M*A*S*H

(woman singing "Happy Days Are Here Again" in Japanese)

MAN (over P. A.): Attention, all MASH personnel,

tonight's War Department film

on how to lead a good, clean life

has been canceled

due to unusually heavy indifference.

Mm‐hmm.

Another day of bed rest.

Oh. Yes. He's coming along splendidly.

I did this one myself.

Quality shows, Frank.

I like to think so.

All right. Try not to move.

You've bought enough shrapnel in your backside

to use it as a doorstop.

Let's watch our language, shall we, McIntyre?

Frank, I'm sorry about that,

but you know how it is. War is heck.

What have you got against writing intelligibly?

If I could have done that, I'd have become a lawyer.

Another day of bed rest. Continued IVs.

How are you this morning, Pierce?

Not too good, but I'll feel better once I desert.

This man's North Korean.

Right, first time.

Well, you better tell the MPs

to have him transferred to the POW section.

Time, Frank, time.

We just got this kid outta shock.

He's got multiple lacerations.

We stick him in the clink, he's liable to kick off.

Oh, he doesn't look that bad to me.

Look, whatever he needs,

he can get it at the next stop.

I'm sending him out.

Hold it, Doctor.

What this guy needs is some plasma and some rest.

He doesn't need a ticket for being on the wrong side.

We've got limited bed space. You know that.

Why doesn't somebody tell them that up at the front?

They keep shooting each other like we've got beds for everybody.

‐Get him out today. ‐I don't think so.

Look, don't make me get unpleasant.

I can't improve on nature, Frank.

‐He goes. ‐He stays.

I'm sorry, but this time, he happens to be right.

Look, I know the guy behaves like an enlistment poster,

but I mean, this time, I gotta back Frank up.

I want one day for that patient.

‐One day. ‐You want.

You know, Pierce,

you got a way of making every man in this outfit

feel as if he's working for you.

Henry, open your middle drawer.

Look, this is not just another beef against Frank Burns, you know.

We can't turn that kid away.

Well, I mean, you're not asking much, are you?

I mean, you only want me to give him one unit

of AB negative.

One lousy pint of blood.

Henry, I mean, who'll ever miss it?

We're talking about AB negative.

Look, if I hand out AB neg to somebody from the other side,

and then one of our kids needs it,

Well, General Hammond will personally

give me a tylectomy without a local.

Yes, sir. Radar!

Pierce. Damn it, Radar.

How many times have I told you not to come in here

before I call you?

Well, I don't like to be late, sir.

How can you be late if you come in here

before I even know I want you?

Ours is not to question why, sir.

What why? What? I‐‐

You wanted these transfer orders, sir?

‐No, I want the transfer orders. ‐Yes, sir.

Those ones that you've got there in your hand.

Those are the ones.

Wait a minute, Henry. What orders are those?

You're not transferring the Korean?

I've got no choice. Now, honest...

I mean, we've only got so many beds,

and this kid's got one waiting someplace else.

That'll be all, Rad‐‐

Gimme 24 hours before you ship him out.

No.

One day.

As opposed to 24 hours?

Henry, you're turning into a regular army clown

before our very eyes.

Yeah.

All right, take all the time you want.

You mean it?

Just get him outta the post‐op.

All right, where do we put him?

Anywhere. I mean‐‐ But I don't want any more static

from Frank Burns. That man is a raw nerve.

I couldn't agree more.

You know, if I didn't know better,

I'd say the guy was my wife in army drag.

No sweat. Everything's gonna be okay.

Ask him if he's comfortable.

Glucose on this side.

Look, ask him his name.

We can't just treat him like a wounded egg roll.

Wish we had subtitles for this.

He's called Pai.

Welcome to the end of the war, Pai.

Hawkeye.

Oh, here's the personal records you wanted.

This‐‐ this is the entire MASH personnel here

and their blood type.

Terrific.

Take two splints out of petty cash.

Surprising how many of us have blood, isn't it?

Well, it's not so hard if you stay far enough behind the lines.

I'm trying to find somebody with AB neg.

Pssst.

Isn't that the POW?

That's right. He's in my C‐O‐T.

I ordered him shipped out.

What's he doing here?

Easy, Frank. Henry okayed it.

He's not taking up anybody's space but mine.

Why don't you buzz off, Frank?

Go review your hypocritical oath.

Trap?

Hmm?

What do you think?

Hey.

Good work, Igor. Very good.

In the morning, he will be one of my brides.

Shhh.

Not so loud, my count.

Oh, Margaret...

I think we struck dream.

Oh, Frank, you're so strong.

You're so big and strong.

We don't want to get him too excited.

We might start something we can't finish.

‐You got enough? ‐Almost.

I wanna put a head on it.

This guy can sleep through anything.

But then he gets a lot of practice while he's awake.

‐How are you doin'? ‐Full.

One pint even.

Shall we check his oil while we're at it?

You get him cleaned up.

I'll go get Pai ready.

Good night, darling.

You're the greatest.

Hmm...

Did you get it?

A full pint.

Great. Is he all right?

He's fine.

They may have to put starch in his underwear

to sit up, but he's okay.

I see you ordered the hunt breakfast.

The hunt breakfast? What is‐‐

Forget it.

Can I help it if the war gives me an appetite?

That's an awfully dirty look for so early in the day.

I just wanted to thank you for last night.

You weren't with me last night.

I was speaking for my fantasies.

You never quit, do you?

Well, in the absence of any real success

with you in the amour department,

you have to allow me the odd fantasy or two.

You're having one right now, aren't you?

Yeah.

Is this a new one or are you undressing me

with your eyes again?

Well, if I did it with my hands,

‐I'd get killed, right? ‐Uh‐huh.

Not a bad way to go, really.

What do you say?

You got a minute?

Uh, actually, I'm trying to make some time

with this lieutenant person.

He's got a minute.

It's about Pai.

See ya later.

I'm sure you will,

whether I'm there or not.

‐What's wrong? ‐You name it.

Severe abdominal pains, nausea,

darkened specimen,

can't keep anything on his stomach.

‐Transfusion reaction. ‐Mm‐hmm.

Last night's trip to Transylvania.

Same symptoms as hepatitis.

But it can't be from Frank's blood.

I mean, not that fast.

It might be a new variant.

Well, stranger things have happened.

If Frank did have it,

it'd be a lovely way to get him out of our hair.