Daytime Divas

Call the network; tell them I am not going to

the corporate retreat. It's a boy's club.

I refuse to be paraded around as the token female

in a leadership role. And then, confirm my ticket

to Paris for that weekend.

I wore that six months ago. Take that out of rotation,

then have it wrapped. I'll give it to my cleaning

lady for her birthday. Mike, quit with the blue gel.

We have black ladies on camera. You know better than that.

And one more thing, everyone...

Have a great show.

In all my years reporting the news, I've interviewed

presidents, princes, and pop stars,

but there are other voices that I wanted to be heard.

So, a decade ago, I created a show, where women could sit down

and say what's on their minds. And, boy, do they ever.

We have a real slice of American pie, who puts

faith and family first; a Pulitzer Prize-winning

journalist with a passion for justice;

a child star who is all grown up,

Her key O.V. is O.M.G.; and a real live wire who

will crack you up while she's tearing you down.

And me, Maxine Robinson. I'm in the left chair every

day at noon on The Lunch Hour, where no topic is taboo.

Alright, everyone, hang tight during

the commercial break. Our host will be back

- in just a few moments. - Okay, now, stay in there.

Hey, hey, careful! They're real.

Damn, Nina, could you look more nauseous?

Well, I am about to go on national television in a bathing suit.

Oh, please let there be another coup in Turkey so we're pre-empted.

Oh my gosh, those poor Turks.

But is that a possibility, because I am not at my pageant weight.

Oh, this is nothing.

Four years ago, Maxine made me do an on-air colonic.

Big surprise!

I was full of shit!

Back from commercial in 60 seconds.

- I've got ear buds. - Get away from me!

Oh, Shawn, can we turn the heat up in here?

Wardrobe, nipple covers for Heather.

Thanks.

Your move, Oprah!

Wow!

Maxine, you look banging!

Well, you look okay, baby girl.

This is so genius.

Just by going out there like this, we're empowering women

to feel more comfortable in their bodies.

No, we are empowering women.

You are jump-starting a generation of eating disorders.

- Maxine, stage needs you. - All right.

See you out there, ladies.

Oh, Maxine, I'm having a few issues with this segment.

I thought you'd be happy.

You're always saying how you represent the every woman.

And I can assure you every woman that I know would

not want to be standing next to Kibby in a bathing suit.

So, look, hear me out; I have an idea.

How about you cancel this segment?

I could do 10 minutes of stand-up, with pants.

And no one wants to see that.

How about you listen to your boss, get out there in your

bathing suit, and show the audience something else

they don't want to see.

Alright, let's go. Let's go.

Everyone's cell phones to Leon, as

soon as Leon gets done on his phone.

Okay, final sitting everybody.

We're back at The Lunch Hour.

Once again, here's Maxine.

It is the scariest time in a woman's life:

bathing suit season.

But today, The Lunch Hour is

bravely taking back the beach.

We have never been more real.

No Spanx, no filters,

no emergency lipo.

Oh, please.

Maxine has been nipping and tucking since she turned 35.

Which is the year she celebrated her 25th birthday.

Shhh! The audience can hear you.

Yeah, let them keep believing that no one touches that woman's

flawlessly aging face.

That's her brand, you know.

Everyone deserves to feel good in their own skin.

All ages, all sizes.

Am I right?

So, let's start with our newest co-host.

You know, it seems like yesterday that we fell

in love with her as "Lacey from Outer Spacey", but

now she's all grown up.

Kibby, come on out.

Well, if we're being really real, Maxine, these days I'm

most famous for my mug shot, followed by my stint in rehab.

Screw that little juvenile delinquent. I'm the funny one.

Oh, can you put a bit more concealer on my leg.

I never have time to fake bake.

Next up, Nina is ready for surf and sand!

Well, apparently, I've gone from reporting in a tank

to modelling a tankini.

Screw her and her Pulitzer Prize. I am the funny one.

Flish-flash. Here comes Mo.

Oh, I'm so real, I didn't even wax.

Mo, get that bush out of here.

