Kite Man: Hell Yeah!

The smiles never get old.

When I started Villigans, we were just a humble theme restaurant,

but with hard work, dedication and a little bit of magic,

we turned that theme restaurant into a theme restaurant with a gift shop.

A gift shop that I grew into the largest online retail business in the world.

Providing our customers with anything they need,

shipped to them anywhere, anytime.

And now with Villigans Air, the sky truly is the limit,

because at Villigans, we don't call it work,

we call it fun.

Hey, pay attention, pals.

As I was saying, Glider is supes fragile right now,

so when she comes down here, let's not do anything

- that might hurt her, or upset her. - No problem.

- I'll try. - - I am sure she is not that bad.

- Ah! Kill it! - Il Diavolo!

The Babadook! Hey, babe, you look like, uh-

Someone who's been up all night,

with no luck trying to find her newly not-dead mom?

Ooh, did you get those bags under your eyes from Kohl's or TJ Maxx?

- Whoa! - You got her!

You all can suck my butt and put it in a butt container.

Oh, God, am I tired.

Babe, it's only been a day, we'll find your mom eventually.

Not knowing where she is feels almost worse than knowing she was dead.

Um, hello! I am also suffering.

Yesterday I met my true love.

And now no one can give me her locale!

How I long to finally consummate our love.

Our bodies moist and writhing in sync-

Delivery!

Oh, hell, yeah! My new weapons.

Now that I'm gonna be meeting my future mother in law,

I need to take my powers to the next level.

- So, level one? - Villigans?

You're buying weapons from a company that tried to kill and bankrupt you?

Well, sure, but free one-hour delivery.

Damn it! The instructions are written in Wingdings.

You get what you pay for, right, Joe?

Go for Bane.

Yes. R-R-R-Rebecca Chen? Yes.

Uh, sh-sh-she's where? I-I-I understand.

No!

Um, wrong number.

Bane, you clearly found out where my mother is

and if you don't tell me, I am going to take your mask

- and hook it up to Sixpack's asshole! - I'll try anything twice.

I cannot reveal Becca's true location, for it is hell on earth.

Where a sliver of hope leads to the greatest despair--

She's in The Pit?

Damn it, Bane! You and your loose lips!

How did my mother end up in The Pit? Huh?

The League of Shadows runs it.

So do they have something on her? Answer me!

I swear I do not know the pecifics.

You can tell me now or in The Pit. Because that is where we are going.

No!

I cannot go back to the disgust I was raised in.

Plus, I told myself I'd lose 20 pounds and get my neck done

before seeing any of those assholes again.

Wow. Okay.

So you're gonna let Kite Man, me,

- and the rest of our friends go-- - Pass.

- Never. Never, ever. - Um, no, no.

You're gonna let Kite Man and me go alone?

- Yeah, w-w-what the H, Bane? - I will say,

if your mom is in a notorious prison run by assassins,

you two might wanna wait for, like a parole hearing or a presidential pardon..

F. that! You know, I'll follow my babe into the most horrifying of places.

We got dinner at Hardee's last week!

Plus, now I have my bomb dot com weapons,

like my Kite-a-Rang!

Still working out the kinks.

- Fine. We don't need you. - We really need him.

Because nothing is gonna stop me from having my mom back.

Bud, I don't wanna go into The Pit either.

The travel alone is gonna be hell on my intermittent fasting.

But you know why I'm doing it?

Because my true love is gonna be down there.

Do you know anybody who can relate to that, pal?

You are using my heart to manipulate me.

I'm just saying, big guy, double dates.

Me and Glider, you and Becca,

wine country, Catskills.

A winter cabin in the Poconos?

My wool sweater is itching already.

- So what do you say? - Mm. Okay!

But there is only one airline that flies direct.

Uh, folks, from the flight deck, welcome aboard Villigans Air

with direct service to an undisclosed location

in the ancient part of the world, known as The Pit,

and then continuing on to Cabo.

Hey, are you sure your brother didn't want to come with us?

Oh, he can't. He's on a no-fly list because of January 6th.

- Oh. - Yep.

January 6th 2014, he punched a TSA agent

- at a college football game. - Oh, that tracks. You know what, babe?

I never thought our first trip as a couple would be to break your mom out of prison.

I know. But when has anything we've ever done been what we thought it would be?

Oh, yeah.

