Creepshow

Oh, the door.

Uh, I just-- I don't want to offend you.

Ah, I'm--I'm holding a hot cup of coffee

and 20 pounds of books. Offend me, please.

Thank you.

Hey, sorry about the door thing.

It's just I was married for nine years

and then apparently everything I did offended her.

She sounds very difficult to please.

Yeah, my lawyer would agree.

Well, can I make it up to you?

Can I help you with-- maybe carry something?

I don't see why not.

I only live a couple of blocks down.

What's the worst that could happen?

You steal a lot of books, some nesting bowls, a robe.

Here. - All right.

Thank you. It's not your size by the way.

So, you like to shop, huh?

You know my ex-wife actually-- no, we're not gonna do that.

Uh, how--

How's your latte, Sarah?

It's on your cup. Sarah with an H.

Right.

It's actually Sara without an H.

But ya know after telling the barista guy a dozen times

and him not getting it, I gave up.

Because do you know what?

Macchiatos still taste the same with or without an H.

I thought I saw you there before.

You noticed me?

I did.

Did you notice me?

- Maybe. - Maybe?

Hmm.

Well, um, you know, it was your smile actually,

that I first noticed.

I'm a--I'm an OBGYN, so, I do see a lot of women.

I'm just not usually looking at their faces,

which that sounds super creepy.

Can we just start over, take this back?

And I'll go open the door for you the--right away.

That's okay, Doctor...Barry.

- Without an H. - Without an H.

So, tell me just so I know for when I--

when I do start dating again, what was it that gave me away?

Was it the awkward conversation?

Or the failed attempt at a compliment?

Or just constantly referencing my ex-wife?

I'm gonna go with all of the above.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dating's going to be a lot harder than I thought.

Dating is a nightmare.

My friend Miranda says that if I don't put myself

back out there soon,

I'm likely to snap from extreme loneliness

and start murdering random men for sport.

I mean, who am I to judge, you know?

- This is me. - Oh, wow, it's a nice place.

I don't usually invite strangers in,

but you seem nice and normalish.

And I have a bottle of wine in this bag that I can open.

Wine, wow.

I don't know if I sh--sh--uh-- - Oh uh, yeah, okay.

Well, I just, ya know, I thought I would ask.

And thanks so much for your help.

Maybe, maybe later if you--

That's how you'll stay single.

That was amazing.

That was so good.

Wow.

Aw, thanks.

You know I still have that bottle of wine in here

if you change your-- - On my way up.

You got this, Bar.

It's interesting decorating.

Yeah, I like weird things.

Lucky for me.

Oh.

You know, you have an amazing voice.

Do you ever hope to share it?

No, no, no, no.

Oh my God, I can't even imagine like

getting up in front of a whole bunch of people

and like just sing--oh!

Oh my God, I'm so sorry. - Oh, oh, oh.

It's okay. It's okay. - Oh, shoot.

Ah, this is my favorite dress.

I-I-I'll be right back.

I'm so sorry. - It's okay.

It's totally fine. - Sorry.

Um, I do kinda like these pants.

Do you mind if I use your bathroom?

Okay.

Ah, you just made it worse, Barry.

You're such an idiot. No wonder your wife left you.

What the hell?

Holy shit. Holy shit.

What's the hurry, Bar?

Hey, we have to call the cops, I found a--

Shit, I was hoping to have a glass of wine first.

Oh, hey. This is my friend, Miranda.

Hi, Barry.

Sara's told me so much about you.

It's nice to finally meet you.

- Yeah, well, I met your other friend in the shower.

Only he wasn't looking so good.

Get out of my way, both of you.

- Oh, you're threatening us. Oh, that's really good, Doc.

- Yeah, we're in control, Barry, not you.

There was something telling me

that I shouldn't have come in here.

And I should've listened to that voice, instead of yours.

What is happening?

- I can control you any way that I want.

You'd be surprised how many men secretly crave that.

Until I devour them.

What are you, a cannibal?

She's a siren, Barry.

- A siren? A siren?

That was you singing, not Sara?

Okay, you two are crazy.

- Oh Barry, don't be so closed-minded.

What, you expect me to believe

you're a mythical, singing mermaid?

I'm not that type of siren.

- Oh, oh, oh. Can I womansplain it to him?

Please? - Go for it, Sara.

-She's more of a bird-like descendent

from ancient Greek times.

She seeks out those who take delight in worldly pleasures.

-For they will become the devil's prey.

-Nice dramatic ending, Sara.

Aw, thanks.

- So, you see, we're not all half mermaids

luring sailors in for a good time.

- Right, just a half-bird lady whose friend lured a doctor in

for a good time.

Look, what is going on here?

- We need you. - Me?

Well, we needed a doctor.

So, I followed you

and Miranda seduced you to come up here.

- Oh, okay. So, you're a stalker.

And you're a man-eater. Wow, how convenient.

- I would've brought you up here myself, but Sara,

she plays damsel in distress so much better than me.

Ah, no, no, no.

Any woman could've brought up this loser fish.

I mean, you know, he's just a pathetic,

desperate divorcee who hasn't been laid in years.

That's a pretty accurate picture, right, Barry?

- We brought you up here for a very specific reason.

I need to die.

Die?

Well, then jump out of a window.

Look, there's a window right there.

What do you need me for?

- I need you to perform an operation.

I want you to swap my voice box with Sara's,

so that I'm no longer a siren.

And then I can live out my life just like any other mortal.

You wanna swap voice boxes?

Okay, first of all, not that kind of doctor.

Second of all, I'm not a fool.

So, whatever you both are, you are fucking nuts.

Ah!

Okay, what is happening?

Will you do the operation?

- I'm losing my mind. - And I'm losing my patience.

- Look, you don't want me to do this kind of operation.

I'm just a nervous, twitchy gynecologist.

- She can make you plunge this dagger deep into your brain

if you don't do what we ask you.

Not like anyone's gonna miss ya.

- Okay, I'll do it. - See, was that so hard?

Great.

I've been thinking about this ritual

for a very long time. - Yeah, I bet you have.

Look, what you need is an otologist.

I just do pelvic exams and routine pap smears.

My expertise is in a very, well, different

part of the body.

- I trust you more with my neck.

- But neither one of you can trust me

when you're under anesthesia.

- Well, that's why you'll put us out one at a time.

- That way, we can keep an eye on you.

See?

Okay, so are there any more questions?

Because my expertise

is with all the delicious parts of a man's body.

- If Miranda's not completely full of shit,

you could turn into some sort of

maneating siren-bird thing.

Is that really what you want?

I can't believe you just asked that.

Just shut the fuck up.

Do what she tells you and don't make her angry.

Don't worry.