Cooper Barrett's Guide to Surviving Life

In life, you're gonna find that friends from your past

are gonna want to reconnect with you.

And sometimes that's great.

Is that bad?

This seems bad!

Other times, not so much.

My name is Cooper Barrett.

And I'm here to warn you about the dangers

of having a buddy come crash on your couch.

My name is Cooper Barrett.

My friends and I are here to mess up our lives

so you don't have to.

- _ - (siren chirps)

You've got ten minutes. - MAN 2 (over radio): One on the gate.

You guys are the worst.

Why am I hanging out with a bunch of 25-year-olds?

Because you're a middle-aged man

- who got married at 22. - Middle-aged?!

And is now trying to recapture his youth.

Since when is 37 middle-aged?

I'm gonna end up in prison drinking toilet wine

- 'cause Barry screwed up again. - Hold up, how did I screw up?

- Are you kidding me? - I mean, we're in here because of Josh!

Me? Kelly tried to kill my wife.

- How do I...?! - Guys, guys, guys!

It's nobody's fault.

MAN (over radio): Inmate reception, inmate reception.

- Except maybe Josh's. - Thank you.

- Yes. - What?!

We'll be fine just as long as we stick together

and we tell the truth.

Tell the truth... got it.

State your name.

Donald Funnelberg.

We know it's Barry Sandel.

Damn!

Neal Fissley.

Um...

what else you guys want to know?

Um... (clears throat)

I want to grab your gun.

No, I mean, I mean I'm having, like, a lot of thoughts

about grabbing your gun.

It's so shiny.

Josh Barrett, but before I answer any more questions,

I should probably talk to an attorney.

Oh, wait a second, I am an attorney.

I'll just give you a second

to wrap your heads around that one.

Kelly Bishop.

I live across the hall from the guys.

And you're just friends?

Yeah, yeah, just friends.

Why?

What'd Cooper say?

Absolutely, just friends, yeah.

Why, did-did she say something different?

'Cause, you know, we kissed last month at a Clippers game,

and we haven't really talked about it since.

- Do you guys think that's weird? - We don't care.

What happened to Cameron Rash?

Cameron?

Oh, uh...

Yeah, well, I guess, uh,

that all started a couple weeks ago.

See, my roommates and I are launching this hangover cure,

and, uh, we were in the middle

of a very important business meeting.

Look, guys, come on, our investors are gonna want to see

some progress, and we haven't even come up with a name yet.

So far, your votes are "Amelia Earhart."

Man, I thought we was playing charades.

- That's not bad. - Next vote.

- "Cooper Sucks." - (laughs)

- That was mine. Not a viable name.

Should I even bother reading this one?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's a good one. Read it. You'll like it.

- "Cooper Sucks." - Oh, hey!

Guys, come on, I know business meetings are boring, but can we

just focus for the next half hour?

Yeah. - (door opens)

What is up, my brothers?

Cameron Rash!

Come here! - What's up, Cam?

Hey, hey, Cam.

Hey, Cam. It's good to see you, man.

The truth is, Cam and I

were kind of tight in college,

but a little of him went a long way.

Besides, we're not in college anymore, right?

Oh! (whooping)

- (laughing) - Just like the old times.

Last time I saw you,

you were in your brother's dorm room

shotgunning beers with his friends.

I miss those days.

Hi, can you keep it down in here?

I'm trying to... shirtless.

Oh, what's up? Cam Rash.

Hi.

Kelly, abs.

What?

I don't know why I said that.

Kelly, muscular.

Cam's just a buddy of ours from college.

He's just been, uh...

Yeah, what have you been up to, man?

Oh, you know, just trekking though the, uh,

jungle of Guatemala.

Managing a zip line in Jualamaniña.

Nice. - Jualamaniña's not a place.

- No, it's a place. - I've actually been there, Cooper.

- It's totally a place. - Jualamaniña!

Awesome place.

- Not a place. - Quiet, let him finish.

Hey, you guys want to go get some cocktails?

- Yeah! - Yes, great idea.

I'll just call my wife and tell her

we're running Neal to the hospital

because we found a lump on his testicle.

Why do your alibis always involve my balls?

Because I am saving your prostate for Vegas.

Uh, yeah, Cam, we were actually in the middle

- of a business meeting, so... - What?!

Oh, yeah, I don't want to impose.

FYI... I'm staying for a week.

Where should I put my stuff? (laughs)

- You're so handsome. - Oh, the Rash ain't going away!

Bam! Hey, come on, guys, just one second.

- Can I talk to you two for a second? - Me?

Yeah, no, we're concerned. He's scared.

It's scary, uh...

You know what, guys, I don't think

it's a great idea if Cam stays here.

What are you talking about, man? We love Cam.

Yeah, I know, of course. We all, we all love him.

But you know what? I'm gonna drop a bomb.

I don't love him.

I think he's selfish, crude and destructive.

And if he stays here, it's gonna be

the biggest mistake we ever made.

Okay, got it.

All right. Okay. Message received.

Cam, come put your stuff right here, man!

Our casa es tu casa.

- (all clamoring) - Come here, man.

Yeah, oh, oh.

I wasn't happy about Cam staying, but, you know,

I was hopeful he'd changed.

He had.

He was worse.

In just eight days,

our place was the worst it's ever been.

And we live with a pig.

Dude, you are not gonna believe what just happened here.

Let me take a shot.

You were making one of your disgusting green smoothies.

You dropped this fork into the blender,

it explodes everywhere; instead of cleaning it up,

you decide to get high,

but you're not gonna look for matches,

so you use the stove to light this towel,

you pass out, the towel sets the chair on fire,

but the sprinklers don't work,

so you decide to put it out using

a combination of urine and bong water.

Wrong! It was this fork, so, uh...

Oh, no, wait, it was that fork, sorry.

Look, I'm gonna go do some, uh...

...capoeira out in the park.

See ya.

Shut the door so James Franco can't get out.

Got you, man.

Whoa, James Franco!

Come on, James Franco, come on.

Yeah, I know.

I don't want to go in there, either.

Good boy.

- He almost got out again. - Yeah, it's almost like it's a mistake

to have a 300-pound pig in your apartment.

Hey, so, um...

I'm going out with Cam tonight.

Are you serious?

Why?

Is there any reason I shouldn't?

Uh, yeah.

He's the worst human being in the world.

And if you go out with him,

it will be the biggest mistake of your life.

Got it.

Message received.

And just like Barry and Neal,

she ignored me.

You know, seeing my grandfather struggle to walk,

it made me want to help him.

And so that's why I became a physical therapist.

- Quick question. - Yeah?

What time are we gonna have sex tonight?

When are we who?

Our sex... when are we gonna have it tonight?