M*A*S*H

From Movietone News cameramen

advancing with United Nations troops,

come these films of actual frontline fighting.

The harsh, grim realism of war

as the medical corps fights for every life

bringing helicopters right to the battlefront,

returning the wounded to nearby surgical units.

Out here, minutes mean lives.

Lori, check the temperature on that chest wound.

Good evening. This is Korea, October 9, 1952.

I'm Clete Roberts,

and I'm speaking to you from the recovery room

of the 4077th Mobile Army Surgical Hospital‐‐ a MASH.

The fighting began out here more than two years ago,

and in spite of the ongoing peace talks,

an end seems nowhere in sight.

This isn't the first time

we've been to this particular unit,

but we've returned because its record of efficiency,

and the people who make that record,

are a truly unique story.

Doctor?

Doctor, could I, uh, bother you a moment?

Yeah, uh, just hold on a second.

Set up a tray for me tomorrow,

and I'll remove the sutures, okay?

‐Yes. ‐As a practicing surgeon

how do you cope with these unusual circumstances?

Well, usually I just, uh, turn my mind off

and hope it'll all go away.

That, uh, doesn't, uh, seem to work, though,

so most times you just, uh,

do your job and try to forget

that there's a war going on outside the window.

‐(all yelling) ‐Give me a towel!

Somebody put a blanket over that window!

Keep calm, everybody.

This can't go on much more than forever.

I'm telling you we're being shelled!

Do you hear me? It's been going on for half an hour!

Impossible. My latest intelligence map shows

there are no enemy units in your sector.

You are not being shelled, young man.

If you don't believe me, listen for yourself.

Did ya‐‐ Did‐‐ Did ya‐‐

Hello? Hello?

I've seen the casualty reports,

and the number of wounded men that pass through here

is staggering.

Yeah, we've got enough clientele here

to open a hospital.

Makes for some long sessions in O. R.

I've seen surgeons so tired,

they almost fell asleep on their patients.

‐Time? ‐About 0100.

0100? I worked around the clock!

Sure beats working around here.

I'm so bushed I can't remember my last patient.

‐He had quintuplets. ‐Oh, yeah.

How many more out there?

I counted 19 when I came in.

19? There were 19 two hours ago.

They restock the shelves when they run out.

How long we been at this?

‐I started surgery in 1932. ‐I mean this session.

So do I.

Maybe we should charge them piecework.

We can't. This is war.

By the way, which war is this?

The latest war to end all wars.

‐Rough, huh? ‐Plenty.

‐Want a puff? ‐Thanks.

I'm taking 10 minutes.

I'm on 10 minutes.

Between us, we got 20 minutes. Let's go.

What's your most difficult problem here?

Well, uh, for me, the toughest

is getting used to doing things the army way.

You see, back home in Toledo,

when we needed something, we just stole it.

Borrowed it.

You know, back in Iowa, if you wanted somethin',

all you had to do was ask for it.

But, I mean, wow. Over here, they got,

uh, paperwork and requisitions for everything.

Okay, sir, uh, you sign this top form,

then initial all the rest.

‐Initial, Radar? ‐Oh, yes, sir.

Uh, your initials signify that, instead of signing, you initialed.

Uh, then, uh, you have to sign this form

which states that you merely initialed the forms that required signing.

Uh, then, after you've signed,

you put your initial where you signed

so that people will know that you okayed your signature with your initial.

Radar, tell me the truth.

Do you understand any of this?

Uh, I try not to, sir. It slows up the work.

The business at hand is an incubator‐‐

that is, if my lieutenant understood

what your colonel said you captains want.

Right.

And we need one as soon as possible.

Inhalator, indicator, inoculator, infuselator.

Here it is. 437/R2, incubator.

Thar she blows!

"A device for developing bacterial cultures

at constant, suitable temperatures."

Uh‐huh. I see.

That certainly makes sense.

You can't have one.

Beg your pardon?

I checked your B.E.L. Basic Equipment List?

This unit has everything it's supposed to have.

You're not entitled to an incubator.

That would be a‐‐ a luxury.

Luxury?

We're not asking for a jukebox

or a pizza oven.

Those I can let you have.

No kidding.

Hey, those would be great on movie nights.

Uh, you got any pizza requisition forms?

Uh, just use the standard S1798

and write in "pizza" where it says "machine gun."

What do you miss the most?

Well, just offhand I'd say, uh, uh

a mattress thicker than a matzo...

my own bathroom with a combination lock...

any woman out of any uniform...

and the entire state of Maine.

Well, I miss playing spoons with my wife.

Playing spoons? I don't understand.

‐You mean music? ‐No.

You cuddle up together like two spoons in a drawer.

Wait a minute. That's a little personal.

Maybe you shouldn't use it.

Whatever you say.

Aw, what the hell.

I'm sure there are plenty of people back home

who do the same thing.

Father, what do you miss the most?

Well, let's see.

I think, a chapel that didn't double as a mess tent.

You see, I'm very fond of stained glass.

What do I miss the most?

My very own room.

Sir, do you mind if we close those doors?

Don't be antisocial, Radar.

Would you mind turning your head, please.

Radar, I'm a doctor. I've seen more behinds than you'll ever have.

Uh, gee, I don't think it's too much to ask...

for one guy to ask another guy to turn his head.

Your modesty is almost indecent.

Well, if you're a doctor like you say...

then you don't need to see any more than you've seen.

Go ahead. Get sore. I love it when those little...

wisps of steam come out of your tiny ears.

Excuse, please, mister.

Sir?

There's a lady out there.

You'll have to excuse the way I look.

I haven't seen a beauty parlor since Tokyo.

Oh, you‐‐ you look just fine.

Oh, thank you.

What was the question?

What do you miss the most around here?

Around here?

Well, frankly,

I'd have to say a sense of order and discipline.

I think you'll all agree

that, by trying to introduce more discipline, more order,

I have hopefully made this

a more enjoyable war for all of us.

Fire ceremonial salute.

But, sir, the angle‐‐

Fire the salute, Private!

Yes, sir.

You! Ooh!

Well, one thing I miss is my wife's cooking.

What am I saying? Anybody's cooking.

I got it. Smell this.

Come on. Don't start with me.

‐I know what it smells like. ‐I mean it.

I can't eat if you do that.

Just take a sniff.

If you took a raw egg

and buried it in a shoe under a chicken coop.

I told you not to do that. How am I gonna eat this stuff?

Am I right? But a brown egg.

‐A brown egg, right? ‐Will you shut up?

‐Creamed corn? ‐Thank you.

And for the entree today‐‐

‐Here it comes. ‐Steady.

We have liver or fish.

I didn't hear you say that.

Because it isn't possible.

It's inhuman to serve the same food day after day.

The Geneva convention prohibits the killing of our taste buds.

Easy.

I simply cannot eat the same food every day.