A.P. Bio

I'm sure you're all wondering

why I'm not up for "Most Likely to Succeed."

As editor of this paper, I had to recuse myself.

I got nominated for "Whitest."

Is that bad? It's not, right?

How could it be bad, you know?

I mean, look at how cool the sword you're drawing is.

It's not just any sword. It's Excalibur,

the most famous sword of all time.

Ohh...

Should we be starting to shut up now, Boss?

One, two, three, four!

I'm up for "Most Original,"

the category formerly known as "Biggest Freak."

Eduardo and I have been nominated

for "Best Friends" again

but we don't need a trophy to confirm our bond.

Yeah, that's 'cause you know you're gonna lose

to Ashley Dorfman and Amanda Jackson.

Ashlanda! Ugh, love them.

I didn't get nominated for anything.

Me neither.

But Craig Donovan made the list for "Best Singer."

Sure, if you like a tenor who pushes!

These, uh, superlatives will never matter.

Nothing matters.

We're all just rapidly decaying meat bags

we patch together with duct tape

till the bottom falls out.

Is your meat bag okay, Mr. G?

Well, we'll find out after my colonoscopy.

I don't know if I have, like, a family history of anything

'cause I don't speak to my dad.

So to be safe,

I gotta drink this muck for 24 hours

then get my butt probed.

I'm surprised that you're opening up to us, Mr. Griffin.

Yeah, well, you guys don't count, you know.

I'm hiding it from adults,

people who don't play Pogs all day

while wondering who shot Mr. Burns.

It's clear from your tone that we've been savaged.

But I wonder if you could do it again with updated references.

I cannot.

And now...

I must leave you.

Buckle up, people.

Amanda and Ashley have had a fight!

They're off the ballot.

This could be our year!

We could go down in Whitlock history.

Secret handshake time?

Gimme that knuckle candy.

One, two, three.

Hmm? I like his new boyfriend.

Hey, uh, Mary. Hey.

Do you remember a few months back

when, uh, we made your grandma believe

that I was a firefighter named Cash

and we were getting married in a Catholic ceremony?

Yeah. Yeah, well, um,

you kinda owe me. I need a ride.

Yeah, sure. Okay.

Where do you need to go? Well, I don't wanna say.

Oh, hey, psst, I know I'm not in this conversation,

but why can't you drive yourself?

I'm omitting that as well.

Oh. I'm obviously gonna know

once we get to the destination.

Unless it's a nondescript building.

It's a nondescript building.

You know, the more closed off you are,

the more I just wanna take my nails and just...

pry you open.

You're like that one closed pistachio.

You know what happens to the open pistachios?

They get eaten.

Well, see, that's the point.

Let us eat you, little pistachio.

We will gain your powers!

Who do you think you are, Ellen's DJ?

Ralph, you look pretty!

Ooh, ya smell nice too.

Oh, well, you look pretty spiffy yourself.

Is that a new shirt?

Oh, gosh, no, this is my grandfather's favorite shirt.

He was buried in it.

But then they reopened the murder case, so...

Ooh! There you are!

Hi, Helen, hi, Ralph!

I like it, so I'm gonna put a class ring on it.

I better squeeze you! Oh, you better!

How are you? Look at your hair!

Hey, Marjorie, Marjorie,

so weird you dropped by

just as I... was gettin' my twirl on!

Ralph, are those devil sticks?

Yep. I got 'em in the divorce.

I am as single as a $1 bill.

Mm! Mm-hmm.

What is that wonderful scent that I'm smelling?

Dark Temptation XL Body Spray.

Ha ha! I knew it was you.

I'm gonna get that for my mailman next Christmas.

That is so yummy on you. Yeah, yeah.

Look at this. Ooh!

Lookit. Lookit. Oh, I can tell.

That looks like something very special.

- It's so special. - Uh-

What you are looking at is a lock of hair

of the legendary.

Weird Al Yankovic. Ooh.

Marjorie, l-look, this is a new trick.

I call this The Body Scan... Watch this.

Whoa! And then... yaaaah...

Opa! Ooh! Ah, that was great!

Been workin' on it. I was in line

at JoAnn Fabrics,

and who walks up but the Bard himself?

So I cut a little bit of his mane

when he wasn't paying attention.

Oh, wow!

This has truly made my day.

Oh, thank you. Your hands have made my day.

They're soft. They're real soft.

Okay! Well, I gotta go

and peddle my wares.

Ah, it's so good.

I didn't want that to end.

Here you go.

Don't return forms until they're fully complete.

I-I prefer to discuss some of these privately

- with the doctor. - Excuse me,

is this where you donate the urine?

I'm a universal donor! What are you... doing?

What are you doing?

You should have told me it was a doctor's appointment.

I've got a great butt guy. Well, he's not a doctor,

but he knows what he's doin' back there.

Sir, your forms!

First blank question.

When was your last evacuation?

Oh, this... Yeah, when was that thing?

Come on, don't...

I think we'd all like to know.

This morning, on the drive over.

What... at the gas station? Yep.

You said you were

buying gum, you little liar! I did buy gum!

Ma'am!

Be quiet!

Everything in this waiting room

must be orderly.

Select a crayon.

Draw your stool so that I can get on with my day.

Draw it?

Oh, my God.

Hey.

Hey, Mary, I'm actually pretty glad that you're here.

Thanks for keeping this a secret, so...

Seacrest.

Ryan Seacrest.

I would never tell Seacrest.

I mean, I think he's got enough on his plate.

You didn't tell Lynette, did you?

'Cause... I just want...

I just want my butt to be romantic.

No, for the 15th time, I did not tell Lynette.

Okay, good.

So you're the only one that knows that... good.

Knows what? About your butt surgery?

Why is he face-up?

Hey, no, no.

No one else knowing... my Seacrests...

Can I ask you guys a serious question?

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Is this where the baby comes out?

Errrr... pffft!

You ladies

are being very loud.

Ooh. Sorry.

Only the patient's ride needs to be in here.

No, actually, we are the ride,

all three of us. Mm-hmm.

Well, maybe you'd be more comfortable

waiting some place more appropriate

like a McDonald's Play Place.

Ooh, I know she did not just tell this Burger Queen

to go to McDonald's.

Mm-mm. Mm-mm.

You said something about a lollipop.

Oh, there's our big guy! Aw.

Oh, are you okay?

No. You're with Mr. Griffin?

Yeah. I have some images

from today's exam.

W-What... w...

So what you're looking at is the ascending colon.

You're gonna see some swelling, especially in that photo.

Pass that down and make sure everyone sees it.