M*A*S*H

"His work in his own field is outstanding.

"Also outstanding

is his frequent assistance with medical duties,

and his leadership can best be described as outstanding."

Kind words for me,

but aren'’t there an awful lot of "outstandings"?

Army talk. It means you'’re the top of the heap.

The best of the bunch. U. S. D. A. prime.

Get this. "As his commanding officer,

"I have found him to be an outstanding man,

an outstanding cleric, and an outstanding standout."

Pure poetry. It practically rhymes.

I'’m telling you, you'’re in.

Now, Klinger, let'’s not be premature.

Are you kidding? When the promotions board reads this,

it'’s no more mild‐mannered lieutenant.

In a flash you'’ll become Captain Mulcahy,

champion of truth, justice, and Monday night bingo.

Klinger, you got a mouth as big as the Missouri Gap.

Hello, Padre.

That efficiency report was supposed to be confidential.

Sir, you were eavesdropping on my private conversation.

Right now, Corporal, I wouldn'’t mention the word "private"

if I were you.

Aw, what the hell.

Now that our Lebanese Walter Winchell

has let the cat out of the bag,

Padre, it looks as though

you'’re finally going to get those captain'’s bars.

With all due respect, sir,

that'’s what you said every other time this came up.

This time'’s different. With a lull on,

I'’ve had a chance to call in all my I. O. U.'’s.

Colonel, I'’d just as soon not get my hopes up.

Padre, I'’ve got more brass in on this

than John Philip Sousa'’s trombone section.

I appreciate your efforts,

but, uh, well,

maybe we'’d better just wait

and see what happens.

I feel like I just told him his dog died.

Ya‐hoo‐hoo!

What'’ll we drink to this time?

How about to inactivity, the mother of inebriation?

‐Thanks, Mom. ‐Hear, hear! Thank you.

Mm. All right, Charles, your turn.

Perhaps later. I'’m still nursing this one.

You nurse that any longer, it'’ll start teething.

It is your turn, Charles.

Don'’t you know anything about drunken etiquette?

Always yield to the lush on the right.

Oh, why not? Rosie, three more.

It will be a momentary respite

from this spate of rummy humor.

Excuse me. Sorry. Beg your pardon.

Greek eat pig. Greek sound like pig.

Why they let Turks in here? To clean latrines?

‐I‐I wouldn'’t know. I'’m from out of town. ‐(laughing)

Hey, I got here just in time for the cretins convention.

You call this a tip?

No. I call this my change.

Excuse me, please. Oh, watch out, you careless twit.

Looks like the drinks are on him. (laughs)

You threw a drink on me?

Not on your life. It was the Grecian gorilla here.

You will die, Greek pig.

Now, hold‐‐Now, see‐‐It could'’ve been an accident.

‐(shouts in Greek) ‐(shouts in Turkish)

Charles, quick, get out of the combat zone.

Watch it, you bozos.

Try any rough stuff in here,

you'’ll be pulling triggers with your noses.

My dear lady, there will be no rough stuff.

These gentlemen are Greek.

They brought civilization to the entire Mediterranean.

‐They brought goat droppings! ‐(shouts in Greek)

Of course‐‐ Of course‐‐ Whoa!

There'’s a great deal to be said for your Ottoman Empire.

‐Ottomans enslaved my people. ‐Only thing they are good for!

Gentlemen! Gent‐‐Wait, wait.

This is not going to solve a thing.

I tell you what. Let'’s all‐‐

Let'’s all‐‐ Let'’s all dance. (grunts)

Yep.

Colonel Potter, why you let your people

act like a bunch of Looney Tunes?

My place looks like Pearl Harbor.

I apologize, Rosie.

It'’s amazing how a couple of belts

will turn some grownups into Dead End Kids.

You'’re disgraceful.

Army officers acting like street thugs.

Don'’t blame me. It was Slapsie Maxie Winchester

and his roundhouse diplomacy.

Yeah. He was busy adding injuries to his insults.

We were hiding under a ringside table.

