M*A*S*H

More suction.

Margaret, hemostat.

‐Hemostat. ‐(exhales)

‐Your hemostat, doctor. ‐Huh? Oh.

After 18 hours in here,

the patient is more coherent than I am.

Hawk, I'm gettin' drowsy.

Turn that radio back on, will ya?

Certainly. Click.

Could we get another station, please?

Better still, yank the plug.

All right, all right, all right.

Good evening, Mr. And Mrs. Ship

and all the Americans at sea.

Flash‐‐Korea.

The U. S. Army has just declared sleep

off limits to all surgeons.

As a result, heads will be worn lighter this winter.

And now stay tuned for Burns and Allen

over most of this same mouth.

Say good night, Gracie.

‐Who ordered the liver? ‐This table, waiter.

You sure that's a liver? Looks like Illinois to me.

Father, how many more poor unfortunates have we out there?

In round figures, too many.

What were these guys doing, runnin' around in circles?

I've got entry wounds comin' from three different angles.

It was a duck shoot.

It seems when the order to retreat came down,

one battalion commander decided

his men should stay and fight a little longer.

‐Oh, yeah. That's Colonel, uh... ‐Lacy.

‐Bingo. ‐He's become our chief supplier.

Well, why not? He deals strictly wholesale.

Lacy has the highest casualty rate

of any battalion commander in this sector.

H.Q. calls that aggressive. I call it damn reckless.

Whatever you call it, I'm sick of sewing it back together.

What kind of day did I have at the office, Radar?

Uh, sir, while you were in the O. R.,

you took care of the strength report,

completed the DD‐5, uh, series A through C,

and you ordered a new autoclave.

It's amazing how much I can get done

without even showing up. Thank you, son.

Oh, uh, yes, sir. There's one other thing.

When you were reachin' for the phone,

you knocked over your wife's picture,

and you broke the glass.

It's okay. I'm sure I didn't mean to.

Yeah, I know.

‐Hey! ‐Ungowa! Ungowa.

Moo goo gai pan.

Hear me, O Spirit of Darkness. That's the guy.

Klinger, I'm pooped.

Ah, it's working already.

All right, I'll bite. What's working?

My voodoo.

‐You do voodoo? ‐Ungowa.

‐(gibberish) ‐Hey, come on!

Colonel, Colonel,

I've tried chicanery malingering,

and endless flimflammery to get out of here.

Well, no more Mr. Nice Guy.

I'm pulling out the heavy artillery.

Boo‐la, boo‐la! Chicken gumbo!

Get away!

Boy, that better not be one of mine.

‐No, no. I got that from the cook. ‐Oh.

Colonel, I'm gonna put such a curse on you,

you'll be on your knees

begging me to accept a Section 8.

Uh‐huh.

Oh, and if that don't do it, sir‐‐

ha ha‐‐I'll be forced to use this!

Oh, come on, Klinger. Cut out the weird stuff.

I presume that's a little me?

It ain't Mickey Rooney.

Now, you know how this works, don't you, sir?

Every day, another pin.

Every day, another pain.

Stick it, swami.

You're living on borrowed time, sir.

Come on! You can't talk to the colonel like that.

And you stay out of it,

or the teddy bear gets it next!

‐Good morning, Father. ‐Father.

Looks like you'll have a full house Sunday.

I expect so. I usually do after a big battle.

Out there, when the fighting is fiercest,

a lot of silent promises get made.

Corporal North. What a coincidence.

We're both from the same blood type.

Oh, skip the balloon juice, Doc.

Is this one gonna send me home?

I never know how to break news like this,

‐but you're in good shape. ‐Damn.

They're gonna ship me right back to that maniac.

Wait, let me guess.

The lovely and talented Colonel Lacy.

Doc, I swear, if they ship me back to that unit,

I'll kill him.

Well, not right away. You need some rest first.

And don't expect to get any here.

Honk all you want. We're not moving this hospital.

Who is that idiot?

I've never seen him before.

Or anyone like him.

Back up, Margaret.

Your hot breath is fogging the window.

Colonel Lacy, 163rd. Infantry. Combat.

Yeah, uh, O'Reilly, 4077th. Clerk. Company.

Well, just the man I want to see.

Thank you, sir. Why?

You run this outfit, don't you?

Oh, no, sir. We have a colonel that does that.

Well, on paper, maybe. I've never seen the unit yet

where the company clerk wasn't the real man in charge.

Oh, yeah? Oh, well, yeah.

O'Reilly, I've got some men laid up here.

I wonder if it'd be possible for me to visit 'em.

Oh, I don't know, sir.

I have to check with the doctors.

‐Oh, I see. Hmm. ‐Oh, wait a minute.

Well, no. I can help you out.

‐Much appreciated. ‐Yeah.

We'll go right through my headquarters here.

Uh, Colonel, perhaps you might be interested.

Uh, this is our communication center here.

From here I can contact any place in Korea

or every elsewhere.

You do that, son.

Now, where'd you say my men were?

Oh, Colonel Potter,

I'd like you to meet Colonel Lacy.

Nice to meet you.

Colonel Lacy, this is Colonel Potter.

‐Heard a lot about you, Lacy. ‐He's here to see his men.

Well, all good, I hope, Colonel.

Fact is, I could say the same for you.

I was just, uh, briefly briefing the colonel

about the inner workings of communications.

Yeah, Radar, listen. My desk drawer's stuck again. Fix it, will ya?

Yes. Uh, yes, I will, sir. Right away.

Uh, Colonel, he'll take over for now,

‐but if you need me‐‐ ‐Radar.

...I'll be gone.

You know, I've done a little homework on your unit, Colonel.

97% survival rate.

That's a very impressive statistic.

It's nothing compared to the casualty rate.

Post‐op is right this way.

This is the saddest part of war: the cost.

Good morning, Colonel Potter.

Colonel Lacy, Major Houlihan, our head nurse.

So you're Colonel Lacy.

And you're the head nurse.

I'm surprised.

At what?

To find someone so young

in such a responsible position.

I do my best.

Colonel Lacy, Captains Pierce and Hunnicutt,

two of our surgeons.

Doctors, it's an honor.

‐The pleasure's all yours. ‐Nice to meet you.

Take a look around and see what you've done.

Colonel, I'd like to visit with my men.

Of course.

Psst.

Do me a favor. As long as he's here, lay off.

‐Yes. ‐That goes for you too.

Hello, North. They treating you all right?

North?

I understand, son. You just get better.

Ahem. Men, I, uh...

I would like to visit with each one of you personally,

but there isn't enough time.

I want you to know I'm proud of you.

The battalion is proud of you.

One other thing.

Your performance over the last few days

has given me the confidence to submit a plan to I‐Corps‐‐

a plan for our battalion

to spearhead a counteroffensive up Hill 403.

And this time, men, we are going to take it.

I know your good wishes go with us.

God bless you.

And thanks.

Thanks to all of you.

Impressive. Disgusting but impressive.

Colonel, you left out a lot of good stuff.

What about "Into the valley of Death" or "Remember the Alamo"

or the ever‐popular "Damn the torpedoes"?

Doctor, why don't you just take care of these brave men?

"I have not yet begun to fight."

Colonel, before you go.

I've been in this man's army 30‐odd years.

I've never said this to a line officer before.

I wonder if you aren't being a little careless with your men.