American Dad!

¶ good morning, usa! ¶

¶ I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day ¶

¶ the sun in the sky has a smile on his face ¶

¶ and he's shining a salute to the american race ¶

¶ oh, boy, it's swell to say ¶

¶ good morning, usa! ¶

Ugh!

God, that's awful.

Francine, courteney cox played a chef on friends.

Your cooking is worse than her acting.

So I saw something today that's really stayed with me.

After encountering some guys from the football team,

Toshi and I were looking for my pants in the drainage ditch,

And then we saw a squirrel get run over.

oh...

Isn't that the saddest thing you ever heard, stan?

Eh.

Stan, a squirrel died today.

Doesn't that make you feel sad?

Doesn't that make you feel anything?

Yeah, annoyed.

Annoyed at the squirrel for jaywalking,

Annoyed at steve for losing his pants,

And annoyed at the football player for not being my son.

Spoiler alert: The sweet potatoes suck.

How can sweet potatoes not be sweet?

Hmm, frannie?

How'd you take the sweet out of the potatoes?

Let's say grace.

Where's hayley?

Oh, she went to some rock concert.

Rock concert?!

Honey, it's just a concert.

She went to listen to rock music, francine.

That's the devil's music.

It's the number one cause of teen pregnancy,

School violence, and leather pants.

Stan, all you ever feel is anger.

Why is that the only emotion you can express?

Because people make me mad all the time

For being stupid about everything!

Now pass me the (bleep) sweet potatoes!

Stan?

It's 1:00 in the morning.

What are you doing?

I think it's pretty obvious.

Hayley's still at that concert.

When she gets home, I'm going to scare her straight.

That's her.

What'd you do that for?

You scared the hell out of me!

No more concerts for you!

Yeah, good luck with that.

I will not let you throw your life away like your uncle did.

Spending all his time at the bowling alley,

Running around with that lady from the tire shop,

Flipping giant pancakes with a shovel.

Dad, that's the movie uncle buck.

The point is: You're wasting your life.

Music isn't a waste, dad,

And my morning jacket is awesome.

Your morning what?

Honey, my morning jacket

Is the name of the band.

Oh, yeah, I'm a cool mom... Who can also hang loose.

I'm way into peace... Which is a-ok.

Going my way?

Well, they're playing again tomorrow night,

And I'm going.

Is that right?

Spider say "burp."

God, I hate you!

I'm gonna sleep in my web tonight.

I am furious.

I know, it sucks.

I wish I could go.

Okay, bye.

How you doing, honey?

What is dad's problem with music?

Well, music makes you feel things,

And your dad's a bit of an emotional tight-ass...

And a literal one,

Which is why it took half a bottle of ether

And salad tongs to get this.

Mom!

Ew! Awesome!

I also found this.

It looks like a turd.

Look closer.

It's clearly a turd.

Taste it.

It's... Chocolate.

Yeah, your dad must think I'm getting fat,

So he's been hiding it

In the one place he thought I couldn't reach--

Behind the fridge.

Anyway, have fun at the show rocking it.

Oh, mom, you're the best.

Hey, I went to a few concerts when I was your age.

I'd get backstage all the time.

Of course, back then you really had to work for it,

Not like today with all these sissy radio giveaways.

Oh, you're caller 96.

Bravo.

Fit that whole phone in your mouth,

You might have been able to hang with my crew.

Wait, if I'm not here tonight,

Won't dad figure out where I went?

You leave your father to me.

Hey, everyone,

It's me, hayley.

Sorry I'm late.

I was doing hayley stuff--

Peace and whatnot, tom's of maine.

I'm the daughter.

Settle down, hayley.

Screw you, stan!

Roger!

Wait, roger?

Well, then where's...?

She went to that concert!

Well, I'm gonna go beg for money on the beach

Since I'm dressed for it.

I'll just put in these cia noise-canceling earplugs.

Then I won't have to expose myself to that filth

When I yank that girl out of there.

Then what are you going to do?

Stan: Idiots-- paying good money to see something

They've already heard on a record.

Get a job, hippie.

It's called a shower, you douche bag.

Whoa, she's hot.

Huh, better coming than going.

I'll never find her in here.

Well, that could have taken a lot longer.

: You're coming home right now!

Look, everything is fine.

I'm her father.

you don't understand!

Damn it, I said I'm her fa--

Do you hear an angel?

What?

An angel-- possessing you, living in your heart?

¶ hoo ¶

¶ oh, yeah ¶

¶ oh-ho... ¶

¶ hoo ¶

¶ hoo, oh ¶

¶ yeah ¶

¶ oh... ¶

Oh, my god.

I feel.

I feel everything.

And number 5 feels alive!

Whoo! Whoo!

Whoo! Whoo!

Whoo!

What are we doing?!

Oh, my god, francine.

This band my morning jacket-- incredible.

That's great, honey.

That stuff you were saying about me only feeling anger?

Well, I feel everything now, baby.

I cried, francine, I actually cried.

The way you wanted me to at the birth of our children,

Instead of just punching that locker.

Oh, stan, I want to hear all about it.

And I want to hear all their music right now.

Hey, I can download them on my cell phone.

Cell phone, play my morning jacket.

Automated female voice: Do you want me to call maureen jacket?

You're still in touch with maureen jacket?

No, I haven't talked to her in years.

Woman: Hey, stan, thanks again for lunch yesterday.

Oh, you left your sandals in my car.

("touch me I'm going to scream, part 2" playing)

¶ I'm smiling, too ¶

¶ I see myself in you ¶

¶ I am with it ¶

¶ man, I am wired... ¶

No way! Hey!

Stan, you didn't come to bed last night.

I checked the couch, I checked all three of your webs.

This singer, francine-- jim james--

Has the most angelic voice.

He makes enya sound

Like a russian couple arguing at the bowling alley.

Stan, I'm glad you're having fun,

But you're supposed to be at work.

You're really late.

Yeah, 42 years late.

Francine, jim james writes stuff I think,

Like "we are the innovators, they are the imitators."

I thought that, like, two years ago,

But I never said anything.

Oh, dad, if you like my morning jacket,

Wait until you hear this new band I've been listening to.

I thought you liked my morning jacket.

I do, but...

You whore.