Barbarella

Stand by for a message from Dianthus,

President of Earth and Rotating Premier of the sun system.

- Barbarella? - Mr. President.

- Love. - Love.

Just a minute, I'll slip something on.

Don't trouble yourself. This is an affair of state.

What I must tell you not only is grave...

- ...it's a secret. - A secret?

Have you ever heard of a young scientist named Durand Durand?

- Yes. - Recently, while on a trip

to the North Star, he vanished into the uncharted regions of Tau Ceti.

But... why is that a secret?

Because Durand Durand is the inventor of the Positronic Ray.

It's a... It's a weapon.

Weapon?

Why would anybody want to invent a weapon?

How should I know?

I mean the universe has been pacified for centuries, sir.

What we know of it.

The trouble is we don't know anything about Tau Ceti or its inhabitants.

You mean they could still be living in a primitive state

- of neurotic irresponsibility? - Precisely.

And if they are, and if they have learned from this young scientist

the unspeakable secret of the Positronic Ray,

well, it may give them the power

to shatter the loving union of the universe.

That could lead to archaic insecurity, and...

And war.

You mean, selfish competition, and...

I mean war.

- Bloody conflict between entire tribes. - I don't believe it.

Neither do I, but we can't take the chance.

- Something must be done. - Yes,

- and you are the girl who must do it. - Why me?

Barbarella, I have no armies or police, and I can't spare the presidential band.

Besides, you're a five-star, double-rated Astro-Navigatrix.

Your mission then:

Find Durand Durand and use all of your incomparable talents

to preserve the security of the stars and our own mother planet.

- How do you read me? - Straight.

Here is the only known photograph of Durand Durand in existence.

Age 26, hazel eyes, a rather handsome fellow.

I don't think I'm gonna be able to recognize him, sir.

Now, this is a portable brainwave detector.

Attention. Set your atom transmitter at 0-3-5.

- Positive. - Object in transit.

Object received.

When you wish to test for the presence of Durand Durand,

simply press this contact.

The light will glow and the alarm will sound.

It has a built-in tongue box.

Here is something you may need.

- It's a weapon? - For self-preservation.

We borrowed it from the Museum of Conflict.

That's my good girl.

One day, Barbarella, we must meet in the flesh.

Thank you, and... Love.

Love.

Armed, like a naked savage.

Alpha 7 to Base, Alpha 7 to Base.

We are leaving the zone of Solar Attraction in seven minutes.

- Acknowledge. - Base to Alpha 7 , acknowledged.

Prepare for acceleration into Temporal Space.

Acceleration into Temporal Space Continuum now beginning.

Alphy, when do we get to the Tau Ceti gravitational field?

One hundred and fifty-four hours, seven minutes, elapses Earth time.

Right.

- Wake me up in 154 hours. - Confirmed.

Good night, Alphy.

Confirmed.

Deceleration looks in line

Barbarella rise and shine

Prepare to insert nourishment.

End of course in temporal acceleration in seven seconds.

Alphy, it's Tau Ceti.

- What's happening? - Magnetic disturbances.

Magnetic disturbances?

Emergency systems.

All emergency systems will now operate.

Our magnetic screens are dead.

Force of magnetic hurricane is 11.9.

Gyrocompass is not,

repeat, not functioning.

- You mean you can't navigate? - That is correct.

I'll switch it to manual.

What are our chances?

Our present possibilities of non-destruction

are 0.00002 to ten thousand.

My number two stabilizer has been damaged.

Where am I?

That's what I was gonna ask you.

Planet 16 in the system Tau Ceti.

Air density 0.051.

Cool weather with the possibility of stormy precipitations.

Analysis of the atmosphere: terrestrial, with a slight excess of oxygen.

I count 600,324 molecules per cubic millimeter.

Well, at least I'll be able to breathe.

What marvelous little girls. Hi!

Do you speak English?

Wait, let me adjust my tongue box.

That must be a galactic five dialect.

But I haven't skied in ages.

But that's Durand Durand's spaceship.

Hi.

Listen, you children, this game is very amusing, but I think it's gone too far.

I don't want to hurt you.

I just want to ask you some questions about this spaceship.

Come on, untie me or I'm gonna call your parents.

That's very sweet, but...

No.

Help!

Stop!

Hello.

Thank you.

No.

I can't understand.

I'd better adjust my tongue box.

Are you all right?

I think so.

Who are you?

I am Mark Hand, the catchman. And you, who are you?

I'm from the planet Earth.

Tell me, what do you know of this spaceship?

I know nothing.

It was here when I accepted the job of the catchman.

- Catchman? - Yes.

All children must live in the ice and forests of Weir

until they have reached a serviceable age.

- Serviceable? - And then I capture them with my net,

just as you have seen, and turn them over to the authorities.

I see.

Thank you.

Have you ever heard the name "Durand Durand"?

I know nothing of such matters.

I live alone in the ice and forests of Weir,

such is the life of a catchman.

Only in Sogo will you find the answer to the question you pose.

- Sogo? Is it near? - It's just beyond that ice deck.

By the way, is that your spacecraft I saw at the far edge of this lake?

Yes, but I'm afraid there may be something wrong with it.

See, there was a magnetic storm, and my stabilizers...

Perhaps I can help. I am not without experience in these matters.

After all, it is I who must service and maintain this ice craft.

If you'll allow me, I'll take you to your ship.

But there's no wind.

Hold on.

What a lovely cabin.

Wind.

I'm so grateful for what you've done, I hardly know how to begin to thank you.

I'm positive I could get you some sort of recompense from my government.

I mean, if there's anything you need, or that I can do, please tell me.

Well, you could let me make love to you.

"Make love" did you say?

- Yes. - What do you mean?

You don't even know my psychocardiogram.

Well, on Earth, for centuries people haven't made love

unless their psychocardiogram readings were in perfect confluence.

I know nothing of that.

You asked me what you could do for me, and I told you.

Well, all right, but I don't see what good it will do.

- Do you have any pills? - Pills?!

Oh, never mind. I have some, here.

What is this pill?

It's an exaltation transference pellet, of course.

- I know nothing of this. - I see.

Well, on Earth, when our psychocardiogram readings

are in harmony, and we wish to "make love," as you call it,

we take an exaltation transference pellet and remain like this.

Here, let me show you.

For one minute, or until full rapport is achieved.

I don't care for that. This, this is what I mean.

This, a bed.

That?

But nobody has done that for centuries. I mean, nobody except the very poor

who can't afford the pills and the psychocardiogram readings.

- Why not? - Because it was proved to be

distracting and a danger to maximum efficiency.

And... because it was pointless to continue it when other substitutes

for ego support and self-esteem were made available.

So... you won't do it?

Well, if you simply must insist, I guess so.

But I can assure you there's really no point at all in doing it like this.

Without your... garments, please.

Now, I'll have a look at your stabilizers.

Since your garment is torn, you may help yourself to my furs, Barbarella.

I think I have found the trouble.

You may proceed now to Sogo.

It's there you will find Durand Durand, Jr...

...if he still lives.

Good.

And now, Barbarella, don't you agree with me

that in some things the old-fashioned ways are best, after all?

What?

Oh, that.

Yes, I must admit it was rather... interesting.

Still, I see what they mean by saying it's distracting.

Are you coming with me to Sogo?

No, I prefer the tranquility of the ice and forests of Weir.

The life of Sogo is too strict, and the people too dedicated.

But, perhaps, you'll stop this way again after you've completed your mission.