Family Guy

It seems today that all you see

Is violence in movies and sex on TV

But where are those good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy

Lucky there's a man who positively can do

All the things that make us

Laugh and cry

He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy!

- Hey, where's Quagmire? - Actually, I haven't seen him all week.

Methinks he found a new lady friend.

Don't say "methinks" ever again, Joe.

- Hey, there he is. - Hey, guys.

What-What's all this?

Oh, this little oogie-woogie is my new friend, Albertine.

Who thinks she's French.

She loves to smoke and feels it's not truly a meal

unless you serve bread.

Isn't that right, Albertine?

You got to serve bread?

I don't believe she's ever said any of that.

So where have you been lo these many days?

Joe!

Well, you know how there's hardly any cat cafés in town?

Well, I decided to open a cat café.

- What's a cat café? - It's like a coffee shop,

except one where lots of cats live and roam.

Hmm, methinks the cat café sounds like a great idea.

That's it, Joe! I challenge you to a duel!

Pistols at midnight.

Peter, did you bring a flamethrower?

No.

I also didn't bring one of them laser guns from Ghostbusters.

Joe, look! Look!

I got Mayor West!

Good. We'll keep him till we get a new mayor.

Principal Shepherd, we were so surprised to get your call.

Wh-What's going on?

Mrs. Griffin, Meg and Chris were caught cheating.

- What? - Yes.

They had the Lost Boys of the Sudan

standing in for them in gym class.

Nice block, Griffin.

Nice shot, other Griffin.

This is terrible.

Uh, what do you think about this, Peter?

Bad. Very bad.

Here it is, guys! What do you think?

I'm realizing I may have a cat allergy.

I think it's great, Glenn.

And people really seem to be enjoying themselves.

Boy, if I could clean myself with my tongue,

I'd never leave the house.

Right?

And it's like, if I had nine lives,

maybe I'd finally find a man.

You's joining me.

- Peter, we have to talk. - What fireworks?

After what happened today with Meg and Chris at school,

I sent an e-mail to my sister, and five minutes later,

Google Ads suggested a Christian family camp.

Yeah, the world's better now that corporations read

our most private communications and then sell back at us

the very things they've eavesdropped about.

Even before this, I'd worried about

our church attendance dropping off.

Now with the kids showing a complete lack of morals,

well, we may all need to go to Christian family camp.

Lois, you know I love you like a brother, but I'm not doing that.

I'd only get in an awkward, campfire-crackle argument

with a counselor.

Jesus has love for everyone.

Uh, actually, what Jesus has

is the might of Western civilization.

Jesus has guns, germs and steel.

Sorry, the wood is very wet.

Uh, actually, the wood is very dry.

Wet wood hisses, dry wood crackles

during uncomfortable silence.

I like cutaways where I get to be smart.

What the... what the hell is that?

Hey! Shut up!

Don't look at me! I'm dominant!

Brian? What are you doing here?

What am I doing here? What is all this?

I happen to own this place. It's a cat café.

Now get out of here. You're making all my cats angry.

That's why they're hissing.

Actually, frightened cats hiss.

Angry cats moan.

You can't open this place here.

It's right next to my favorite bar.

Go to hell, Brian. You don't own this block.

I'm not going anywhere.

Fine. But I am about to become your worst nightmare.

No way. I've already had my worst nightmare.

I've told you about my worst nightmare, right?

- No, I-I don't think so. - Oh, boy, get comfortable.

Well, first, I'm driving through a forest,

but it's actually inside, which is weird, right?

- Okay. - And there's all these people

in the van who normally wouldn't know each other in real life:

my second grade teacher, my mom, Joe, but it wasn't quite Joe.

All the kids are yelling at me in German,

and I understood them, but I don't speak German.

Then SNL is starting, and I'm clearly in the cast,

and I haven't been to any of the rehearsals,

and all the cue cards are blank, and that show is all cue cards.

And just as that's sinking in,

I realize I'm also the musical guest.

I mean, I can't pull that off.

Who do I think I am? Silverchair?

- And the weird thing is... - Wait a minute.

Listening to other people's nightmares

is my worst nightmare!

Oh. Oh, thank God.

I got to shut down that cat place.

Okay, Peter, the kids and I are off to church camp.

Meg, Chris, the vans are here.

Wait a minute.

- You got any booze in that bag, mister? - No, sir.

Well, then, how you gonna make any friends at camp?

Here you go.

Now chug all this next to a lake, you little rascal.

Shut down the cat café!

It's a nuisance and a threat to public health!

Oh, for God's sake.

City ordinance 321 states, "Food or drink shall not

be prepared or consumed within 20 feet of fecal matter."

- Damn it, Brian. - Also, Persian cats?

Let's call them what they are: Iranian cats.

This entire operation needs to be shut down.

And as long as Brian's got your attention,

is it taking anyone else longer to wipe?

More wipes these days?

I'm taking shorter poops but with longer wipes,

and there's always this one little line.

I swear to God, it's like there's a crayon down there.

Wait, excuse me for a minute.

Son of a gun, it was a crayon.

Thanks for letting me talk that out, everybody.

Wikipedia states that

"Toxoplasmosis is a parasitic disease spread by exposure

to infected cat feces."

Damn it, Brian, get out of here.

You're scaring away my customers.

They also ring you up on one of those tablets

they flip around at you and then glare

while you pick from three inflated tip percentages.

You can also choose "no tip."

But that option is, by design, much less prominent.

You're a jerk.

But fine, if it's a fight you want, you got one.

I will squash you like a bug.

Well, that's enough of that show.

But, Dad, we want to see what happens at Christian camp.

All right. But they're on thin ice.

Welcome to Sunrise Woods Bible Camp.

I'm the camp director Vera.

Nice to meet you. We're the Griffins.

Why are all these trees bunched together?

Th-Those are woods, Chris.

I only like rooms.

What a lovely setting.

Yes, the fresh air really helps

clear your mind of thoughts of Tom Selleck.

Oh. How frighteningly specific.

Ugh, Mom, this place sucks.

It's even worse than when Dad sent us to 1940s comedy school.

Say, Corporal, what are you writing in your diary?

It's private. Take a look.

Now, that's some good, clean fun.

Also in the 1940s, six million Jews died.

That's it, we're done.

This show is not for the Bugsteins.

Good evening. Quite a battle brewing...

Clever news pun, doesn't really work as I haven't yet mentioned

the subject of the story... At Quahog's new cat café.

Asian reporter Tricia Takanawa filed this report.

Tom, I'm standing here outside of Quahog's new cat café.

Local resident Brian Griffin has described the café

as a threat to public health.

That's right, Tricia. And since I'm on local TV,

I'm gonna talk a little too loud,

and then occasionally I'm gonna turn away

From the microphone to point at things off-camera,

So my overall point is lost.

Powerful claims. Thank you, Brian.

Okay, Brian, I brought everything we need:

water, sunscreen, Fruit Roll-Ups,

- batteries. - Stewie,

you know you're not allowed to have Fruit Roll-Ups.

Damn, I tried to bury it in there.

What are you even wearing?

Oh, this is what Princess Diana wore to protest land mines.

It's sad she's not around to watch her son go bald.

Brian, I'm glad you're here.

Based on the various public health concerns you raised,

the city has decided to shut this establishment down.

Really? You're closing the café?