Chewing Gum

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm back. I've been waiting three months, you know.

So I've just been doing little reunions, innit? Candice is bae,

so obviously, I've just been round hers to surprise her and that.

Yay!

Welcome back.

Yeah, she was really, really happy to see me.

And her nan, who's basically also my nan, was really happy as well.

Fucking piece of shit. Fucking hell.

What you done to your hair? And where's Connor?

I'm done with you, Tracey.

- I thought you were not coming home?! - Urgh, Mummy!

I mean, technically, I'm not squatting,

I'm just starting my shift really early.

OK! Yes, Deepak, I know how to run a shop.

Can you just go and catch enjoyment, please?

Oh! Look, Deepak, be careful. OK?

Because from far away, you look dark enough to be a little bit black?

No, you do! Just look, look, look, look.

If the police stop you, don't panic, OK?

They're like bees. If they see you panicking,

they panic and then they sting you.

OK... ?

Deepak's going on holiday to America.

What is the point? He ain't here.

He ain't here!

Whoohoo!

Oh, my God!

Connor.

Connor, it's Tracey!

Yeah, no, no, no. I know I look different now,

yeah, I've become successful, yas.

Who is this? Is this wide-legged hyena your new girlfriend?

Oh, my God! No, no, no!

I just can't believe you've moved on so quickly.

"I haven't, Trace. I haven't moved on.

I love ya, please help me, help me... "

Oh, my God, no, no, no, don't cry.

Look, I wish I could, but I've actually got to go and see Beyonce.

No, no, no, really, I'm going to fly there.

Oh, yeah, cos I can fly.

All right?

Yeah. Where you going?

- Deepak's on holiday. - On holiday, yeah, I know.

Yeah, he's left me in charge.

All right, well, you can tell me where the toolbox is, then.

- What? - The toolbox.

Says he need some shelves fixing.

- Why? - Broken shelves.

This ain't going to be a problem, is it?

I mean, we're mates. We're adults.

Yes. No, yeah.

- Toolbox? - Toolbox, yes.

There you go. It's right in the back.

In the back.

Deep in the back, right there. Yeah.

Make-up, make-up, make-up.

- This has expired. - Come back later, thank you.

Oi, you idiot.

I said this has expired.

So put it in the bin.

I want fresh milk, you dumb fuck.

Oh!

Look at what you made me do.

You think the world revolves around you?

I'm trying to deal with real-life problems.

- I want me money back. - Yeah, well, you...

Well, there you go, madam. Keep the change.

Oh, look at that, I've just doubled your pension.

Right.

Fucking hell.

Oh, look at that.

It's a good job I'm here.

A bit of twisting, a bit of tightening.

Oh. You're all right with me working here, aren't you?

Yeah.

- Yeah? - Yeah!

Me and you, we're bredren, so, like, what's the... ?

Exactly. Besides, we haven't really caught up in private.

I knew this guy still fancied me, man.

I want to break up properly, you know.

Talk about exactly what happened

and then, you know, put it all behind us.

- I don't want to have any awkwardness. - No!

Be nice if we had closure.

- Tracey! - Oh, I'd love to, you know.

But I'm just so busy.

- So busy. - There's no-one here.

Stock!

I've got to... count the stock.

- What are you doing after? - Oh, I'm busy after.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

Yeah, I'm going on a date.

Yeah, literally the second my shift is done.

- Wow. - Yeah.

What's his name?

Anthony Joshua.

The famous boxer?

Yeah...

Yeah, no, no, no, it's obviously not Anthony Joshua.

It's Anthony Joshua's friend.

Basically, it's Anthony Joshua's friend that I'm seeing, you know.

So, yeah, yeah, and he's picking me up in his car.

Fancy. So what's he whipping?

- Excuse me? - What's he drive, your guy?

A Rolex.

A Rolex?

He drives a Rolex.

Is that all right with you?

- Yeah. - OK.

What's he doing?

What's he doing, what's he doing?

- Anthony Joshua's best mate? - He's one of his best mates, yeah.

He's one of his best mates.

Yeah, he's got loads of friends. Yeah, it's that one.

- Him? - Yeah.

Oh, my God.

Stormzy!

Ah, that is really unlucky.

- You're going out with him? - Yeah.

Wow. Well, maybe we can chat after...

Ah, rrrrrrrrrr, bing bah-bing bing-bing!

Time to count the stockings!

Hey, son. Ha-ha!

Eight, nine, ten.

11. 11... stock.

I need to know what happened.

Oh, well, you know, I guess... the shelves have been up for a while

and with all the stock, they just got worn down.

Not the shelves.

When we were staying at the homeless shelter.

- Oh, ah... - What's happened?

You made me lose count.

So now I've got to start... start again. It's fine.

20...

OK, OK, OK.

So, the thing is about me Connor's, you know, drifting from each other.

It's not just that I forgot to mention it, I chose to forget.

But now he wants to talk about it.

He wants to talk about the homeless shelter, yeah,

that's where we were staying when we were part of the underclass.

He wants to talk about it, and...

16,

17,

18 salad creams.

56, 57...

And to top it off, he's trying to interrogate me

about my made-up boyfriend.

You're going out with Stormzy? That is mad, innit?

Well, I didn't go looking for him like I did Drake, you know.

He found me. He saw the goods,

he wanted the goods, he's got the goods.

- Instagram? - Nah, mate,

we ain't really out here doing it for the 'Gram, you know.

I ain't even on Instagram, so...

You're on Facebook...

No, no, no, we don't really feel the need to, you know.

Are you and... Emma, is it?

She wanted to, but I ain't fussed for it.

But it sounds like you and your famous fella,

it sounds like you're serious.

It's quite mad.

I'm glad we both moved on.

Yeah, we have. We have both moved on.

We have, both of us, have moved on.

I mean, hello!

Somebody call the reporters!

You know, me and you have moved on.

It's amazing. Do you know what I'm going to do? Yas!

I'm going to go into the back room

and I'm going to crack open a bottle of Fanta!

Trace, can we talk now, please?

It'll be over quickly as long as we're both...

If you're not telling lies and that, yeah?

Hmm?

Yes!

I've just got to go and get the Fanta, you little weirdo!

This guy! I don't even... !

Shit!

Fanta...

Candice... Candice.

- Yo, wagwan? - Candice!

Look, I need a favour.

Ha! This is my voicemail.

Bet you thought I answered, innit?

Cos you're a dumb, gullible prick.

- Ola? - It's an Irish folk song,

the night-visiting song.

And I sing it because I want a man or a tran to come and visit me

in my sleep and give the gift to my penis of fellatio.

Oh, yeah, of course, fellatio. Congrats.

Look, I need a favour from you.

No. I prefer transactions.

I'll shave your bum crack again.

Deal.

I need you to make a Facebook page under the name Mr Stormzy.

OK?

And do it quickly and do photos of us together.

Have you got Photo Grid? The app, yeah,

do some photo collages, make us look good, OK?