Two and a Half Men

Hi, Charlie.

You should know that I didn't come over to ruin your date.

Really? Why did you come over?

To tell you that I'm getting married.

Today's the big day, huh?

Oh, please. There's no wedding.

Would it make a difference to you,

knowing that cute little face

will never pop up over that railing again?

That the one woman who's always loved you and been there for you

is forever out of reach?

Come on.

Where are we going?

To the church. I'm going to prove to you

that she's not getting married.

Look. Tell me if you see a wedding.

I see a wedding.

Two persons present now come to be joined.

Rose and Manfred...

She's really doing it.

...let him speak now, or forever hold his peace.

And we're clear.

Yep, that ought to do it.

Thanks, Freddie.

* Men.

Eenie, meenie, miney, moe.

Catch a tiger...

Oh, who am I kidding?

I love you all.

Let's see. What else do we need?

Oh, right. Ice.

Water in a useful form.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Everybody all right?

Charlie?

Rose?

What a nice surprise.

How are you? Good. Good. Good.

You look great.

Oh, thank you. Married life agrees with me.

Oh, that's right. Congratulations.

So where are you living now?

Uh, Manny and I moved into my beach house.

Oh, so we'll be neighbors again.

Yeah. I'll have to come by and meet him sometime.

I don't think that's a good idea.

The old boyfriend meeting the new husband.

It's a little awkward.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

I've never been that popular with husbands.

Or fathers.

Or boyfriends. Sons.

Surly lesbian roommates.

So, anyway, you're happy?

More than I ever dreamed possible.

You know what he said to me the other day?

Without me at his side, he might as well not exist.

Wow. That's a little gay, but all right.

What about you, Charlie?

Is there anyone special in your life?

No. Not really. I mean, there's gals with special skills,

but I got to pay extra.

You should find someone who loves you

the way Manny loves me.

The love is the same. It's just at an hourly rate.

Don't grow old alone, Charlie.

Right.

Bye. Bye.

What is it with women?

They go off and get married,

and all of a sudden seem a lot more beautiful.

Ah, no matter, MacTavich. We can grow old together.

After all, you're only 20.

But I doubt you're gonna see 21.

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh

* Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * Ooh

* Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ooh * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ah. * Men. * Men.

* Men.

Is it on?

I think so.

All right, let's do this.

Hi. I'm Jake Harper, and this is the Human Volcano.

We begin by drinking a warm can of Diet Coke.

That's not Coke, dude.

Yeah. My dad did the shopping.

Anyway, a warm diet cola product.

Ah.

And now I will swallow a Mentos.

Mentos.

Now I will lay on the floor.

Goggles.

Right. Safety first.

You feel anything yet?

Oh, yeah. It's working.

If it starts coming out the back door,

pull your pants down and roll over.

Good thinking.

Hey, what's going on?

Not a good time, Dad.

What are you doing on the floor?

Whoa! Whoa!

Awesome!

What the hell are you doing?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Are you all right?

Yeah. We were just making a video. Hold on.

Cool stunts.

Cool stunts?

In God's name, why?

You've heard of Jackass? Yeah.

We are Dumbass.

Really?

However did you come up with that name?

Well, we were thinking "What's better than Jackass?"

That's kind of a rhetorical question.

No. It wasn't that hard.

It came down to a choice

between Dumbass and The Asskateers.

I think you made the right call.

Really?

Oh, yes. I applaud your decision.

The plan is, we shoot a bunch of cool stunts,

post them online, and then sell advertising.

Who on earth would advertise on that?

Well, right off the bat, we figure Coke and Mentos.

It's a product placement bonanza.

Come on, let's go upload our premiere episode.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What about this mess?

Damn it.

I'm gonna be taking care of that kid till I'm 90.

Please, God, don't make me live that long.

You'll never guess who I ran into at the supermarket.

Rose.

Oh. She's back from her honeymoon?

Yep, and living down the beach with her new husband.

Ah, good for her.

Yeah, good for her.

You have to forget about her, Charlie.

I know.

That's why I got me some milk of amnesia.

Nice.

What are you doing down there?

Wiping up cola vomit my son spewed in my face.

Oh, great. The Human Volcano worked.

You knew about this?

It was my idea.

You're kidding.

Yeah. It'll make

a great first episode of The Asskateers.

Actually, I think they went with Dumbass.

Oh, damn. I already had a bunch of t-shirts made up.

What can I say?

Well, still, you got to like that your son's got

a little entrepreneurial spirit.

Thanks for showing me the bright side.

No problem.

Memory wipe?

I think I will.

* Men.

Looking for Japanese subs, Cap'n?

What? No, I'm just trying out these new binoculars.

You're spying on Rose, aren't you?

It's not spying. It's...

Shut up and leave me alone.

You said you were going to forget her.

And you said you were going to move out after a few days.

Don't change the subject.

I'm just trying to get a glimpse of her husband.

Oh, that's really sad.

Sadder than throwing your back out trying to pleasure yourself?

I was doing yoga.

Then why were you wearing lipstick?

And again, don't change the subject.

I am simply curious to see what kind of guy Rose would marry.

Oh, well, if that's the case,

why don't you just go over there, knock on the door,

and shake the man's hand?

What would I tell him? "Hi. I'm Charlie Harper.

Your wife used to stalk me"?

I might leave that part out.

And besides, I'm sure he already knows about you.

How would he know about me?

Well, it's possible she told him,

or perhaps he noticed the tattoo

of your face on her left butt cheek.

Yeah, I kind of wish she hadn't done that.

After she takes a hot bath,

I start looking like Edward James Olmos.

Just go over, introduce yourself

and welcome him to the neighborhood.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

Bring over a bottle of wine, little housewarming gift.

Now you're talking.

JAKE and ELDRIDGE: Geronimo!

Oh, God. Are you all right?

Mostly.

Did you remember to get it on video?