Yes, Prime Minister

Well, it's been quite a day, hasn't it?

My getting that ten trillion dollar loan from Kumranistan in sterling

changes everything, doesn't it?

Yes, Prime Minister.

Saves the Lancaster House conference.

"Jim Hacker saves Europe."

Yes, Prime Minister.

Nothing else can go wrong tonight, can it?

- \/\/ell, I can't see how. - Good.

Let's have a drink.

- Prime Minister. - Oh, cheer up,

Bernard, have a drinkie.

Oh, don't look so worried.

It looks as though we've reached a

deal on that Civil Service reform bill,

and your index-linked pension may be safe after all.

But, Prime Minister, we have a situation

with the Kumranistan Foreign Secretary.

- Mr Aitikeev? - Nice chap.

Well, yes.

Well...

He just button-holed me in the hall.

It seems that Mr Aitikeev wants us to provide

some sexual entertainment for him.

What a prat.

That's really not our problem, Bernard, or yours.

Boundaries do have to be drawn, Bernard.

I know, Sir Humphrey.

But with respect, Prime Minister, it is our problem.

I confess I didn't handle it as diplomatically as I should have.

I'm afraid he felt slighted.

He indicated that unless we find him

what he wants he won't sign the contract

tomorrow for the ten trillion dollar loan to Europe.

- What? - My God!

How did this happen?

Why didn't you say you'd try to find him someone?

Well, I should have, but frankly, I was a little shocked.

You always were a prig, Bernard.

If you say so, Sir Humphrey.

So go back to Mr Aitikeev and tell him you are working on it.

Well, how exactly?

Yes, how exactly, dear lady, this is Chequers, not Soho.

Surely, Bernard can get a girl up from London.

- Me? - Are you serious?

What about all the security at the gate?

Don't use the gate.

It's only 20 minutes from the West End to Chequers by helicopter.

They check it before departure, but nobody checks it on arrival.

And where do you suggest we get a chopper?

At this time of night?

We do actually have an RAF

helicopter standing by this weekend,

the one the Queen uses.

Do I understand this correctly?

You want us to bring a call girl here

in the Royal helicopter?

Would you say that is an

appropriate use of taxpayer's money?

Well, we do want the deal signed tomorrow, don't we?

Got any better ideas?

I think we should talk to Mr Aitikeev about this.

- \/\/ho should? - You should.

I'm not doing it.

Well, the Foreign Secretary is his opposite number,

but we didn't invite him this

weekend. Claire can't, she's a woman.

You outrank him. it has to be you.

I can't possibly do it, this conversation is for an underling.

Like you, Humphrey.

An important underling.

I have to be able to deny any knowledge of this.

Well, I suggest that as Mr Aitikeev spoke to Bernard,

Bernard is your Principal Private Secretary,

yes, Bernard should talk to him. That is the diplomatic protocol.

I can't seem to recall any diplomatic protocol

that specifies the Principal Private Secretary does the pimping.

Well, no, not you yourself, maybe, but one of your people.

I haven't got any people here.

And, Prime Minister, we absolutely can't let anyone else in on this.

- Why not? - I am afraid there's more.

- More? - \/\/ell, he has specific tastes.

- You mean blonde or brunette? - Not exactly.

What, do you mean a ginger?

No, sir.

Well, what? Big boobs?

Small boobs.

Big burn? What?

Is he gay?

If only it were that simple.

Bernard, what sort of woman does he want?

Not a woman.

- Three women. - Three women?

More if possible.

An or9V- _

I can't believe my ears.

Preferably one European, one Asian and one black.

At least it's equal opportunities fornication.

- Claire, this isn't funny. - Sorry, Prime Minister.

He said that's what they provided

at those International Monetary Fund

conferences with Dominique Strauss-Kahn.

Britain is not the IMF, we don't

have a budget for that sort of thing.

No.

And we're accountable to the taxpayer,

we can't possibly have anything to do with this.

So, what do you suggest I do?

He said if we don't do this for him the whole deal's off.

Well, how did he mention it? Was he embarrassed?

He told me to see to it or else.

You should have said it just wasn't possible.

I did.

He said they got a man on the moon,

we can get three girls from King's Cross.

That's technically true.

But hardly the point, Claire.

Well, apparently, he's also friends with Mr Berlusconi.

He's been to several of his Bunga Bunga parties.

I wonder if Mr Aitikeev really can wipe out months of diplomacy.

It wouldn't take much. A word here, a

word there, a hint of lost confidence,

this whole thing's very finely balanced.

But Aitikeev wants the deal, right?

Yes, but he doesn't need it.

They can still take the pipeline through

Russia instead of southern Europe.

Well, he's certainly not getting any

more weapons if he screws us over.

Or, maybe Aitikeev doesn't care about the weapons,

maybe it's just his president who wants them.

Internal repression, that's a possibility.

But doesn't Aitikeev have to account to

his president if this all goes south?

Well, theoretically, but Aitikeev is

here and the president's over there.

All I know is we have to make this deal stick.

What happens if it all falls apart,

and Kumranistan gets offended?

That wouldn't be good.

It would not! It is a very unstable region.

Nuclear proliferation is spreading.

Yes, proliferating, in fact.

Urn, Bernard, did the Kumranistan ambassador

return to London after dinner?

- No, he's staying overnight, too. - The ambassador? Good idea.

- Bring him here, right away. - Yes, Prime Minister.

Who is it?

I'm the Prime Minister's Principal Private Secretary.

Who?

I'm from the Prime Minister.

- Can I come in? - I suppose so.

Yes?

I'm very, very sorry to intrude, Your Excellency.

What do you want?

We have a problem with Mr Aitikeev,

- your Foreign Secretary. - A problem?

I don't quite know how to put this but, urn...

He... He...

Doesn't want to spend the night alone.

Ah, that.

Again.

- I'm afraid so. - Everywhere he goes.

How interesting.

But we don't have a problem, young man.

- It's your problem. - \/\/ell, yes, I suppose it is...

So why don't you talk to him?

I really don't see what I can possibly say.

What do you propose to do? Find him a woman?

Me? Not me. Definitely, not me.

I'm a civil servant.

No sex, please, we are the government.

Your Excellency, the Prime Minister hoped you might be able to help.

I'm an ambassador, not a procurer.

Of course not, I wasn't suggesting that.

I just think he wants your advice

as to how to dissuade Mr Aitikeev from pursuing this, uh...

- This... - Ambition?

Yes.

You mean now?

All right.

Do I have to put on some clothes?

Well, I've never been asked, "Do I have to put on some clothes?"

By someone who's about to have a meeting with the Prime Minister.

Look, I have got to get this all straight in my mind

before we start this meeting.

Always a good idea, Prime Minister.

- \/\/ould you like a recap? - I'd prefer a night cap.

Claire, get me another Scotch.

Let's go through it all, right now.

The whole bottle?

The whole problem.

What's that? A dirty glass.

Get me a proper drink, woman.

So just as we are on the brink

of getting a ten trillion dollar loan,

this lecherous Kumranistani Foreign Secretary

makes a new demand, three assorted hookers for him

to have sex with tonight at Chequers

- under my roof! - Yes, Prime Minister.