Catherine Cohen: The Twist...? She's Gorgeous

I'm starring in a show!

I'm Catherine and I dance very beautiful!

Hey, Catherine.

No pictures. No pictures. No pictures.

Well, I'm just gonna walk into the TV.

- You are? - Yeah.

- That's magic. - I know.

I feel completely insane, but I look literally stunning.

- That's five. - Yes. Thank you, Knock.

Thank you, Five.

Thank you...

Hello, New York City.

Welcome to Joe's Pub.

Please give a thunderous, warm welcome to Catherine Cohen.

Seriously.

Stop. I'm shy.

Oh, my God.

I have an amazing voice.

Wow.

Look at me doing comedy in a rhinestone romper.

Against all odds.

Bet you're wondering how I got here.

Well, baby, I'll tell you.

Hey!

Whoo!

"Gimme my hat back."

I don't have one.

I don't have a car. Lunge out.

Seriously, please.

White boot.

Hit my clit.

Yeah. Bridge.

Help! Spin. Okay.

Give it up.

Seriously, please.

Hair flip.

I'm unwell.

Big finish. Ready? Hey.

Give it up for Henry Koperski on the keys.

So, welcome to heaven. This my show.

You look at me, you think, "Okay. She has it all."

And it's true.

I do. Ooh.

I'm young. Oh.

I'm gorgeous. Ooh.

But, just this morning, I had one sip of cold brew

and ruined my only butthole.

Stars, they're just like us.

I am so happy to be doing this in New York City.

Mmm!

New York City, where I, for lack of a better term,

do actually "live."

The other day, I was dry-swallowing my birth control pill

as I Citi Biked up the Williamsburg Bridge

and I was like, "Oh, my God. I guess I am the voice of my generation."

And it's exhausting, but someone has to do it.

I'm sorry...

Oh, I'm sorry. I literally can't stop creating content.

If this gets too tall, I will try to fuck it.

So we have to...

She has a type.

I recently quit my job because I couldn't wake up and go there.

Does that resonate with anyone?

Yeah.

So, now I've been doing a lot of lying on my bed,

just kind of waiting for the retweet,

that'll turn it all around.

Social media is perfect,

'cause you can watch people you barely know

sort of unravel in real time.

Which I absolutely foot pop j'adore.

No, jealousy is cool,

'cause it's like swallowing a house that you just set on fire.

Not to be this bitch, but a pandemic, colon?

Not what I had in mind.

So ran... Literally, so random.

I was like, "I did not know this was an option."

I was way more concerned with things just falling on my head.

There's a lot of stuff that's up.

And here I am beneath.

But a pandemic is what we ultimately got.

Which was rock and roll, normal and cool.

The last year was absolutely exquisite.

I gained a lot of weight over the last year,

which isn't good or bad.

It isn't good or bad. Not... It isn't good or bad.

So, it isn't good or bad to gain weight because isn't good or bad.

And can you tell I had therapy two times this week?

Yes.

Oh, my God. A standing ovation so early in the show.

I did not see that coming.

Um, but it's cool.

One perk of gaining weight is that, obviously, my tits got huge.

If you didn't notice, it's because you hate women.

My tits got big enough that I can now,

like all the great poets who came before me,

titty fuck my boyfriend.

Thank you. Thank you.

No, no. And that's not why I do it.

I don't like being the girl who's like, "My boyfriend, my boyfriend,"

I feel like girls who are like, "My boyfriend, my boyfriend,"

are the same kind of girls who are like,

"There is actually too much sugar in fruit."

"So, for me, it's a dessert."

And then their mouth goes all the way around their face.

But I can officially titty fuck my...

Don't you sometimes wish there were different words for things?

But now my tits are big enough

that I can wrap 'em 'round my boyfriend's cock.

Did you think...

Be honest. Did you think you'd hear "cock" this early in the show?

Cock is such a porny word.

I famously love porn,

if my boyfriend tells me the girl looks like me.

Otherwise, it is bad for women.

And that's just where I stand on that issue.

So, I was, for the last time, titty fucking my boyfriend.

Humble brag. And...

when he came...

Yeah.

Could hear a freaking pin drop.

When he came,

he made a sound I've never heard before.

And I was like, " Okay. I'm a sex goddess."

I turn to him, I say...

"How was that for you?"

And he goes, "It was actually almost painful."

Um, feminist win much?

Yes. I'm doing the work.

Oh, there's such a good energy in here. I...

You're family.

I love. I love.

What a summer.

It's been a time.

I hate the summer.

All I've ever done in a bikini is sob.

But one thing I love about summer,

I have to say, is those hot, hot summer anthems.

So, if the DJ could just drop that track real quick, that'd be sick.

I'm really more of a dancer than a comedian.

Dancer first, choreographer second, model third, comedian fourth.

Shh. Let me do my thing.

Yes!