MASH - Sixth Season (M*A*S*H)

Suction. Suction.

How's the pressure? You're okay, Colonel. 130 over 80.

Ready to close, 3.0 silk.

Get this man draped so I can get on with it.

This'd go easier if I had a magic wand.

In lieu of your surgical shortcomings?

Oh, he got you that time, Mandrake.

How can my head ever compete with his? Mine's all covered with hair.

‐ He got you that time, baldy. ‐ Would you boys use those scalpels on your patients?

More suction. Damn, Margaret! It's bleeding again.

Can't you hold that clamp any tighter?

Cursing is not necessary. I'm doing the best I can. It's this damn instrument!

I know. I know. Just stay in there.

If you can't stop that bleeding, this transplant won't work. We might as well write off the leg.

‐ I'm ready when you need me. ‐ Thanks, Father.

What I really need is a clamp that's small enough to control an artery without crushing it.

‐ Well, don't we have one? ‐ No. This clamp is mainly for heart surgery.

It's just not designed for the smaller arteries of the leg.

It's holding for now. Attagirl, Margaret.

‐Why don't we get the right one? ‐It's not that easy, Padre.

The right one doesn't exist. Sponge.

Some of the work we're doing on these kids hasn't even hit the textbooks yet.

Chalk it up to the insanity of war, Father.

Enemy advances bring medical advances.

If this war goes on long enough, we'll find a cure for everything.

‐ If there's anybody left to be cured. ‐ Progress.

The Korean conflict. Dedicated to better health through suffering.

Doctor, this won't work. I need both hands to hold this clamp.

All right, Father. I can use your hands now. Work suction.

‐ Right, Hawkeye. ‐ Take that.

Thank you. Progress.

Two hours on that kid's leg, and I don't think I did a damn bit of good.

He'll probably lose it when he gets to Tokyo.

Tricky operation with the wrong instrument. Don't punish yourself, Hawkeye.

How come the army can make a gun that'll level a village 30 miles away,

but they can't come up with a tiny surgical tool that'll help save a man's leg?

Give 'em some time. Could be no one's ever thought to ask.

‐ So let's ask. ‐ Ask? Why not beg?

Where do we go? Well, official channels could take forever.

I remember when I applied for permission to get married.

By the time the papers came through, my son was divorced.

Strike official channels. The guys who can come through are the Corps of Engineers.

We just tell 'em what we want‐‐ they'll deliver.

They don't have to deliver. We'll pick it up.

Tell me, Colonel. How are these bridge builders...

going to forge such a delicate instrument‐‐ Bulldozer?

Winchester, those guys could build a sailboat from a pair of skivvies.

Well, what do we do? Call? Write? Send up smoke signals? What?

You finish sprucing up. I'll get 'em on the horn.

‐ Hey, we're inventors. ‐ More like dreamers.

There's always one skeptic. Charles, have a little faith.

Where would we be today if Alexander Graham Bell hadn't invented the busy signal?

If Joseph Cotten hadn't invented the cotton gin?

You can go on in your usual sub‐humorous way, gentlemen,

but no army engineer has the expertise...

to produce anything more than a glorified potato peeler.

You know, you have to admit. He makes a lot of sense.

All the more reason to try.

Freeze! What is it?

It's gone! What's gone?

My wedding ring, you idiot! It just disappeared!

I went to put it on, and I couldn't because it was gone!

Margaret, calm down. We'll help you look for it. Where'd you put it last?

On the shelf above my clothes.

I always wrap it in tissue paper and put it there before I scrub.

Oh, Donald's still paying for that ring.

My God, the woman's raving.

All you're gonna find in there is old sweat.

He'll kill me! It was exquisite!

Fourteen‐karat gold with tiny stones all around it,

every other three a diamond chip!

He must've searched five‐and‐dimes the world over to find that ring.

There was an inscription from Donald inside‐‐

"Over hill, over dale, our love will never fail."

When it comes to poetry, Donald's right up there with the pros.

I've got to get it back! Hey, is this how you guys keep your room?

Klinger, have you seen my wedding band?

It was in the nurses' changing room, wrapped with tissue paper.

White tissue paper? Yes.

Sitting on a shelf next to a coffee cup?

Yes, yes, that's it! You found it! Thank God! Oh, bless you, Klinger.

I, uh‐‐ I sort of threw it away.

Threw it away!

Margaret, we'll go through the garbage. We'll find it.

That'll be kind of tough. The garbage truck just left.

Stop explaining and go catch the garbageman!

Not a chance. He's gotta be miles from here.

Klinger! I'll get a jeep.

Margaret. Margaret. He'll find it, believe me.

That put her mind at ease. You have to know how to talk to her.

You're an engineer. For you it's like making a big tie clip.

Oh, come on, fella. You gotta be kidding.

What? He says he's never done anything like this before.