Thank you both very much.

It was hardly my fault.

I proffered an olive branch

and was soundly thrashed with it.

What'’s this?

Something to kill the pain while I fix your leg.

I am Turk. I not need that.

If Turk has no need, Greek no need.

That'’ll teach him a lesson, boy.

One order of plaster bandages.

It think it'’s a bum rap.

Uh, give it to BJ, Father.

Appreciate your helping out.

Right‐O. Here you are, BJ.

‐Oh, thank you, Father. ‐Don'’t mention it.

I'’ll go make some more. It'’s not hard. (chuckles)

Bye, now.

Don'’t you just hate that jollier‐than‐thou attitude?

Ever since he heard about making Captain,

he'’s been bouncing around like he'’s got helium in his halo.

Would you step on it, Doc?

I got to get back to what'’s left of my saloon.

Whoa, señorita. You'’ve got yourself

a couple of cracked ribs there.

We have to keep them off their feet for a week or so.

We don'’t want you developing pneumonia.

A week or so? If I'’m gone for one day,

my waitresses will steal everything but kitchen sink.

How fortunate.

As long as you still have your kitchen sink,

you can continue your tradition of fine wine making.

Funny stuff, bozo. But if I'’m over here for a week,

you'’ll be stomping your own grapes

'’cause there'’s not gonna be no more Rosie'’s.

We'’re talking a national landmark here.

The Drinkin'’ Memorial.

Well, it'’s all your fault.

If you goons had a shred of decency,

you'’d do something to help her.

We are tending to her injuries, Major.

Do we now send out for spareribs?

This hurts us, too, you know, Margaret.

Pain and war and pestilence are one thing,

but closing down an innocent saloon

in the prime of its life is a staggering blow.

All you talk about is your own selfish fun.

What about poor Rosie?

That saloon is her livelihood.

‐What do you expect us to do? ‐Go run the place.

Run a saloon?

What an idea. Beats what we'’re doing now, which is nothing.

‐What do you think, Hawk? ‐Yeah, might be fun.

We already know the bottom of every table

and glass in that place.

Right. Besides, if we can'’t take care

of a broken‐down joint, who can?

What do you say, Colonel?

Sounds okay to me. How'’s it strike you, Rosie?

Sure. What I got to lose?

All right, then. It'’s settled.

Unless we get busy, I guess

you'’re all on temporary duty as saloonkeepers.

The word "all" has, uh‐‐

has an unfortunate connotation of, uh‐‐ uh‐‐

You can'’t mean me?

How'’s the connotation "set '’em up, Joe" grab you?

Come on, Charles, you'’ll love it.

You can be the bouncer.

Besides, snappy guy like you

will attract a better class of riffraff.

Water down the drinks?

No wonder the olives have barnacles on them.

You'’ve got to. Keep prices from getting high.

Has the same effect on the customers.

Now for waitresses.

‐I get 30% of tips. ‐Thirty percent?

My share of what they swiping from me.

I think I'’m getting it. We water down the drinks

‐and shake down the waitresses. ‐Nice.

Last but most important thing.

Be good to Muldoon.

Who'’s Muldoon?

Military police. Also my public relations man.

Oh, yeah. The man in the gray flannel fatigues.

Muldoon tells the army Rosie is strictly legit.

For that I give him free booze.

Pour it in a coffee cup.

He likes to think he'’s fooling people.

You bribe a military policeman?

What bribe? Free enterprise.

He drinks free, I keep my enterprise.

‐Ah. ‐Uh‐huh.

What do you mean they can'’t find it?

Without that file,

he doesn'’t stand a snowball'’s chance, Herb.

We can'’t let '’em do this to the padre.

His head is so high in the clouds,

he starts his prayers with "As long as I'’m in the neighborhood."

You bet your bazookas I'’m worried.

That promotion board'’s already sittin'’.

Now you get on that Teletype

and keep after those Pentagon pantywaists

till the cows come home.

Fine, fine. Yeah, you do that, Herbie.