The Comedians

The housekeeper comes at 9:00.

But where I'm from, you use a pan, you clean it.

I-I can't get stains out of this thing.

these stains have been there

since the Reagan administration; I don't get it.

Honey, I'm heading to the tile place.

Okay.

What are you doing?

Rosa's gonna be here in, like, two minutes.

I know, but this stupid pan.

He always does his own dishes,

not just when you guys are here.

Happy birthday.

Oh. Thanks, but now they know.

I didn't want anyone to know.

Oh, well, you're doing the sad birthday thing,

must be an ordeal***

At this age honey, everything is an ordeal

What are you gonna do?

I'm letting this one go by.

- No! No. - No, no, you...

Go have a drink with the guys.

- No. - Come on.

I'm sorry that I can't... This benefit, it's just...

She raises tons of money for...

For early childhood development in Los Angeles.

I mean, millions of dollars, and she...

Why don't you come? You can come.

That's not where I wanna be tonight.

I have three Shark Tanks on a DVR

and a bag of white pistachios, I am...

It's a dream night for me.

I feel like your dreams have gotten a little small.

Well, yeah, like everything else.

Oh!

All right. Do good.

Okay, this... I hate this pan worse than Hitler.

Conference room.

Conference room, guys.

Conference room, speed it up.

By speeding it up, I don't mean slower. Go.

Oh, hey, thank you so much for doing that.

Uh, gracias para todo,

um, uh, WD cuarenta también.

Hey, man.

You didn't wait for the "come in,"

but at least you knocked, so step by step, we'll get this.

Huh?

Nothing. What's up?

Yeah, so they sent me over here to get you.

We have a production meeting.

Production meeting? We just had one an hour ago.

Yeah. So, yes.

Uh, this is a second production meeting.

It's more important than the first one.

It's the goddamn cake, isn't it?

The what?

Did you say "cake"?

I don't even know what you're talking about.

Cake, you said?

Oh, you're such a lousy liar.

I know.

I just... I love birthdays.

Ooh, it's hot.

Do we know, are they... Are they coming soon?

Anybody?

Whoo! Ahh! Ooh!

Just act surprised when you walk in, okay?

All right, let's get this over with, but, Josh...

- Yeah? - No song.

It's like getting a sizzling dish delivered to you

in a Chinese restaurant... Everybody stares at you

and you're a little sweaty. No song.

No, there was never gonna be a song.

You and I are...

on the same page.

No! Stop, no! No song. We're not doing that.

Oh, look at this. This is really something.

Thank you. This cake is responsible for global warming.

- Make a wish. - All right.

My wish, is that you all get back to work.

No, don't say it out loud.

It won't come true if you say it out loud.

I was joking, Kristen. I was just... I was just joking.

Thanks, I really appreciate it.

Hey, Billy! Hey, Billy!

Hey, wait up. Hey.

What's up?

Hey, bud, are you okay?

Yeah. Are you okay?

Your hearts beating so fast, your shirt's moving.

I have a resp... I have a... I'm fat.

So, uh...

No, I'm all right. It's just, uh...

It's one of those days, Josh.

I get like this sometimes on my birthday.

Yeah, I hear that. I hear that.

I turned 33 last year, and it was like, Jesus.

Literally, Jesus died when he was my age,

and you're, what, twice that?

You should get a job at one of those suicide hotlines.

You have a very soothing way about you.

No! No, no, no, no. I don't mean it like that.

I just meant, you know, you're...

I mean, you're gonna be around for a decent amount of time.

I'm gonna go.

Make sure you don't talk to anybody who looks sad.

You could put them right over the edge.

Where, uh, where are you off to right now?

You know, actually, I don't even know.

I don't know.

The kids are out of town for the week,

and Julie's got something all day and tonight.

And I just... I don't know, man.

I just think I'll take a drive, I don't know.

You're just gonna drive around alone?

Yeah.

Like a... like a pervert?

Why like a pervert?

I mean, if you go by parks and stuff.

You can't be alone, dude.

This is... It's your birthday.

Billy Crystal was born today.

I mean, not today, but a ton of years ago on this date.

I'm not gonna let you be alone.

That would be cruel. We're going out.

We're gonna go celebrate. Come on!

I'm gonna make it lower, okay?

It's too loud. I'm sorry.

Sure.

You a little bit regretting

asking me to come along with you?

- A little bit. - A little bit.

A little bit. A little bit.

Oh, my God, I love Joe Pesci.

It was De Niro.

Doesn't make me love Joe Pesci any less.

Hey, you know what, get in your right lane.

You're gonna make a right turn. I wanna show you something.

- Make a... make a right turn. - Where? Here?

Josh, you're getting too close.

- Josh! - you asshole!

Yeah, suck on that little bitch

Just up here right?

You all right?

- Yeah. - I'll be fine.

Not you. You almost killed everybody.

- Oh, sorry about that. - Pull over here.

Do you know the significance of these steps?

Is it because life is like stairs?

Each year is a step, and when you get to the top,

you look back down at your life and...

No. No.

- No? - Come on.

Laurel & Hardy

shot The Music Box on these stairs.

- No. - Yeah.

What? The Music Box was shot here?

- Yeah. - You're kidding me.

You never heard of it, did you?

I've heard of music boxes.

I've never heard of The Music Box.

It won the Academy Award for best short film, 1932.

Wow, did people used to care about that category back then,

or was it like it is now?

Okay, the two of them are delivering a crated piano,

huge piano.

And they have to push it up, and they hardly say a word.

Uh-huh.

And every time they get to a different point in these stairs,

somebody comes down and knocks the piano down.

It goes flying down the stairs and crashes onto the street.

So they have to start over and over and over again.

So finally, at the end of the movie,

they get it to this house, which is way up there.

And there's a guy who walks by, and he goes,

"You mugs brought this piano up those stairs?

"You didn't have to do that. There's a road over there.

You could just drive up in your truck and deliver it there."

So you know what these two idiots do?

They push the piano all the way down the stairs,

back down to the street, load it back on the truck,

and drive it up the driveway to deliver it to the house.

Right?

They bring it back down?

All the way down.

The only thing funnier than watching a slapstick comedy

from the 1930s

is having somebody describe it to you

while you pretend to laugh because it's their birthday.

It is so hilarious. It is so far ahead of its time.

That sounds so good.

Yeah.

I've gotta see this. Haha!

Do you wanna head back?

No, no. Come on. I wanna...

Keep going? Sure.

I wanna finish this.

Sure, sure, sure.

Yeah. All right, come on.