If you can't land on it or drive over it, he doesn't want to try it.

Give me the phone. Uh‐oh. Now you've done it.

Young man, this is Colonel Sherman Potter.

My bird wants to talk to your bird. Patch me through to Colonel De Roo on the double.

He's adorable when he's gruff.

Colonel De Roo? Colonel Potter, MASH 4077.

No, no. Our latrines are plenty deep.

I called to ask you boys a special favor.

We need to modify a hunk of surgical equipment.

We can design it, but we can't make it.

You can? Oh, that's swell.

Ninety days? That stinks.

Ninety days? Charles operates faster than that.

You're sure you can't spare one man right now? "Wunderbar."

Nice talking to you, and I'll try to remember you're on our side.

For the next 90 days, he's got his whole outfit...

building a dam on the river at Sepyong.

Darn dam! Why don't they draft a brigade of beavers?

Well, Colonel, now somebody's asked.

How are you boys at "do it yourself"?

Well, here we are in the fender and body shop.

Step one: take a break.

Wait, wait. It can't be that hard. Let's take it apart first.

And then that way, it'll be, you know, apart.

I'll handle this. Give me a screwdriver.

Mr. Screwdriver coming up.

I'm working on a clamp, not an ocean liner.

I'll have to look in the children's department.

Anything smaller, I have to call the downtown store.

It amazes me that a man that can perform miracles in surgery...

can be so mechanically inept.

When I'm loosening a screw, do I go this way or that way?

I'll call Larry, Moe and Curly.

Ah, here it comes. There.

You're a genius. Now what do we do?

Well, straighten one of these out and go from there.

How do you straighten one of these out?

Well, let's see. It's made of surgical steel.

Designed to precise specifications.

An alloy of delicately balanced components.

Hit it with a hammer. Of course.

Gentlemen.

What are you doing here?

Well, the colonel said the two of you were gonna try and build the clamp yourselves.

I said to myself, "Charles, this you have got to see."

Sadist. I want you to pretend I'm not here, gentlemen.

Just go about your business, and I will blend into the woodwork.

What's in the bag? My lunch. I want to eat along.

Hit it with the hammer, will ya?

Will you stop laughing! Please, I'm not here.

You can hit it harder. The landlady won't mind.

Will you let me do it my way? We're gonna be here forever!

‐ Please, let me have it. ‐ Fine. Here.

Thank you.

You know, if you were half a nice guy,

you'd be helping us instead of turning it into a picnic.

Oh, get off it, Pierce.

The two of you are fumbling around like a couple of Sunday plumbers.

None of us has the expertise to make the instrument we need.

At least I have the sense to admit it.

That's for being right. Thanks.

Meet you later under the showers? No soap.

Prude. Another nurse down the drain.

Hey, I hear you guys are lookin' to get some new kind of surgical gizmo built.

It's a clamp, Zale, and yes, we are. Know somebody that could do it?

‐ Sure. Sure. Me. ‐ You know somebody else?

Look, I am a master craftsman.

Nobody appreciates that 'cause I'm stuck in Supply.

Yeah, there's very little demand for supply.

‐ You know that jukebox at the Officers Club? ‐ Both songs.

Who do you think puts it back together after the marines visit?

Zale, this is a little more delicate than a jukebox.

Delicate schmelicate. I can fix or build anything.

With a screwdriver, I'm a regular Leonard da Vinci.

All right, here's the gizmo.

Basically, we need a clamp with a new kind of a handle.

More sensitive. And jaws that won't crush the artery.

‐ Right, right. ‐ Maybe a screw that's sensitive to pressure.

Sure. Of course. Hey, I can see it now.

Zale's gift to medicine. Sleek, compact, streamlined, gorgeous.

Just make it work, Leonard.

Klinger! Why didn't I keep on driving?

Well? You know, Major,

you have a very natural beauty.

Why hide it with a lot of jewelry?

Look, I went through every garbage bin in Korea.

I even dove into a pile of burning rubbish 'cause I saw something shiny.

It was only a lousy gold watch. Please, get a rifle.

Shoot me. Put me out of your misery.

Oh, no. You're not gonna get off that easy.

From now on, I'm gonna make your life so rotten, you'll wish you were in combat!

Major, I'm tired, I'm dirty...

and I burned my nose.

On top of that, I'm due on K. P. in five minutes,

and I won't have a chance to shower!

How are you gonna make my life any more rottener?

I'll work on it!

No, no. That's your move.

Are you sure? Definitely.

But he can take my knight. No, he can't. Your knight's protected by your queen.

You know, I've heard about those two, but I never believed it. Make your move.

All right, MacArthur. Let's see you return from this.

Checkmate, bunkmate.

Brilliant move you gave me! Never touched your knight.

I'd be happy to give you a handicap, Pierce,

but you've already got one‐‐ Hunnicutt.

Gather around and strike up the band.