M*A*S*H

Is this stuff for sale,

or are ya just takin' your knickknacks for a walk?

Everything for sale. Give up farm.

‐Must move south to city. ‐Hey, look, it's a Fuller junk man.

Do you have anything in a dishonorable discharge,

size 40 regular?

Hey, is this goat for sale?

Yes. Need money for city.

Besides, it's so hard to find an apartment that'll take kids.

‐How much? ‐Goat very valuable.

Twenty‐five dollars.

Could either of you guys loan me $25?

‐What, are you crazy? ‐Hey...

this is an investment in dairy futures.

You realize what people around here would pay for fresh milk?

Come on. Tomorrow's payday. Twenty‐five bucks for 24 hours.

All right, I'll let you have 15, but I get the first glass.

I'll go 10 for seconds.

Here you go. Come to papa.

I'm gonna milk you for all you're worth.

Come on, baby. Come on.

This is gonna be a fantastic business arrangement.

Good mornin', boys. How're you doin', Pierce?

‐Just fine, Colonel. ‐I get the feeling...

you haven't read the bulletin board the last few days.

I'm waiting for the movie to come out. Now, how do you know?

'Cause you haven't come screaming to me.

‐Why would I come screaming to you? ‐Because there's a notice

that says it's your turn to be paymaster.

‐I don't wanna be paymaster! ‐That's more like it.

Aw, come on. I've already done that once this war.

I like a man with experience.

Hawk, old buddy, can I have a raise?

Very funny. I got better things to do

than go to I‐Corps at the crack of dawn

and then spend the rest of the day doling out

money to a pack of drooling soldiers.

And I got better things to do than stand here and argue with you.

See you tomorrow, doughboy.

That does it.

When this war is over, I'm going home.

Uh, Colonel...

Well, what have we here? Woolworth on wheels.

Actually, some of this stuff's not so bad.

I think Peg might like this vase.

‐How much is this? ‐Five dollars.

‐Here, hold this, will ya? ‐Yes...

Five dollars, huh? Oh, I've only got three.

Well, if that's all you've got...

I'll give you 10 for it.

Ten beats three anytime. You got it.

Well, thanks a lot, Charles.

Oh, dear. I, uh... I seem to be temporarily out of cash.

I'll gladly pay you the 10 tomorrow.

Must leave today. Three dollars in hand beats your $10.

Uh, would it be worth staying a day for, say, $50?

‐Fifty? ‐Okay.

Fifty dollar buys you one day.

Very well. See you on the morrow.

And thank you.

Charles, what the hell is this? You saw that I wanted that vase.

Nothing personal, Hunnicutt. I just think it's, uh, cute.

Fresh milk here. Spend your fresh money on fresh milk.

Why take a powder when you can get the real thing?

Next. Name.

Captain Pierce.

Not my name. Your name, Rizzo.

If you know my name, what'd you ask me for?

All right. Rizzo. Rizzo.

Come on, Pierce! Do you work at being slow?

‐Yeah, this is taking forever. ‐(clamoring)

All right! All right. All right. I'm doing the best I can.

‐"Rizzo, Sergeant Luther." ‐Mm‐hmm. Yeah.

‐162. Here. ‐Mm‐hmm.

‐Count that back to me. ‐(muttering)

Five.

Ten.

Fresh milk! Fresh milk!

Spend your fresh money on fresh milk.

Hold on.

‐Five. Ten. ‐(helicopters arriving)

MAN (on P. A.): Attention. Attention, all personnel.

Wounded coming in.

‐Time to start earning that big money. ‐That's it!

Everybody who hasn't got your money, reassemble here after O. R.

Sign that. Klinger, put that in the safe.

‐Five. Ten. ‐Excuse me.

‐Okay. ‐Hi, there.

Is this table all right? Or would you prefer

something a little closer to the piano bar?

I hope you're a good doctor.

Hey, don't worry about a thing.

When I was in med school, I was always first in my class.

Of course, I lived right next door.

Klinger, I'll need another unit of whole blood.

‐Right away, sir. ‐Klinger, did you put the money in the safe?

I didn't wanna bother the colonel in triage.

He's the only one who knows the combination.

And no one's gonna find out. It's Mildred's measurements.

