The Cockfields

THEY LAUGH

What time do you reckon it is now then? About 6.30?

I've got a question for you.

Do you think it's too early to put the washing on?

Yes!

Did you hear Ray go for a piss in the night?

No, I'm gutted I missed that, though.

It went on for ages.

I thought there was a horse in there with him.

Apart from that, how's it going?

I'm having a nice time.

Oh, yeah? I am!

Stop worrying.

There they are!

Hiding!

Morning. Morning. Morning.

Did you sleep well, Donna?

Um, yeah, thanks.

You?

No, never do.

Oh.

My mind is always incredibly busy in the middle of the night.

Sorry to hear that.

No, no, no, not at all.

I absolutely love it.

Are you wearing lip gloss?

No, it's Canesten.

I've a very strict cosmetic regime first thing in the morning

because I have a high level of skin yeast.

Oh.

Yeah, if I didn't use it, my face would be as red as a fire engine.

Ding-ding!

Right.

Well, best crack on. Yeah.

There's a breakfast cookie in the kitchen as big as a baby's face,

and it's got my name on it.

Is he ever in a bad mood?

Never. Oh, dear.

Do you want to try and get a bit of extra kip?

Definitely.

Sis, your cardi's here, love.

Can you feel it?

Alan Titchmarsh has moved to the island, Donna.

Oh, has he?

Yeah, we saw him in Morrisons down one of the aisles, didn't we, Ray?

Yeah, yeah, we asked him which slug pellets he recommended.

Lots of famous people have lived on the island

at one time or other, Donna.

Charles Dickens.

Mahatma Gandhi.

Phill Jupitus. Oh!

Shaw Taylor from Police 5.

I don't know him.

We ran in to him in Totland, once.

Oooh, he had aged.

Yeah, I don't know who that is.

Keep 'em peeled.

Sorry, I don't know what that is, Ray.

Just nod along, otherwise this will go on all afternoon.

Have you ever lived near anyone famous, Donna?

Um, no, no, not really.

I suppose Anne Hegerty from The Chase lived in the next village.

What?

What?

Why didn't you mentioned this before? Um...

We love The Chase. Oh, I didn't know.

We record them all and then watch them in the evening, don't we, Sue?

Yeah, I can't believe you know Anne Hegerty.

We've got some episodes to catch up on.

We can watch them tonight!

Well, that's our evening sorted.

Yeah, I'm definitely going to bed early. Hiya!

Hello!

Hi, Garth. SUE: Hi, Garthy.

Lunch is on its way, Rose.

Shepherd's pie and a pud-pud.

Thanks, Garth.

Garthy, this is Donna, Simon's girlfriend.

They're over for the weekend,

and Donna's never been to the island before.

Ooh, get out while you still can!

We're all a bunch of odd-bods!

Just to let you know, she was a little bit weepy yesterday.

But she had some tomato soup and Jane sang Whitney Houston

for her and she seemed to brighten up a bit.

Oh, that's good, well, I must thank Jane.

Cor, gimme 20 minutes, I'd know how to thank her.

More like 20 seconds, Donna.

You should be so lucky, Ray,

Jane was nearly a member of Brotherhood of Man.

Really? Yeah. I didn't know that.

In the auditions, she got down to the last 150.

Now, can I get anyone a drinkie poo?

No, we're all fine, thank you.

I'll leave you all to it then.

- See you in a tick-tock. - See you, Garth.

Garth's got terrible halitosis,

but he's a fantastic ballroom dancer.

I can't get my head round that he's married with six kids.

Why do you think he's gay, Ray?

Oh, let's think.

He's a male nurse and he says "tick-tock" and "pud-pud" every half hour.

- Come on, behave, Sue. - Can I give Simon his present, Sue?

Of course you can. Oh, yes, please, here we go.

Blimey!

Bloody hell!

Now,

obviously, I bought it for her but she did give me the money.

- Do you want to sit here Ray? - No, no, you're all right, Sue.

What an extraordinary nose!

What is it, Mum?

It's for the garden.

We thought it would be a bit of fun, didn't we, Rose?

Look at his little face, it's what you wanted, isn't it?

What am I meant to do with it?

We thought you could put it in the back garden.

- What, buried? - Oh, shut up.

If it was left to you, he wouldn't have a present.

- That would have been preferable. - Do you like it, Donna?

Yes, Auntie Rose, it's really nice.

Do you like it, Simon?

Oh, he absolutely loves it.

Have you kept the receipt?

Well, you're only 40 once.

Thanks, Auntie Rose.

- Dad, do you want to sit here? - David, I'm perfectly fine, thank you!

Trolley Dolly's here!

Your lunch is here, Rose, so we'll get out of your hair.

Lovely to see you, Auntie Rose.

Happy birthday for tomorrow.

- Lovely to meet... - Bye-bye.

We'll see you soon, love.

Bye-bye, Garthy. Thank you.

Bye, Sue, David.

Ciao Raymondo!

Is he winding me up?

Bye, Edith.

Bye, Carol.

Bye, Betty.

- Bye, Freda. - Piss off!

Oh, dear.

Sorry about that, Donna.

- It's Jane! - Freda's my favourite.

Hello, Jane!

Hi, Sue! Hi, Ray.

Hello, Jane.

Jane, thank you so much for singing to my sister.

You did cheer her up.

Oh, that's what I'm here for!

How's it going with you, love?

I've just been booked to do a little rock and roll gig

in a pottery museum next week.

- How lovely! - And wait for this...

I've started life modelling as well.

Really?

What, nude?

Yes!

I don't know how you do that, Jane, I mean,

I know you're gorgeous, but don't you get embarrassed?

No, you know me, I'm quite the exhibitionist.

I love being naked.

Any excuse.

Around the house, although I am lodging at the minute

so I have to keep a lid on it.

Right, I think we'd best go, Sue.

- Bye, Jane. - See you!

We should go and see Alan Titchmarsh's house on the way home, shouldn't we?

Ray? Ray!

Really?

Well, we're going that way, anyway.

- Fine. - Are you up for that, David?

Oh, yes, I greet that plan with open arms!

Mum, me and Donna were going to pop into Ventnor.

Oh, no, no, no, you do whatever you want.

Change of plan, we'll go to Ventnor instead.

No, it's all right, you go, we'll get the bus.

Don't be silly, we don't have to go to Alan Titchmarsh's,

we can drop you in Ventnor and sit and wait in the car for you.

No, don't do that, go and have a look at Alan Titchmarsh's house

- and we'll go to Ventnor! - No, it's all right, we'll take you

and then we'll wait in the car for you.

You can't sit in the car! I just said, we'll get the bus!

We don't mind waiting in the car, do we? Ray?!

No, have a wander round Ventnor, we don't mind,

and then we'll wait for you in the car.

Honestly, don't worry about us, we'll get the bus, Sue.

Yeah, don't change your plans for us.

No, no, no, you can do whatever you want.

It's your weekend.

You don't even have to have your birthday lunch with us tomorrow, if you don't want to.

How have we jumped to that? The whole point of us coming over was for my 40th!

- Jesus! - Tell him, Ray!

Listen to your mother.

Go and have a wander in Ventnor and we'll sit in the car and wait for you.

Right, forget it, we're not going to Ventnor!

I can't be bothered. It's too much like hard work.

Don't be like that, Simon.

No, let's all just get in the car and go to bloody Alan Titchmarsh's house!

Hey! Don't slam the boot, Simon.

Already done it, Ray.