The Hard Times of RJ Berger

Previously on "The Hard Times of R.J Berger".

Cousin Vinnie is here to help us move.

You wanna date this girl?

- More than anything. - You'll only need one weapon.

Confidence.

- You and me, dinner? - I'd love to.

I guess I'm just really nervous.

That's why I like you, R.J you're never afraid to tell the truth.

Holy crap. This is really happening.

Yeap.

Is something wrong?

No...No, no, nothing.

Wow, they really lock these things in, huh.

Just pull it over her head.

Mom! You got to pull those little muffins

out of the oven, while they are still warm.

These walls sure are thin, huh.

Don't pay attention.

You got it? Can you see them?

Oh I bet they are fantastic.

Let me know when you get to the bottoms, I'll talk you through it, it can be tricky.

Mom!

- Mom! - Oh, my God.

My name is R.J. Berger and I need a new make out spot.

Whoa, what's with you?

The universe keeps blue balling me.

That's what.

- I keep getting this close and... - The Universe says, "No R.J...."

"You must wait. Wait for tonight.

"For on this night you shall surely bone."

What would make tonight any different?

Dude, the sophomore lock-in night.

So?

So, lock-in night is like a school sponsored orgy.

Scorgy, everyone in class gets to rub gut.

Even complete trolls.

Miles, this is another one of your stupid theories,

there's no way people are going to do it at school.

Oh!

Okay... nice!

Pick a jean

now.

Where is my sexy key master?

Right here, here I am!

Come and get it, baby.

Another one of my stupid theories, huh?

Just like when I warned you what would happen if you entered the dragon.

Why do I feel she can hear every word we are saying?

Because she is pure evil, bro.

Forget her, you moved on.

Maybe you're right.

Maybe tonight is the night.

Dude, if it does happen, just promise me a detailed

description of the merchandise.

You know, hardwood floors or carpet.

Curtains or pouty face.

Come on R.J.

Come to paradise.

Mmmh!

R.J. Berger!

R.J. Berger!

Ok, ok, I get it.

Due that reminds me, you have to bring a dessert to get in.

You see. Even the rules are awesome.

Tasty treats locked in with girls and desserts?

Scorgy!

So I was thinking we would just sneak off tonight after

the coach calls lights out and find the place we both pictured.

Oh, R.J., I can't.

I'm so sorry.

No, I totally understand if you wouldn't want to do it.

R.J., not that.

I do want to, I really, really want to.

It's just... My parents won't let me go.

But it's a school event.

I know, somebody called them and said how it's basically a

school sponsored orgy.

Scorgy.

What?

Anyways.

I really really want to but it just can't be tonight unless it's a

miracle and my dad changes his mind which will never happen.

Don't worry about your dad.

What?

I got this.

Jennifer's not allowed out tonight, if you hadn't heard.

But sir please, we are all just counting on her.

Excuse me?

Well, we are supposed to role play together tonight.

I knew it, this whole lock-in non-sense is just a thinly veiled excuse for a scorgy.

Oh, oh... what?

It's a compound word, Berger.

Using the words school and orgy.

Orgy?

Oh my God,

that's disgusting, Jennifer what is your father talking about?

I don't know someone told him this crazy story and it is gross.

I mean I just don't know who he's gonna play my Princess Pigginton

in our Scalborg campaign.

Princess Pigginton?

Yeah she rolls a plus twelve against all evil.

She is the magical keeper of the...

Stop, stop this.... Stop, shut up with that.

All right, obviously there's some sort of misunderstanding here.

I told you daddy, it's not at all like that.

All right, sweetie.

All right, you can go.

But you listen to me, son.

Swear to me that you will not take advantage of my daughter tonight.

It is my sworn duty as a knight to defend all maidens

against evil and chaotic beasts from...

Stop stop stop, just shut up with that.

- Thank you, daddy. - Good night, sir.

You are a genius!

I can we're in for something special tonight.

Hi, listen up, super freaks.

The only reason a chaperon this sad ass circus is to eat your mama's cookies

while I watch the fight on my office TV.

Ain't got no cable at home.

Ground rules are: stay in the gym,

don't leave the gym,

and stay the hell in the gym at all times.

Oh yeah and stay the hell out of my office!

This is gonna be the craziest night of our lives.

Dude, can you believe it?

You can practically feel the beaver mist in the air.

There's no way I'm not getting laid tonight.

What are those?

Oh I stole this giant stash of biscotti's from my brother Jeff.

Chett doesn't strike me as a biscotti guy.

Oh he's crazy about 'em.

He imports them from his old war buddies

I should eat like a thousand of 'em.

So, where are we setting up at?

Oh, um... actually, Miles, R.J and I are gonna

try and find our own place with a little more privacy.

Thank you.

Way to go, bro, I'm proud of you.

I can't believe that blonde bitch made it.

Yeah, isn't it awesome.

Wait?

Why wouldn't you?

No reason.

I got to go take a major dump.

Do you want to wipe my ass fatty?

Hell no, I think I would rather be a human centipede between Bismarcky and Justin

Bieber, thanks.