Explained

In 2004,

the Carolina Panthers faced off against the New England Patriots.

It's considered one of the best Super Bowl games ever played,

but it went down in history for another reason.

Many who watched the game on CBS saw something they weren't expecting

during the halftime show that left singer Janet Jackson overexposed.

Accident or planned shock stunt,

or wardrobe malfunction. Whatever it was…

Viacom, which owns CBS,

will have to pay 550,000 dollars.

The next day, Janet Jackson apologized.

I am really sorry

if I offended anyone. That was truly not my intention.

But the media couldn't get enough.

A, quote, "friend" of Justin Timberlake

anonymously told tabloids

she lied to him and had taken advantage of him

to keep her career alive.

Which was part of a pile-on that Janet Jackson was to blame.

And the next week, when Justin apologized,

he opened with a laugh line.

Listen, I know it's been a rough week on everybody,

-and… -

And could hardly hold back his smirk.

What occurred was unintentional,

completely regrettable,

and I apologize if you guys were offended.

That wouldn't fly as an apology today.

We are in an age of apology.

We cannot read the news

without learning about a new public apology that's been offered.

From politicians,

celebrities,

and even governments apologizing for past crimes.

I think one of the concerns people may have

is that with there being so many apologies out there

that they may be less effective.

Something called normative dilution.

The more people apologize,

the more we expect apologies,

but the less willing we are to forgive.

As people get more sophisticated

and see more of these type of apologies, they do hope for more.

They hope for some sign that it's actually coming from the person's heart.

So, what makes a good apology,

and what power do they really hold?

I can't tell you how sorry I am.

He'll probably have a perfectly good explanation

for why he was so late.

-Then he'll apologize. -Apology!

We come together today to offer our nation's apology.

I must take complete responsibility for all my actions.

I did not come here to apologize.

I'm not gonna change my mind and I'm not going to be apologetic about it.

This is an opportunity to put the past behind you.

"Forgive me, God, for I have sinned."

For thousands of years in the English-speaking world,

as far as we can tell, these were the only apologies .

Apologies to a higher power.

A researcher analyzed all the surviving texts in Old English

and couldn't find any genuine instance of apologizing.

But then, in the 1590s,

Shakespeare wrote these words:

"My lord, there needs no such apology."

"I do beseech your Grace to pardon me."

It was the first known use of "apology" in the modern sense

and a whole new ritual,

performing our inner contrition to our fellow man.

It's difficult to apologize,

and it's difficult to apologize in a sincere, meaningful way.

But there's usually a handful of key elements .

First, an expression of remorse.

So, this is what we think of when we think about what an apology is.

"I'm sorry. I apologize. I feel terrible." Those types of statements.

Number two.

Acknowledging the harm and suffering the victim experienced

as a result of our actions.

That helps them feel validated and understood.

You also really want to take responsibility.

It's really psychologically important for the victim to hear that.

Offering an explanation for your behavior can help .

And then, to move forward…

An offer of repair or commitment to change.

And finally, a request for forgiveness.

In Karina's research,

people usually say they include four or five of these elements

in their everyday apologies.

But in reality, it's typically just two.

You are battling this push and pull

between wanting to do the right thing, wanting to repair the relationship,

wanting to make the other person feel better,

but also protecting your self-identity as a good person,

not only to the other person, but also to yourself.

That can be very uncomfortable.

And public apologies can be an even trickier performance.

It's hard to satisfy an audience of millions.

There are a ton of considerations when one's deciding whether to apologize.

One of the most important is the audience that matters the most to you.

Matthew Hiltzik is a crisis manager

with a lot of star clients.

It's a thriving business.

I'm gonna answer this. I need to just take a call in a second.

Let me do this , and I'll come right back.

Can I pause for one second? I apologize. I just need…

I apologize for these breaks. This should not hopefully take very long.

Little busier than I thought.

Yeah, it's just one of these days.

I apologize in advance.

You've seen a significant reduction in the big get of an interview,

where you have the celebrity on the couch.

I'm sitting here today to acknowledge that and to say I'm sorry for that.

I just want to apologize.

I'm sorry, and I don't deserve or expect your forgiveness.

They're not taking the chance of having to subject themselves

to the interview process from others.

They have the chance to be able to speak directly to their audiences

in a way that never happened in the past.

Which is a different kind of performance in direct-to-camera videos.

I'm very sorry to anybody who's taken offense.

I'm sorry to everyone that I hurt.

I apologize.

Or statements given a personal touch

by writing them on the iPhone Notes app,

taking a screenshot and posting that to social media.

And so on the one hand, it's great, because it's a lot easier.

You can just say what you want to say and exactly how you want to say it.

But even with that extra control,

a lot of people still struggle to hit these marks.

The biggest mistake that people make when apologizing is to interweave

little defensive components in there

that help them save face, that help them protect their self-image.

Expressions of remorse that don't sound that remorseful.

I sincerely apologize.

I'm a comic.

I crossed the line.

I moved the line.

Or sounding too remorseful.

I'm so sorry.

I hope one day that you guys…

can see me for the woman that I am.

Laura Lee later apologized for her apology.

In that video, I come off more as a victim.

I am not a victim in any way, form, or fashion

in this situation.

There's also a tendency to deflect blame,

like suggesting the reaction is the real problem.

I didn't want all the screaming and yelling about this trip

to distract even one moment from the real issues

that I think Texans care about.

Or avoiding "I" statements.

I am sorry she was treated the way she was treated.

Or in the case of Ja Rule,

who co-produced the disastrous Fyre Festival,

you can be a lot more explicit.

Putting your foot down and saying, "I'm standing by my actions."

"I refuse to apologize for this."

This comes with a power boost and self-esteem boost

because people feel like they're taking control back over the situation.

And that's a natural impulse,

especially when the situation isn't so clear-cut.

Oftentimes, we all feel a little bit victimized, at least.

And we all feel like we're the ones

who deserve an apology from the other person.

Which is why some experts say

a good apology shouldn't be a performance at all,

but really, a conversation.

My name is Donnell Penny. I'm from Brooklyn, New York.

Lafayette Gardens, not too far from here.

In the summer of 2011, Donnell was going about a regular day,

until his brother burst into the room.

His eye is all swollen, his nose is bleeding.

He's looking real bad. And I'm like, "What happened?"

And he tells me that at a bus station, he was jumped.

Mind you, there's always been some type of bad energy on that corner,

because that corner cuts off the neighborhood in which two gangs rival.

Donnell's brother was a quiet kid, a bookworm.

So, for me, it was, "Let me go outside so they can see who I am,

and whose brother that was, and we can get to the bottom of this."

As Donnell and his brother walked back to the scene,

they drew a crowd.

When they got to the bus stop, they confronted a guy there

who they thought was involved.

They began to form, like, a circle

and they asked me

why did I do something to one of their friends

on the bus earlier that day.

And I just told them that,

"No. I don't know what you're talking about. It's not me."

And they kept saying that it was me.

I became agitated.

And then Brandon pulled out a razor,

slashed Donnell's brother in the face and took off running.

So automatically I go red.