Date Movie

Idiot. Hell, no, I won't marry you. Gosh!

What would you do if you were in a situation like this? Gosh!

Gosh! Gosh! Gosh!

DON'T VOTE FOR PEDRO

JULIA JONES'S Diary

Dear Diary, I had that nightmare again.

Weight 389 lbs. cigarettes 1,42 per day Alcohol units - Tara Reid status

I fear I'll never get married.

L

Maybe I am destined to be a sad old spinster...

...whose only companionship comes from an absurd amount of cats.

No, that won't be me!

I believe in true love.

My knight in shining armor is out there somewhere...

...and I'm gonna find him.

Oh, shit.

GREEK DINER

Hi, Dad.

Look here, Julia.

When you gonna find a man and get married?

You looking old, fat, and saggy.

And the mole on your forearm, it's growing a mole.

Let's put some hummus on it.

Cures everything.

Baby, you gotta find a man.

In our race to protect our Greek heritage...

Yes, yes, yes. And my heritage too.

Let us not forget, you're also one half Indian.

- Your mother's right. - Big sister, we also Japanese.

And Jewish.

So you're telling me I have to marry a guy who's a Greek-Indian-Japanese-Jew?

Baby, you're acting like that's hard to find. I mean, look around. They everywhere.

Nicky. Nicky!

You're Greek, right?

Yeah. And Indian and Japanese and a Jew.

You wanna go out with my daughter?

No, I don't like redheads. Sorry.

Dad, I know I'm no beauty, but I'm not gonna settle.

I respect our heritage, but I believe love is blind.

Somewhere out there is my true love.

No! Back to work.

Coffee?

- More coffee? - Excellent.

Jolly good. I quite fancy some...

...more coffee, actually.

Pick up.

Pick up! Pick up!

- Okay. - Pick up!

I'm coming.

Hitch Feeling all alone? Hitch'll find you someone to bone

HITCH - DATE DOCTOR M.D., Ph.D., DDS... OBGYN

Oh, hell, no!

- You're Hitch? - You got a problem with that?

Please, I'm desperate.

Even I can't help you, and I found Star Jones a husband.

Shit. Come on in.

Thanks for seeing me. I heard you're the best.

You're goddamn right I'm the best!

Look at all the couples I'm responsible for.

You got Brad and Jen.

Jessica and Nick.

Ben and Gwyn.

Ben and Jen.

Ben and Jen.

Ben and Matt.

Whitney and Bobby.

Kobe and Shaq.

Ellen and Anne.

Yeah, I do them too.

Well, there's this guy at the diner where I work.

We had this moment.

What happened?

I turned around and he was gone.

He probably got a good look at your mug and ran.

Why don't we broaden the search from that one guy to just any nigga?

- Okay. - Eight out of ten guys believe...

...the first kiss will tell them everything they need to know about a relationship.

So before we get started, let's see what you got.

Stinky. You got the dragon.

You got a little something in there.

A whole wing?

Extra crispy? Goddamn!

Good gracious!

Off of me, trick! What are you, hungry?

I'm hopeless.

I'm never gonna meet my Prince Charming.

I got it.

- A reality dating show? - Says here you can meet your dream man.

Extreme BACHELOR DESPERATE EDITION

It also says you have to be beautiful.

Well, you're beautiful-ish.

Come on, Hitch. The only way I could get on that show...

...is if you magically turn me into a princess.

Let's roll.

Yo, fellas.

West Side Custom WSC

Time to pimp her out.

Hey, hey.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Worst Foods Mayonnaise

Whoa, you officially pimped out.

All right, girl. Now you're good to go.

Ladies, good evening.

And welcome to The Extreme Bachelor, Desperate Edition.

By the end of tonight's episode...

...one of you lucky ladies will be chosen by the bachelor...

...to go on a dream date.

So let's meet him.

He's a doctor who gets a lot of tail.

Ladies, may I introduce the bachelor?

- Hi. Lovely to meet you. - Hi.

Hello, I'm Grant.

- Hi. - Hi.

- I'm Grant. - Hi, Grant.

Nice to meet you.

I'm Julia.

Pleasure.

Now, Grant, the elimination round.

Essentially nixing the girls you don't want to bang.

Who's going to be eliminated?

Nice aim, Grant. Good eye.

Julia, will you accept this rose?

Yes.

Guys, congratulations.

You have won a dinner for two at A Restaurant.

A Restaurant!

Thanks!

A Restaurant

Oh, yeah, that's it.

Oh, God.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yes!

Yes!

Yes!

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yes!

Oh, yeah!

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Yes! Yes!

Yes!

Oh, God.

Gosh.

So you're saying you do want the pork chops?

- Yes, please. - Okay.

I'll have what he's having.

So tell me about you.

Oh, I'm just a waitress.

But I want to go to school to be a pastry chef.

Oh, hi. My name is Julia Jones.

And for my admissions essay, I'm gonna show all of you at Harvard...

...why I would make an amazing pastry chef.

JULIA GONE WILD

What a coincidence.

I love pie.

- I've gotta take you downtown for the best... - Hummus pie?

You've been there?

That's actually my recipe.

But tell me more about you.

Like, what's your favorite love song?

It's kind of corny.

Oh, come on.

You're that waitress.

You've changed.

Well, I was sort of going through a phase.

I was downright ugly.

I don't remember you ever being ugly.

But I remember you.

I can't explain it, but when I'm with you I just feel so alive.

- Me too. - I just wanna scream and shout and....

Bum fight?

Julia?

Come on.

Yes!

Yes!

Yes!

Oh, yeah.

That was amazing.

It sure was.

She faked it, Grant.

But I didn't.

Meow.

Meow.

Oh, no, no, no!

CRABS HOTEL

SPHINCTER Bleach Leaves Rectum Sparkling

OLDMAN'S OWN BALSAMIC VINAIGRETTE DOUCHE

No, no, no!

No! No!

- Tingly. - Grant...

...how would you feel about meeting my parents?

So, Grant...

- ...ever knock anyone up? - Mom.

Well, I want many grandkids, and how do I know if he's shooting blanks or not?

Bathroom's down the hall.

VICKY'S SECRET

Just leave the sample on the counter.