Since it's been, almost two weeks now.

You haven't seen any of them for two weeks?

No. One guy, Val.