Two and a Half Men

Jake?

Yeah?

Are you praying?

It's okay, I'm not in school.

No, no, it's fine.

What are you praying for?

I have a math test on Monday.

Oh, so you're praying for a good grade?

No, that never works.

I'm praying for the teacher to get sick.

Have you considered just studying for the test?

How would that help?

Okay, listen to me.

Even if we were to assume

a God who would be willing

to give your teacher a cold...

Anthrax.

All right, that's it, no more praying.

What are you, the Supreme Court?

How do you know about the Supreme Court and prayer?

This guy on TV, Reverend Don, he talks to God.

And he said you should pray to strike down your teacher?

No, activist judges.

But I figured why can't it work on Miss Stanley?

And you know what else?

If I send Reverend Don money, God will make me rich.

And did you send him money?

Wouldn't you?

No... God doesn't make people rich.

And even if He did, it wouldn't make you happy.

Well, I disagree.

Jake.

Reward without effort is meaningless.

Money alone will not give you fulfillment.

What about Uncle Charlie?

He seems pretty fulfilled and he doesn't do anything.

Hey, let me tell you about your Uncle Charlie.

He puts on a happy face,

but on the inside he is a sad, lonely man.

You see?

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh

* Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * Ooh

* Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ooh * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ah. * Men. * Men.

I'm about to do a load of laundry.

Last chance to change your underwear.

I'm good.

Oh, uh, but you might want to hold off

on the washing machine.

I think Charlie and his friend are still in the shower.

I'll check.

You were right.

I wouldn't wait for me to get that.

Hello.

Hello.

Uh, we haven't met.

I'm Norma Seabury from next door.

Oh, it's nice to finally meet you.

I'm Alan Harper.

Harper?

Are you related to that dreadful Charlie?

My mother says I am, but frankly,

I have my doubts I'm related to her.

I see.

Well, Alan, there's a little red sports car blocking my driveway.

I assume it belongs to one of your brother's hooers.

One of his what?

Hooers.

Ever since he moved in here,

it's been one endless parade of hooers.

Oh, whores.

Well, in all fairness,

most of them don't have the math skills to be whores.

Be that as it may, I'm late for my hair appointment,

and I want that car moved immediately.

Oh, absolutely.

I am so sorry.

Let me track down the... hooer in question

and ask her to move it.

Thank you.

God bless you.

He'd better, I sent in five bucks.

Charlie, we have a situation.

Okay, that looks pretty clean.

Now do me.

This is so unfair.

Excuse me?

Not now, Alan, I'm making bubbles.

I don't care what her name is,

her car is blocking our neighbor's driveway.

Oh, sorry, I'll move it.

You can't go now. You're busy.

Oh, yeah. I'm busy.

All right, just-just tell me where the keys are,

and I'll move it.

Oh, gosh, no.

I don't let strange men touch my car.

Oh, good. At least you have respect for your car.

Alan, do we need to have another boundaries talk?

No, I'm leaving.

Uh-oh, look what's dirty again.

Uh-oh!

Okay, I have located the owner of the sports car.

Is she going to pull it out?

Not for a while.

Well, how am I supposed to get to my hair appointment?

Gee, I'd say you really don't need one.

I think your hair looks lovely as it is.

Well, aren't you sweet.

Are you homosexual?

No, just sweet.

Listen, you don't have to miss your appointment.

I'll drive you.

You would do that for me?

It would be my pleasure.

Sure you're not homosexual?

Positive.

You would've made a good one.

* Men...

You going home already?

Nah, I'm going to the opera.

They can't end it until I sing.

There's no call for sarcasm.

Oh, no.

What's up?

What is that old witch doing here?

Old witch?

She's a charming woman.

Of course she's charming. They're all charming.

That's how they lure you into their houses

made out of candy and gingerbread.

What exactly is the deal between you two?

Why do you hate her so much?

Why don't you ask her why she hates me?

I did. She told me you're a horrible neighbor

who doesn't care about anyone but himself.

Well, there you go.

How can I like somebody who talks about me like that?

Hello, Mr. Harper.

Hey, Norma.

Eat any little kids lately?

I could ask you the same thing.

And by the way,

will she be moving her car out of my driveway any time soon?

Well, maybe people wouldn't park in front of your driveway

if you didn't put your trash cans in my guest parking spot.

You don't have a guest parking spot.

There's no such thing as a guest parking spot.

It's called a curb and it belongs to the City of Malibu.

Hey, if I can pass out on it, I figure it's mine.

Well, with that logic, I... I guess you own my doghouse too.

That only happened once and Bruno was fine with it.

Alan,

thank you so much for a wonderful day.

I'm looking forward to next Saturday.

Oh, me, too.

And as for you, Mr. Harper,

Bruno never had fleas before that night.

You passed out in her doghouse?

Hey, I've passed out in wheelbarrows,

but this isn't about me.

Oh, really? Who is it about?

You.

Why are you dating a woman

who most likely lost her virginity during World War II?

And knowing her, probably not to one of our guys.

Okay, first of all, we aren't dating.

I am escorting her to a charity event.

And second of all, her age is irrelevant.

The only thing that matters is what's inside a person.

Yeah, well, the only thing inside her

is dust and undigested mastodon meat.

She isn't that old, Charlie.

Oh, come on, I'll bet she was an eyewitness

to the birth of agriculture.

Stop it.

Her high school graduation picture's

probably on a cave wall in France.

Are you done?

Mm...

Her prom theme was "Fire."

Charlie, I can't figure out how to turn off the shower.

There's so many knobs.

That's okay, honey.

You just dry off, and I'll take care of it.

Thanks.

How does it feel to be dating a woman

whose IQ is the same as her age?

I can ask you the same thing.

Oh, here's something else we have in common.

Both our girls are pruney,

but mine's gonna plump back up in a little while.

* Men...

Well, thank you for a lovely evening.

Oh, no, thank you for taking me.

I so loathe going to these things by myself.

And dancing.