And last but not least,

ready for the ocean,

or perhaps Elisabeth Hasselbeck's summer wing-ding.

Heather, come on out there.

Come on, Heather, show more skin.

Well, as the saying goes, modesty's hottest.

Well, hell, even Jesus would want to tap that.

Maxine, intro the suit.

Well, Heather's suit is both modest and won't break the bank.

There's nothing cuter than scoring a bargain.

Kibby, please be mindful that bargain basement clothing

is a direct result of third world nations paying underage

- workers below poverty wages. - Well, if the unions hadn't

- ruined American manufacturing... - So, now, you're

- pro-child labour? - No, no, do not put words

- in my mouth, Nina. - Come on, Nina.

Lighten up, okay? We're not on Rachel Maddow.

Heather, why don't you show us how you pageant girls do it?

Well, shoulders back, chin up, stomach in, and then toe,

heel, toe, heel, turn. And that's how I won

- Miss South Savannah. - Well, Heather, you would

have won Miss America if you walked like me.

You've got to put a little swag on.

Ooh, yeah. Oops!

That's our Mo.

- Charm school dropout. - No, I know how to walk

in hooker heels, okay? I just slipped on something.

Oh, Maxine, look,

it was your vagina.

- Ow! - All cameras, stay

on the hosts' faces. Okay, camera two,

get off Mo now.

Cut all the mics

except Nina's. Camera three, go close on Nina.

Nina, say the goodbyes now.

Ah, see you all on Monday. And, as always, lunch is on us.

Alright, let's go, let's go. Move it, move it, move. Move, move, move.

Isn't the soap what got you fired from that stupid space show?

Well, maybe you shouldn't be so judgey if you don't

know what the F you're talking about.

Great, now I'm on a show where girls wrestle in their underwear.

- Ladies, please, please stop fighting. - Oh, the fight is over!

Mo, get the hell out of here. You are fired!

Oh, please, Maxine! You can't fire me.

I've gone viral. Oh, yeah, more people are

seeing me talk about your chocha than watch your show.

I get you buzz! You need me.

Hmm. Co-hosts come and go, I stay.

- It's my show. - That was in the toilet.

That's why the network forced you to hire me.

They're not going to let you fire the most popular co-host.

Oh, yeah, they will 'cause I created it!

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa. I know you may have

created it, boo. But right now, I own it.

I own!

Heads up, she's coming! Come on, put it away.

Hey, Maxine, trust me, these viral videos have,

like, a 30-second shelf life. I mean, every Friday afternoon,

the paparazzi film my walk of shame into the probation office,

- and the Internet goes crazy. - As if that wasn't hard enough.

Well, T.P.I., these videos...

The point is, these videos trend for, like, five minutes,

and then somebody uploads a video of a dog barking

- Happy Birthday, and it's over. - Don't worry about me.

You take care of yourself. You're a real asset to the show.

I've already forgotten about Mo.

In one second, that bottom feeder made me

- look old and foolish! - The audience tunes in to

- see her say things like that. - No, they tune in to see me

leading discussions that relate to their lives.

- Yeah, Mom... - It's my show!

I am the left chair. How can I interview presidents

and Joe Jonas, when all they're thinking about is my aging coot?

The network will put me out to pasture.

- That is ridiculous. - Tom Brokaw is called

distinguished and wise. Because I'm a woman,

- I'm called irrelevant. - No, they call you

- elegant and incisive. - Oh, I don't need an

ass-kisser, my own son. I'll be off the grid for

- the rest of the day. - But we have a promo meeting.

Send my regrets. On second thought, tell

the women I am going to the network to discuss adding another co-host.

We absolutely do not

need another co-host. Shawn, don't you dare

let them add another comic. All these shows only

have one comic. If anything, we need more

- boring people like you, Nina. - How about we all play nice

and approve the new campaign?

Love. Can we go now?

Yeah, so Kibby's the only one who signed off.

- Sure. - Well, after what you

said to Maxine today, I'd approve the ad.

I'm not the felon who started the shoving match.

Ladies, Maxine was kind enough to give you

- all photo approval. - With all due respect, our