Hey, when you meet my mom, can you say "Heck, yeah?"

You know, sometimes people get religious in prison, so maybe no swears.

You ducking got it, babe.

You are in my seat.

Well, yes, sir, I am. But I was just hoping we could switch,

so I could sit next to my wife as we're on our honeymoon.

Absolutely not!

I have paid extra for my aisle seat, and your lack of foresight

does not constitute my emergency.

Sir, there's an open seat right here.

But that lady has her shoes off!

When did the sky become such a field of lawlessness?

You're closing the bar? Ooh! Are we gonna have a party?

Ooh. Are you gonna bring some of your freaky ass immortal friends over?

I would never, ever bring any of my friends here.

I'm going out.

My boyfriend is only in town for one night.

Since when you got a boyfriend?

Well, we're on-again-off-again, but right now, we're very on.

What would a Malice boyfriend even be like?

Dead parents and a BMI under 19. You're dating a bad boy.

My boyfriend's name is Jeremy.

He's so bad that he died, went to hell and the staff sent him back,

because he was too evil, even for them. Yummy.

- Damn, I'm getting all riled up. - Too bad you'll never meet him.

He'd never set foot in a place like this. Ugh.

Message from Devil Dick, comma Raya.

Hey, it's your lover!

Heads up! I'm dropping by completely unannounced. Be there in five.

Shit. Shit! He must be tracking me using Find That Mother Box.

I don't work here. I don't work here. Okay?

When he arrives, Mariah Carey rules apply.

No eye contact, and I don't know any of you!

- Hello. - That's your evil boyfriend?

No, that's not him. My boyfriend can read.

The sign says we're closed.

Oh, sorry, young lady, no one is ever closed...

When you're the Gotham City Health Inspector!

My apologies. I had a hard candy stuck in my throat.

No one told us you were showing up today.

That's 'cause health inspectors are like 13-year-old boys home alone.

They could come at any time.

Oh, I gotta use that one.

Oh, Christ, just take what's in the cash register.

Oh, no. I'm sorry there, hoss.

I'm the one health inspector who can't be bought.

All right! Let's get to it.

Not now, Chessure.

I just have so many questions for her.

Like what kind of pizza is your favorite?

Which Michael Myers would you rather bang, the comedian or the serial killer?

Why the hell didn't you try to find me all these years?

Maybe go with the pizza one and then see how it plays out.

You are the only daughter I have and I'm so happy

we're taking this trip together, right, Tabitha?

Aw.

You will listen to me when I'm talking, Tabitha!

I hate you!

- Aw! - Stranger Danger!

Whose child is this?

He was trying to drink the water in the potty.

- Oh, no, Bane! - Sir, unhand that child immediately

or you will be kicked off this plane.

Ma'am, our friend meant no harm. He's just a little stress--

- Not again. - Holy shit. It actually worked.

Okay. All three of you need to get the fuck off this plane. Now!

Oh, really? What are you gonna do?

Open the door and kick us out mid-flight?

On the plus side, we're pretty much there.

Oh, thanks a lot, Bane!

I am not the one who blew the window out of the plane.

I just went into the bathroom and grabbed a feral child,

who was drinking non-potable water.

Not potable!

Okay, decaying limbs, rotting corpse head,

trying to pass off Diet Pepsi as Diet Coke-

Can we hurry this up?

- There's my favorite pussy. - Yay!

Oh, and Chessure's here to.

- Jeremy! - Here you go, my darling.

Some dumb lady was selling these on the ground by the highway.

Now, why is a smokin' hot, filthy rich New God slumming it

in a tenement house like this?

Um, well, surprise!

I rented out this disgusting bar and hired actors to play poor people.

Jesus fucking Christ.

Oh! You mean like role-play?

You saucy minx, you put this together for me?

I sure did!

Oh, I'm so turned on right now.

Rub my balls and tell me how Brexit actually helps minorities.

Hey, Malice, we need more ice in the urinals.

- It helps Joe focus his stream. - Right away, sir!

See, that's my character. A server in this shit hole.

Oh, this is fun. Okay, okay. Okay. My character again is the health inspector,

and I'm about to shut this place down.

Why did you do that? He was like... he was a great actor!

Hmm. I can taste the fear.

It's almost like it's carbonated.

Server, grab me the hottest seltzer you've got so I can stiff you.