Pushers

This programme contains strong language and adult themes

Do you know why I hate Spice? It's unnatural chemical muck

cooked up by child slaves in China.

That's as good a reason as any, though...

I haven't finished yet.

It's destroying the prisons.

It smells like urine.

It's one of the least carbon-friendly substances

you can get.

And would you take a look at the state of my streets?

What a mess.

Let's buy some of this new Spice, see who turns up.

This is clearly a serious operation,

run by expert criminals.

Cheers!

Thought I'd at least feel something.

It's hard being sober.

Is it even cold?

Ahhhhh!

Yes, yes. Ahhh!

Not working.

So essentially we're just having

a bath together.

Congratulations, gang.

Organised Crime Group.

OK.

We shifted the last of the cocaine.

We did it!

Yay, drug dealing!

Does anyone remember those little foot fishies they had

up in the shopping centre?

Yes.

Didn't it get shut down because people kept...

Stealing the fishes?

No, getting STIs.

What? On your feet?

I have a theory that the sudden rise in fish pedicures

signalled the beginning of the decline of the West.

How much foot could a foot fish suck if a foot fish could suck feet?

SPLASHING Yeah, get her, Dwayne!

Get her!

Why's he here?

I thought this spa were adults only.

Go away!

I just said Dwayne was 55 with a hormone deficiency thingy.

They took one look at you lot, left it.

I'm doing Leo a favour, man.

Uncle Harry says this bumhead's trying to climb inside me mum.

Oi, not those exact words.

What's that thingy?

That's a stoma.

It sucks up the souls of naughty little boys.

It's how I manage to stay looking so young.

No, it's a stoma.

All this reminds me of giving birth to him.

Screws put me in the shower.

They didn't know what else to do.

They were all men back then, you know?

The screws?

Yeah, mam had me inside.

I didn't see this little bastard again till he were three, did I?

It's OK, Mum.

Stop it, stop it, stop it.

Ooh, he's a good boy.

They say it's never too late to have an 'appy childhood.

Yeah.

Um, where's Minibus Masir?

Oh, um, he's doing an errand for me.

HE HUMS TUNELESSLY

Selling spice for Emily behind Ewen's back.

Don't tell Ewen.

He's doing an errand for you?

Yeah, he's picking up my cerebral palsy pills.

So it's nothing dodgy?

No, they stop me from slowing down even more.

See?

It's happening right nooow

because I have ruuuun ouuut

ooooooooooooooooooof...

..them.

Do you know him? Nah.

No show. Waste of my time.

I missed the bloody spa for this.

Been meaning to talk to ya.

It's not about investing in dog shoes again, is it?

What the fuck are you wearing?

I ain't ever been to a spa before.

What-what are you meant to wear?

Swimwear?

But I can't swim.

Well, at least show a bit of flesh.

Happy now?

Pervert.

Yes. Yeah?

Very. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hiding all this money.

Dodgy gummy bears.

What on earth is she up to, love?

I know, love, but it's either this...

..or actually having to talk to her.

Dawkins don't do conversation...

..or feelings.

We're not from London.

Wee C U?

Again. Again.

Oh, my God!

Nowt like your second breakfast bap of a morning, is there?

Gov, your torch.

Do you recognise him?

That's Masir Mason.

He used to hang around with...

..Ewen bloody Sheridan.

Shit!

Oh, my God, he's not back, is he?

I see you, Wee C U.

I swear I know this fella.

I was baking flapjacks. Big cake.

He's the flapjack man.

Wait, isn't he...?

Here we go.

October '97.

That's right, it was him - Emily's little school friend.

Little Ewen Sheridan.

Ewen Sheridan.

That boy made our lives hell back in the day.

Oh, my God!

And it was him who got into all that trouble for the fire.

Ewen Sheridan burnt down a school.

Christ, were there kids inside?

Dunno.

Worse, he set fire to our favourite pub and the Maccies.

I had to drive to bloody Beverley for me McNuggets.

PHONE RINGS

It's me kid. I'd better...

SHRILL RECORDER PLAYS OVER PHONE

And that, Daddy, was Ludwig Van Beethoven.

For some reason, Mummy says she'll be facing 20 years in prison

unless you pick me up and take me to your gong thing later.

Gong thing?

Oh, music therapy.

RECORDER RESUMES

So is now a good time to give ya a little pressie?

That's a gun!

Is it?

Is that a gun?

It's a gift.

Don't need it any more, do I?

Oh, brilliant.

How many mouths has that been in?

I still want out.

You're getting out cos of one date

with a random girl?

I like her.

She cool and shit.

And if I'm with her,

I've gotta be a daddy for Dwayne.

So, anyways, let's just do chazza now,

but for realsies, right?

I could be Head of Stickers.

I made Sean Head of Stickers.

Whatever.

Gun, Emily.

I can't be trusted with a gun.

I can barely be trusted with my own hands.

Well, if you don't want the gun, I'm leaving it over here, yeah?

Oh, well, I'll take it,

as long as I can call her...

..Daphne.

Why?

Less scary and violent.

DOOR OPENS

You lovely ladies ready for your couples massage?

Where shall we put our gowns?

Sorry?

Our gowns.

Where shall we put them?

Um, yes, darlings,

If you just lie down on your fronts.

Your fronts.

Yes, fronts.

Did you know that I'm a local drug lord?

Relax.

The average IQ for a level six masseuse is 93.

But unfortunately, she can still understand me.

Let's talk about...

..drugs!

But...

..can you call them coffee or something?

Is Ewen Sheridan aware that, for the past three weeks,

we've been selling fairtrade tea

in addition to the final grounds of his fairtrade coffee?

Does he need to know

that we're selling Spice as well

if we're going to

goooo legiiiiit?

99.3% of our income comes from hot beverages.

Only 0.7 from donations.

It's unsustainable.

But what do you value more,

fairtrade tea or your friendship with Ewen?