Modern Family

We're beginning our initial descent into Jackson Hole, Wyoming.

Thank you for flying United.

Reckon we'll be landing soon.

Phil, honey, you promised-- not till we got there.

This year, we're going to a dude ranch

with the whole family.

Mm-hmm. The family.

What if Dylan buys his own ticket?

We'll be sleeping in separate cabins.

What if Dylan and I share a horse?

Mm, I hate landing.

We'll get through this.

Wow! Oh, my goodness.

What are you doing?

I want my ears to pop.

Try putting a little Rouge on 'em.

Nobody gets me.

Wow. Isn't this beautiful, little cowgirl?

You hate her sparkly outfit, don't you?

No, I told you, it's fine.

I just didn't like you wearing a matching one.

So we haven't told the family yet,

but we've decided to adopt a baby boy.

From America this time.

You might say we're "buying domestic."

In private... You might say that in private.

Our adoption attorney told us it would be a good idea

to make a photo book to show prospective moms.

Ues, but he thought that Cam's version was a little too "artsy,"

so we've decided to take

a few rugged shots at the ranch to, you know, balance it out.

I don't think it need balancing out.

Really?

It's called "Production value."

Horse.

Look, Jay! So beautiful!

Your ears haven't popped yet, huh?

I'm like the horse whisperer.

But something is making this one skittish.

Whoa. Look at the mountains.

They're amazing.

I've never been this far from home before

now I've never been this far.

Where's a cliff when you need one?

Look, kids! A real life cowboy!

Oh. Come see. Come see.

- Uh-oh. - What's he doing?

Oh, my.

My name is Hank.

Here at the Lost Creek Ranch,

you're gonna ride, you're gonna rope, and you're gonna shoot.

You're gonna see a sky so full of stars,

it'll put your city lights to shame.

And when it's all done, you might just encounter

a piece of yourselves you never knew was there.

Are there any questions?

Uh, do we book spa treatments through you or...

I like you, kid.

I'm gonna call you "Hollywood."

That wasn't an answer.

And who's this cactus flower?

What?

That's my wife Gloria.

Well, she's "Cactus Flower" now, old-timer.

These, uh, these nicknames-- are they set in stone?

Okey dokey.

You ready, gunslinger?

I heard word of trouble in these parts.

Pull!

That oughta fix it, eh, Jay?

You got a piece of it.

I've been practicing like crazy,

all my cowboy skills--

shootin', ropin'. pancake eatin'.

Why? Because sometimes

I feel like Jay doesn't respect me as a man.

It's just that when you say, "Phil is my son-in-law,"

it sounds like you're saying, "Phyllis, my son-in-law."

- That's ridiculous. - Okay, who's your son-in-law?

Phyllis.

I'm not asking for a hug.

I just want to get that look of newfound respect,

like...

Or...

Or... mm.

Yeah.

Check it out.

Two birds, one leg.

Pull it!

Not bad, eh, Old-timer?

Uh, see, slappy only had three fingers.

What?

He only had three fingers.

Who's next?

Oh, me. Me.

Oh, this is good. This is good.

Tres macho.

No smile. Don't smile. Good.

You ready?

Wait. Do I say "pull"?

Sorry. Sorry.

Mitchell, why don't you go find Manny at the spa?

Wouldn't that be more fun?

Yeah.

I realized that if I was gonna raise a boy,

I needed to butch up my life.

You know, I wanted to be able to teach my son

all the things that my Dad taught Claire.

Hey, Hollywood.

I don't love that.

Wanna see something?

Oh, my gosh. Is that a firecracker?

Shh!

Now I just need to find the perfect thing to blow up.

Is that thing even legal?

Not here. It's from Germany.

If they had this during the war,

right now we'd all be knee-deep in strudel.

Watch it!

What you doing, eh? You readin'?

Trying to.

I'm not so good at it either.

- I'm not surprised. - That was a joke.

I'm Jimmy Scrivano.

You want to see me do a cannonball?

I'd rather see you get hit by one, but...

Ha. Good one, gorgeous.

Jay! Is this like the lobster?!

Do I get to pick one for dinner?

Because this one looks very tender.

Look alive, Old-timer. One of your calves is getting away.

Hey, something's wrong with my horse. She's veering left.

When this happened to my Uncle, it was a stroke.

Oh, there's nothing wrong with Buttercup.

You just gotta let her know who's boss!

Beautiful form, Cactus Flower!

Beautiful!

You look like a dadgum conquistadora!

She's deaf, but I can hear ya.

Why are you riding that way?

I'm afraid that cow over there might bite me.

Oh, yes, he's gonna come up and bite you

because your leg looks so desirable with those--

are those canvas?

Okay, Phil, ease that one back over towards me.

- Got it. - Ease him back this way.

Hey! Piece of cake, huh, Jay?

- Huh? - Ease that one over to Bossy.

Which one's Bossy?

- That's my nickname for your wife. - Hilarious.

Go, Mom! Whoo!

Yeah, Mom! You rock!

Oh, I wish I had a rock.

Hey. It wouldn't kill you to be nice to Dylan.

It might.

But, honey, I don't know why you always stick up for him.

Haley can do so much better.

Because I know what it's like to fall for a girl

whose dad thinks I'm not good enough.

All right, you're right.

I can make more of an effort.

That's the woman I love.

We taking a little break over here? Laying some pipe?

- No. Sorry. I was just talking to Bossy. - Uh-huh.

- Phil! - I'm sorry.

Jay, look! I got this one!

I got this one!

She's veering left again.

When we get back, I'm gonna see

if she can track a pencil with her eyes.

Okay, Lily, I'm going to push you one more time.

Now don't kick me, okay?

Aah! Oh! Lily!

I said don't kick me. Okay?

You know it's your own fault that's happening.

Why don't you try standing behind her?

You are an idiot.

Oh, really? I ain't the one getting kicked.

- Why are you following me? - Why are you fighting me here, gorgeous?

This works.

I really, really don't appreciate

you calling me "gorgeous."

I just want to enjoy time with my family,

so if you don't mind-- mm!

Not a problem. See you around, sunshine.

You kissed a boy!

No, the boy kissed me. Okay, Lily?

The boy kissed me.

Okay. Hey, Dylan.

Hey, Mrs. Dunphy.

I was wondering if we could have a little chat.

Oh. You want me to go home.

No, no. It's the-- the opposite of that.

I want you to go home?

No, I, um, I want you to know how glad I am that you're here.

Really?

'Cause sometimes I just get this vibe you don't like me.

Oh. Dylan, no. I'm sorry.

I-I like you.

I-I like you a lot. I just...