But don't worry, sir. I locked all that money in a safe place.

All the flights to Rio were booked, huh?

Metz, please. Thank you, Margaret.

You're doing your usual fine job.

That's the third compliment you've given me today, Major.

As a matter of fact, that's the third compliment you've ever given me.

Well, I must try to remedy that in the future.

Well, if it's money you want, I haven't been paid yet.

Money is hardly a problem for me.

An elective course I once took in Oriental art

is about to pay for itself 50‐fold.

Thank you.

Now I have to pass out money

when all I really wanna do is pass out.

All you need, sir, is a quick pick‐me‐up. How about a milk shake?

Or just a nice, fresh,

moderately priced glass of Grade A...

‐(rustling) ‐Oh, my God!

Your milk machine is having a snack.

Ah, keep laughing. I put the money in there.

What? If that goat so much as slobbered on that money...

‐What money? ‐You idiot!

How could you let that goat just walk around free?

I think the walking around was her idea.

What was she doing in here?

If I'd left her outside, everybody'd just walk up and milk her.

‐What am I gonna tell the colonel? ‐Just tell him the truth.

Wonderful. "Colonel Potter, a goat ate the payroll."

‐I don't believe it! ‐I give you Exhibit A.

Sir, please don't send her to the glue factory!

‐She didn't know what she was doing. ‐But you should've.

Any fool knows a goat eats everything.

‐Almost any fool. ‐How many people haven't been paid besides me?

Most of them. I was just getting started

when we got called to triage.

‐So what happens now? ‐Well, I'm a little rusty on procedures

for when the payroll has been eaten by a goat.

Klinger, call I‐Corps and check into it.

‐Yes, sir. ‐So, meanwhile, what am I supposed to tell

‐all those people who are still expecting to be paid? ‐Just tell 'em the truth.

What in the world are you talking about?

I don't want to hear anymore of your fairy stories!

I knew you'd understand.

I don't wanna hear about goats.

I wanna hear about when we're getting our money.

And it had better be before the end of the day!

That's being looked into right now. And I bet you

I‐Corps has that money here first thing tomorrow.

Tomorrow doesn't buy me beans.

Okay. Okay, okay, okay, look. W‐W‐Wait a minute.

Why don't we all have a drink on me?

Oh, where did you get the money to buy us all drinks?

‐(murmuring) ‐Well...

by a quirk of fate, I was the first one paid.

‐What a coincidence! ‐(clamoring resumes)

Come on. Folks, why don't we all talk about it over drinks?

Igor, set 'em up.

Sorry, Captain, but there's hardly anything left.

I was waiting for payday to collect the tabs

so I could buy the new shipment.

All right, I'll tell you what.

Let's all go over to my place

and we'll have something from the still.

Free booze for everybody who promises not to use me as a swizzle stick.

Psst!

Psst! Psst!

Hello, my friend. You're right on time.

‐Did you bring my little purchase? ‐First, money.

Yes, of course. Of course. Naturally.

‐There you are. ‐What's this?

‐This my personal check. ‐I want money.

‐You promised me 50 dollar. ‐This is better than money.

Naturally, I have identifications.

You should have no trouble at all cashing that

at your neighborhood liquor store.

I'm sorry. I want real cash.

I go find man with three bucks.

I must have that vase. W...

Ju... Just give me a little more time.

Forty.

Forty‐five. Fifty.

‐(clears throat) Fifty... ‐Wait right here.

‐(chuckles) Rizzo, it, uh... ‐Hmm?

It would appear that you've been paid.

And it would appear that you wasn't.

Now let's see. Now where was I...

Forty‐five. Fifty.

Rizzo, I wonder if you would consider making me a...

A loan? Oh, gee, I never thought of it.

‐All I need is... ‐Is 50. Here you go.

Of course, I will have to charge you simple interest.

Yes, of course, fine. Now, what could that be? Uh, four percent?

‐Five? ‐Hmm, well... (chuckles)

A little more simple than that. A hundred percent.

‐One hundred percent? ‐Per day.

Uh, that way I don't have to do no 'rithmetic.

I see you have cash. Maybe you like to buy vase.

No! It's a deal. It's a deal.

See, now everybody's happy.

You... clumsy oaf!

Will you watch where you're falling?