Two and a Half Men

Oh, I knew it.

There's no extra foam in my latte.

You ask for extra foam,

you might as well be asking for a piggyback ride,

you know what I mean?

Charlie? Charlie?

Oh! Of course.

Man's got a heat-seeking missile in his pants.

Is it too much to ask

that when we go out for a cup of coffee

you at least stay within earshot

so I'm not talking to myself like a crazy person?

And again, I'm talking to myself like a crazy person.

: Look!

Yes, I see.

Girl pretty. Charlie like.

No, girl magnificent.

Charlie buy her Lexus.

Okay, I thought we were going

to be hanging out together,

but obviously, your neurotic need

for meaningless sex is more important

than spending time with your only brother,

who despite everything, continues to love you,

and is, by the way, your best hope

for a viable kidney transplant.

You can get yourself home, right?

What, what makes you think

that she's even available?

Maybe she's married. Maybe she's gay.

Maybe she's a guy.

Hey, I don't see a ring, a girlfriend or a bulge.

Now if you'll excuse me,

it's time to do that voodoo that I do do so well.

Hi.

I'm Charlie.

Don't care.

And you are?

Not interested.

How do you know?

I know.

Okay, then.

What, you think it's over?

'Cause it's not over.

Oh, oh, I'm sorry.

I guess I was misled

by her complete and utter indifference to you.

Yeah, well, watch and learn.

So...

Go away.

How about now? Is it over now?

It's not an exact science.

Look, if you knew me at all and shut me down,

that would be one thing,

but to be dismissed on a simple hello,

that's a tough pill to swallow.

Would you rather I give it to you

in a suppository?

Well, to be perfectly honest...

Good-bye.

Hey, hey, did you hear that?

What?

It's a, it's a fat lady and she's... singing.

You'd give up right now, wouldn't you?

Charlie, Elvis has left the building.

Giving up is a little moot at this point.

Yeah, well, that attitude is why you sleep alone

with a copy of Monster Boobs magazine under your pillow.

Stay out of my room.

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men... *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men... *

Men, men, men, men, manly men *

* Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men. *

* Men.

"Waverly Dance Studio, 3737 Waverly Street."

Got it.

"Westwood Academy of Dance, 14001 Pico Boulevard."

What's going on?

I'm mapping out all the dance studios

in a five-mile radius of the coffee shop.

Why?

I can't stop thinking about that girl I met.

I have to find her.

Hmm, it's a shame

you can't let your penis sniff a piece

of her clothing.

Look, I know her name: Mia.

It was written on her coffee cup.

I know she's a dancer.

She was wearing those leg-warmer thingies

and reading a dance magazine.

Just 'cause you're reading a dance magazine

doesn't make you a dancer.

Why not? You're a monster boob.

Will you both stay out of my room?!

I'll tell you something.

Why do you want to go to all this trouble

to track down a girl who showed less than no interest in you?

A girl who seemed actually repulsed by your very being.

A girl whose skin visibly crawled at your mere proximity.

Yeah, but did you see her butt?

It was like a ripe little peach.

That's your answer? Her ass reminded you of fruit?

Berta, explain it to him.

Well, a lot of the times

a peach will have a subtle cleft in it

that is visually reminiscent of a woman's...

Thanks, thanks. I got it.

Alan, do you know why Sir Edmund Hillary

wanted to scale Mount Everest?

Because it reminded him of a big pointy melon?

That's part of the reason.

But the main reason was he wanted to do it

because everyone thought it was impossible.

No, I'm missing the connection here.

If a girl like Mia were easy to climb,

her head would be covered with flags.

So you're looking for a challenge.

Exactly.

No one takes a picture of the fish that jumps on your boat.

I'm confused. Is she a mountain or a fish?

Doesn't matter. Either way, I'm going to scale her.

And you, why do you enable this behavior?

Why? I'll tell you why.

Because your brother is the embodiment

of the can-do, roll-up-your-sleep spirit

that made this country great.

He never gets discouraged; he goes after what he wants;

and he doesn't know the meaning of the word quit.

And if the day should come when any man,

no matter how humble, can't go out there

and soil the loins of some hot little dancer

well, I don't want to live in that America.

* O, beautiful, for spacious skies *

* For amber waves of grain...

Demi plie, grand plie.

Okay, very good.

Now reverse, demi plie, demi plie,

grand plie.

Oh, leave me alone.

Keep going.

Hey, you're a teacher.

Hey, you're a stalker.

No, no, I was just passing by and happened

to look in the window.

What's the map for?

Oh, this.

Well, I had to go to eight other dance studios

before I found the right window.

Okay, I suppose that could be interpreted as stalking,

but it could just as easily be seen

as sincerity, persistence, enthusiasm.

Mental illness.

Oh, come on.

I'm clearly smitten. Throw me a bone.

Charlie... You remembered my name.

That's got to mean something.

Yeah, I wrote it down

in case I needed to call the cops.

Charlie, I don't have time for dating right now.

I'm completely focused on my work.

Okay, let's talk about work.

I've always wanted to learn to dance. Can you teach me?

I only teach children.

You don't have a class full of large, slow kids

I could be part of?

All right, how about this?

My nephew loves to dance.

A gifted little boy. Moves like a gazelle.

How old is he?

I don't know. 11, 12.

It's hard to say. He's got a big head.

Frankly, I'd love to have a boy in the class.

It's hard to get males that age

excited about ballet.

Really? 'Cause Jake is just "ballet" this and "ballet" that.

Yeah, I'm sure.

Tell you what.

Why don't you bring him by tomorrow?

Great. Maybe afterward, you and I...

Charlie, listen carefully.

You and I? Never gonna happen.

Understood. See you tomorrow.

Charlie to base camp.

I'm beginning my ascent.

* Men.

How do you liking the pizza

your old Uncle Charlie bought especially for his little buddy?

It's good.

Well, save room. I've got a half gallon

of that double fudge brownie ice cream you like.

I don't know. I'm pretty stuffed.

You sure?

Maybe after I poop.

What are you doing?

We're eating dinner.

You had dinner an hour ago.

Well, then he won't need breakfast.