Intelligence

And also Buckingham Palace

have been in touch to ask if we can have another look

at their firewall because the queen's still receiving

pop-ups for erectile dysfunction.

I once took one of those tablets by mistake.

- Did it work? - Yes.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Oh. Are they all yours?

No. A lot of these are international arrest warrants.

I just didn't want to miss anything.

Oh. Anything in there with my name on it?

- Why? What did you do? - Oh, God, no. Nothing.

It's just me and Charlotte from GCHQ

been having had a little bit of e-mail back and forth recently.

Is that the tall girl with mad cow disease?

No. Who's that?

- Morning, everyone. - Oh, shit. Did someone die?

Yes, about 80 million people.

This week, we're celebrating 76 years

since the end of World War II.

By dressing as Hitler and his dentist.

Wait. I have to wear this for a whole week?

Yes.

This is a Women's Auxiliary Air Force pilot's uniform,

used to belong to your great-grandmother.

Wow, so your grandmother could fly.

Yeah. Does that surprise you?

No. I just didn't know women were allowed

to fly planes back then.

I'd worry about how safe that was.

Lots of kamikaze pilots were women.

Exactly, because they're the best at crashing.

Also, I was very pleased to see

that last week's Hinkley Point success

featured heavily on page 3 of the "Telegraph."

Wait. Why wasn't I asked to pose for that?

It's not that sort of paper.

What they didn't report is that, despite GCHQ

regaining full control of Eternal Blue,

a hybrid weapon is already being rebuilt by the Russians

with the capacity to disrupt air traffic control services across the globe.

Gosh.

That's exactly what happens in "Die Hard 2."

Did they even mention me by name in the article or...

No.

Here at GCHQ, we prefer individuals to remain anonymous.

Well, it's certainly working.

By the way, who are you talking to at the NSA about this?

- Aled Jones. - "The Snowman"?

Well, if you want Jonesy and me to put our heads together,

I'm sure we can locate these guys.

Besides, I'd love to take a crack at saving

the whole world, not just this little island.

Well, we can discuss that with Rupert later,

but personally, I feel your ego

may prove to be too much of a distraction.

Oh, come on, Chris. Give me a little credit.

It's not always gonna be about... Oh, my God, are those for me?

Yeah. They've just arrived.

Wow.

Oh, what?

Oh, my this is so embarrassing. Thank you so much.

They're not from me.

No, but still, I mean, it's just so sweet of you

to give me these flowers.

They're not from me.

No. I know, but the way you handed them to me

was just so sweet.

- Can I go? - Yeah.

I don't even remember your name.

Wow. Oh, these are incredible.

Thank you. Look, a card.

Did I not even get, like, an arrest warrant, then?

So sorry, buddy.

"To Jerry. Mwah! Love... " question mark.

I just want to say, if the person who got me these

happens to be in this room, from the bottom of my heart...

Thank you.

Surely, you're not serious.

Yeah?

- Hey. - Hey, what's up. I'm busy.

Oh, not much. Oh!

I'm just a little bit lonely and bored.

Do you mind if I sniff your flowers?

No. Knock yourself out.

Oh, this is something.

Very nice.

You know these weren't from me, yeah?

I just didn't know if you were expecting a Valentine's gift

just because we used to be married.

No, and listen.

I'd rather you didn't keep using that phrase

"used to be married" because it kind of makes it sound

like it was for real, OK?

Right. What would you prefer I use, then,

"sort of recently separated"?

- Again, I just don't think... - "Widows?"

- You know what? - I'd be up for that.

How about you don't refer to it ever again?

OK. You know, I'll try.

OK.

So you're not even a bit curious

as to who they're from?

Yeah. I'm kind of busy protecting all mankind

right now, so...

I guess I was just secretly hoping

that, you know, you wouldn't get anything, either,

and then we could be lonely together.

You know what I mean?

Oh, my God, I almost forgot.

Look what just arrived from... for you in the internal mail system.

- Oh, my God. - I know. Go open it.

Oh, my God, oh, is this from you?

Are you kidding?

You think I'd, what, get you a Valentine's Day card out of pity?

I wouldn't hold it against you.

No. I'm not that nice.

Oh, swear on your life.

I swear on your life, buddy.

Oh, my God.

"Hey, sexy... " comma, "stay amazing. Kiss," full stop.

- There. - Aww.

My God, do you think it's from Charlotte, maybe?

- Could be. - Ohh...

But actually, we've never met.

So?

Well, so she's not really had the full experience.

- Right. Yeah. - Yeah.

Still, it's possible.

Yeah. Maybe I'll just text her and ask.

No. Don't. No. Don't do that.

No?

Nope, because what if it isn't?

- Mm. - Right, and if it is,

You don't want her knowing that you know.

Maybe I'll just get handwriting analysis done, then.

No. What? Where?

Here. It's downstairs.

No, absol... No, absolutely not.

Do not to that. OK. Well, listen, buddy.

Right now, that card could be from anyone.

It's almost more fun not knowing who it's from.

What's your wildest fantasy?

Meeting someone who could fly.

No. I mean, if that card could be from anyone

in the world, who would you want it to be from?

I guess it'd be a toss-up

between David Attenborough and Princess Jasmine from "Aladdin."

- The live action or... - The cartoon.

- The cartoon. There you go. - Yeah.

- Hey. - You all right?

Yeah.

I have a handwriting sample that needs analyzing.

I was told you were the best person to ask.

Case number?

Right. Yeah.

It hasn't actually been assigned a number yet.

Why not?

I know it's gonna sound really weird,

but I think they've just run out.

They've run out of numbers?

Well, no, not run out.

I think they've just used them all up on other cases.

I don't know if you've ever had that happen before.

Who is the supervising officer on the case?

I can touch via scope here.

Right. Yes. Gosh, I'm so bad with names...

and there are so many now, aren't there?

- There's only 4. - There's only 4?

Oh. Seemed like...

Well, I'm guessing...

ma-male.

- White? - Yeah, probably. I mean...

Or not. Or not.

I mean, you know, they could've been more like...

or, you know... or the color of this folder or not.

Well, there are no blue supervising officers.

And I think that is so bad nowadays.

Are you taking the piss?

Oh, no. God, no. No.

I just, you know... I'm on your side, obviously.

- What side's that, then? - I'm like you, aren't I?

You're a Black woman?

Well, no, not quite, but I'm half.

- Are you half a Black woman? - I'm just a complete mix.

- Of black and blue. - Of Black and white.

Oh, so you're gray.

So I have a handwriting sample that needs analyzing.

Oh, God.

Please don't tell me those are for me.

No. No, of course not. These are mine.

You've got another bunch of flowers?

No. This is the same bunch.

I just didn't want to leave them lying around.

It's just not safe.

This is one of the safest buildings on the planet.

I just don't want anyone tripping over them

and risk hurting the arrangement.

Do you mind if we have a word in private?

- Evelyn. - But I only just sat down.