The Last Man on Earth

Previously on The Last Man on Earth...

Oh!

I put Gordon away. I don't need him anymore.

She murdered someone,

and I don't think she's processing it.

We need to get out of here. This place is a nightmare.

I can't live like this anymore!

I'm leaving tomorrow!

- Me, too! - I'll go with you!

Where to?

TANDY (over CB radio): This is your captain, Tandy Miller.

We are now officially out of Los Angeles.

We got a brand-spankin'-new 1986 prison bus,

and we are 300 miles from San Francisco.

Over.

I'm gonna need another pee break. Over.

- No! - No!

- No! - Boo!

You just peed, like, ten minutes ago.

Got a baby sitting on my bladder.

Sorry not sorry. Over.

Carol, I'm a month further along than you,

and I don't have to pee as much.

This is not the time for petty jealousy, Erica. Over.

Hey, I haven't heard from Gail in a while.

Hey, Gail-bird, you out there?

How's that self-driving car treating you?

She overheat, or what?

Oh! Oh!

Son of a bitch!

Heel! Heel!

Bad car! How dare you disobey me!

No luck with these self-driving cars.

My friggin' accordion was in there!

Are you gonna be able to save her?

I have absolutely no idea.

Here, let me get in there, huh?

Let me give her a look-aroo.

Don't you need some tools?

Well, I'm already using the biggest tool there is.

The human brain.

- (sizzles) - (gasps in pain)

Very hot. Very hot.

- (sizzles) - (yells in pain)

Went for the same place, would you believe it. Gurg.

Has not cooled down yet.

That's gonna blister.

Blister? Hardly knew 'er.

But, yes, it is. (groans)

Oh. Hey.

You packed Gordon.

Well, I...

- Yeah. - I see.

I d... I did. I packed Gordon.

So what's the deal? You usin' again?

What is it to you, actually?

You have another girlfriend, Todd.

Yeah, but this is a hunk of plastic.

You know, it's just weird.

You better watch your step there, Dudley,

'cause you're about to dip your toes in a gator pond.

- I see. - I mean, you haven't exactly

been available to me ever since you been running around

after a crazy person.

Come on, Gail, "crazy" is a little harsh, don't you think?

Is it?

Melissa!

Are you just getting your steps in, hon?

I'm just stretching my legs. Been in the car for so long.

See? She just needed to stretch her legs... totally normal.

Got to be alert. Never know where it's gonna come from.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Where's what's gonna come from?

If I knew that, I wouldn't have to be running.

Yeah. Totally normal.

Hey. How'd it go with the Eliminator?

She dead.

Yep. Gave it all my lovin',

all my hugs and kisses, too,

but, looks like we're gonna have to eliminate 'er

from the rest of the trip.

Sad boom.

Who wants snacks?

Ah, look at that! (others murmuring)

Ooh.

Since we weren't gonna make it

to our final destination till tomorrow,

I thought I'd treat us with a Golden Gate Bridge

made out of Twizzlers tonight.

- TODD (chuckles): Carol. Wowee.

What are all these jelly beans?

Oh. Those are jumpers.

I like to show the realistic side.

Number one place to commit suicide...

Because... it's so beautiful!

Oh! Carol, what the hell?

These are not jelly beans.

Oh, technically, they are.

They're adzuki beans dipped in petroleum jelly.

That's disgusting!

Please, can we just get to San Francisco already?

Amen to that.

Look, we've been through a lot.

I think we're all coming apart at the seams a little bit.

: Ah, my fingers are Bugles!

I'm eating my fingers. (grunting)

It's okay, sweetheart.

Look, being on the road is just stressful.

That's why so many rock and roll marriages

don't go the distance.

- Circus performers, too. Yeah.

I once drove cross country with my partner.

We thought it would be a fun vacation, but, uh...

it was the worst.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Lewis.

You went on vacay with your business partner?

No, Tandy, I was talking about my lover.

You were lovers with your business partner?

Talk about taboo!

You never mix business with pleasure, bud.

You know better than that.

I was not business partners with my lover.

Then who is your business partner?

I don't have a business partner.

But you just said you had a partner.

Did you mean "pardner"? You a cowboy?

No, Tandy. I'm gay.

You were gay.

Am gay. Currently.

Current.

Gay.

: Oh, my God.

Guys, are you hearing this?

Yeah. Yep, yep. Mm-hmm. We did.

- He's gay. - Mm-hmm.

I mean, we have a gay population!

You know, I was pumped when you were just Asian.

But a gay Asian? Hey, that checks off two boxes for us.

And how perfect that we're going to San Francisco.

The stars aligned!

Yeah, I've actually never been there, so...

You have not been to San Francisco?

Get outta town.

You know, it's famously homosexual.

No slouch in the Asian department, either.

- I'm aware, Tandy. - You're aware?

I thought your name was Lewis. Boom. (chuckles)

You'll love 'Frisco. Oh, he'll love 'Frisco.

Lewis is gay.

: Awesome.

What a wonderful turn of events.

My first gay friend.

I mean, when I look at our little caravan here,

it's hard not to think about how Noah must have felt

when he was loading up that ark.

I mean, we got a real Benetton ad going here.

We're creating

a new society, and I couldn't think of a better place

to do that than San Francisco.

Well, San Francisco's ears must be burning,

'cause it's right up ahead.

Folks, this is your captain, Tandy Miller, speaking.

We're in our final descent.

Y'all ready to get your San Fran on?

Oh, yeah! Yeah!

The home of Alcatraz, Coit Tower,

and, of course, Lombard Street, the least straight street

in the world. Lookin' at you, Lewis.

Be on the lookout for Tony Bennett's heart,

for legend has told he left it somewhere within city limits.

Now put some flowers in your hair, 'cause here it is.

The city by the bay!

Beautiful San Francisco!

Oh, farts.

Well, this is just great.

No, it's not great, Gail!

This is where we're supposed to go, and now it's all burnt.

Fire must've started and I guess there was no one to put it out.

How do you think it happened?

You know, lightning, friction from a severe sandstorm,

fire ants, certainly natural causes.

_

Now, that is a fireworks show.

Mother Nature can be so cruel.

Sorry, Lewis.

Tandy, again, I have no ties to San Francisco.

Attaboy, rip it off like a Band-Aid.

Well, what do we do now?

God, we've got to get back

in the damn cars again, don't we?

Okay, here's what we're gonna do.

Just think of a place that has all the things we loved

about San Francisco: the Golden Gate Bridge,

a prison island, world's curviest street.

Okay, listen to yourselves.

It's not up to us.

I mean, did Noah load up his ark

and decide where he was gonna land?

No.

We don't choose the place.