Mom

And the tips I get at the casino

are fantastic, especially from old guys.

Lake Tahoe's full of old guys, so...

You should come, Mom, you would be a total trophy wife up here.

Yeah, alcoholic waitress

with two kids, some trophy.

Are you dating anybody?

Not really,

I'm mostly concentrating on work and saving my money.

I was actually thinking if I put enough aside,

I could move to France for a year,

learn a new language, maybe study to become a chef.

- Sounds like you're doing really well. - So well.

Okay, I got to go.

My roommate and I are gonna go for a jog around the lake

before our shifts start, so I'll talk to you next week.

- Bye, honey. - Bye.

- What do you think? - Every word a lie.

I know, right? A chef?

Jog? It was hard to keep a straight face.

So, what do you think she's really up to?

No idea, but she didn't ask for money,

so I couldn't be prouder.

Hey, it's the whole gang.

- Hi, buddy. - Hi.

- What's with him? - Oh, we need to talk.

Oh, no.

Are you breaking up with me?

What's going on?

We had an incident.

Let's not overreact.

We caught Roscoe smoking marijuana.

What? Oh, no.

Again, let's not overreact.

It's just a couple of hits,

he was coughing like a rookie.

While you were in the house?

No, no, we were on our way to my friend's baby shower

when we realized that Baxter forgot the gift.

It was a box set of Curious George books.

Maybe not important, go on.

So, when we walked back into the house,

I looked through the French doors

and there he was, puffing away in the Jacuzzi.

Where the hell did he learn to smoke and soak?

And where did he get the pot?

He said a friend at school.

He didn't get it from you?

Of course not.

What do you mean, "Of course not"?

You smoke all the time.

You're more marijuana than man.

Excuse me, but Baxter

no longer smokes marijuana.

- Really? - Yes, really.

Candace stood next to me

while I flushed my whole stash down the toilet,

longest 45 minutes of my life.

Are you buying any of this?

It's true.

We're trying to get pregnant.

Smoking's bad for the sperm count

and plus there's fallopian tube issues...

Baxter!

I didn't say who had the issues.

This doesn't make any sense.

He was always such a happy kid.

Why would he need to get high?

Really?

Given how he was raised, you have to ask?

Are you saying this is my fault?

Well... I'm certainly not a drug addict.

Baxter, you might want to get her out of here

before I break that store-bought nose.

Come on, honey.

I had a deviated septum.

Yeah, and you're gonna have it again!

Chef Violet's looking pretty good right now, isn't she?

I thought we were five years away

from having to deal with this.

Really? Five?

He still eats cereal with pirates on the box.

I know, but it's happening now,

so how do you want to handle it?

I don't. I want to pretend it's not happening.

All right, then let's sit down and eat.

You're kidding, right?

Well, you know the kid's probably hungry.

Roscoe, get out here!

Well?

What do you have to say for yourself?

I thought they'd be gone longer.

You believe this kid?

That was pretty cute.

Sit down.

Let's get this over with.

How much trouble am I in?

Oh, I think you know.

I don't.

Well, that didn't work.

Roscoe, after everything you've seen me and your grandma

go through, why would you do this?

I'm sorry, it was the first time.

I didn't even like it.

Aw, he thinks we're stupid.

If you're gonna lie to us,

you're gonna have to try a little harder.

I'm not lying.

You get that addiction runs in our family.

Along with lying.

What do you want from me? I said I'm sorry.

Where'd you even get the pot?

- From a kid at school. - What's his name?

- I don't want to say. - You have to tell us.

Grandma said that I should never be a snitch.

I said never be a snitch,

unless the DA offers you immunity.

Mom, I'm never gonna do it again, I promise.

Okay, well, I want you

to stay away from this unnamed kid.

I will.

I don't even like him.

Yeah, 'cause everyone hates

the kid who gives away pot.

You need better lies.

But I'm telling the truth.

Enough! Go to your room.

Well, this is a nightmare.

That it is.

I don't know what to do.

Well, we know grounding him

isn't gonna work.

Remember when you grounded me

for smoking weed at his age?

Yeah. Hard to do

when you're living in a car.

You sent me to the backseat

to think about what I'd done.

Okay, but at least now

we're both in recovery

and we have tools to deal with this.

What are those tools, Mom?

I don't know, sometimes I just say things.

Well, I am proud to announce

I now have the longest sobriety

of anyone in my family,

including my 12-year-old son.

There's something

for the Christmas letter.

Where'd Roscoe get the pot?

He says from a kid at school,

but I'm still not sure I believe him.

That's where I got my first joint.

Alex Marcucci.

He could roll them with one hand.

What's so special about that?

He only had one hand.

I just can't believe this is happening.

He's only in seventh grade.

Hmm, that's how old I was.

I stole one of my mother's Valium,

washed it down with my mother's vodka

and threw up on my mom's poodle.

Did you get in a lot of trouble?

No, she was so out of it, she thought she did it.

I smoked my first joint when I was 14,

but... I had already done acid and mushrooms by then,

so, you know, weed, whoop-de-do.

Christy, I understand why you're worried,

but this doesn't mean Roscoe's going down

the same road as the rest of us.

It doesn't mean he's not.

Well, the only thing you can do right now

is make it safe for him to talk to you.

Hey, don't put this on me!

My son knows he can talk to me anytime!

I've worked my ass off to be supportive

and easy to open up to!

And you all thought I was the crazy one.

You went online, you read all the reviews,

but here's something they don't tell you

about Korean cars...

no one'll ever steal it.

Hey, Baxter. Got a minute?

Not really.

Make a minute.

I'll be right back.

Sit inside and enjoy how a nation of short people

built a car with surprisingly ample head room.

In here.

So... what's going on?

What the hell do you think is going on?!

I'm guessing... the pot thing with Roscoe?

You're guessing?

Okay, I'm locking it in.

That's my final answer.

Look, I didn't want to do this in front of Candace

'cause, frankly, I don't want to do anything

in front of Candace, but you got to level with me.

Christy, it was not my pot.