Two and a Half Men

I'm determined to find someone who wants to be with me

for whoI am, not what I have.

- You can be whoever you want. - Hmm.

- I can help you out with that. - Sam Wilson.

Maybe you could crash here.

It's great that you're working on your computer stuff

but we need helpnow.

I get it. Say no more.

I'll start looking for a job.

Your job's a way to get by till you get

your big break as a designer.

What if it never happens?

I want to invest in your line of clothing.

Really?

Pack your bags for New York

because I am gonna write you a check for $50,000.

The stress of living a lie

is causing you to just fall apart.

You're binge-eating.

- I'll miss you. - I love you, Sam.

Hello. Walden?

- Why is it so dark in here? - Alan, no!

Walden!

What's happened to you?

What do you mean?

Uh, okay, I-I don't know how to say this

umm, but you're either wearing a child's shirt

or carrying a child.

Both options raise concerns.

Hey, I will not apologize for enjoying

the art of fine cuisine.

Says the guy who has barbecue sauce all over his back.

Oh, like I'm the first guy to fall asleep on a McRib.

What are you doing here, Alan?

I'm worried about you.

I haven't seen you in three weeks.

Kate's still in New York.

Why are you still in her apartment?

I like it here. It's comfortable.

Besides, the beach house smells like you.

This place smells like Kate.

I'll take "Things a serial killer would say" for $200.

Do you wanna be my next victim?

Come on, Walden, look at you.

You're-you're a disgusting blob.

Can you even see your penis past that gut?

What? My penis is like Santa Claus.

I don't need to see it I just need to believe in it.

You know what I believe

living a double life is killing you.

You don't know what you're talking about.

- So why don't you just go away? - You don't think you need help?

- I know I don't need help. - Fine, then I'll leave.

Hey, Alan?

Yeah!

I need help.

Oh, buddy, it's-it's gonna be okay.

No, it's not gonna be okay.

I'm out of control!

I'm lying to the woman I love!

The only thing I do more than lie

is eat raw cookie dough.

And I think I have salmonella.

Don't worry.

Alan's here now.

We're gonna get you..

...hosed down and..

...back in shape and-and feeling like your old self again.

- You think so? - Oh, absolutely.

And-And after we do

you're gonna call up Kate and tell her the truth.

What? No, I can't.

- You have to. - Why?

Because the truth will set you free, and you know it.

Okay. Maybe you're right.

There you go.

Plus, it'd be nice to lose the gut and see my penis again.

And I'm sure he'd like to see you, too.

Getting you back in shape

is not gonna be easy.

It's gonna be a long haul.

It'll take exercise, diet and discipline.

Don't make such a big deal about this. I look fine.

Aw, look who's got a little belly.

Let's do this thing.

Oh, that was easy.

- Hey, you. - Hi, babe.

How's the prep for the show going?

Oh, my God.

Everybody here is pretentious, bitchy and high.

I love New York!

Are you sure you're not Skyping from heaven?

Because you appear to be surrounded by half-naked angels.

Oh, yeah, that's Britte and Inga.

I guess they're done throwing up their lunch.

Well, I've got great news.

I'll be there tomorrow.

You do realize they'll be dressed by then.

No,I'm coming to seeyou.

But if the models are still there and we wind up

getting in a pillow fight in our hotel bed, then so be it.

Are you really coming?

Yeah, and..

...I gotta big surprise for you.

Oh.. Wait, hang on a sec.

How can you afford a plane ticket?

Well, Alan is flying me on his jet.

Oh! Alan's coming, too.

Yay.

Don't worry about him.

I'll see you tomorrow, okay? Oh, and do me a favor.

Before I get there, make sure those models have clothes on.

How do you feel about naughty school girl outfits?

I find them degrading.

And perfect.

- I love you, Sam. - I love you.

So did you tell her?

No.

I wanna tell her in person.

'So pack your bags.'

We're going to New York.

Me? Why am I going?

This is really scary for me, Alan.

I need the support of my friend.

Well, you got it.

- Thank you. - Uh, uh, Walden--

Yes, I'll cover your expenses.

- Great. Umm-- - Yes, I'll give you per diem.

If he ever gets a real friend, I'm screwed.

You know what we should do in New York? Go see a musical.

Yeah, maybe.

If I put my life back together.

Of course.

So what are you thinking, Jersey Boys?

I don't really have a preference.

Can't go wrong with Wicked.

Sure.

Then again, Mamma Mia.

I can never see that show enough.

I own the movie on Blu-ray.

Two words. Delightful romp.

You do realize the whole point of this trip is to

tell the woman I love that I'm actually someone else?

Oh, I get it.

If that story was on Broadway, I'd see it in a heartbeat.

Walden Schmidt in Les Mis-Representation

of Who he Is.

- Thanks for the support. - Oh,comeon.

Lighten up. Everything's gonna be fine.

I hope she doesn't like Sam more than she likes Walden.

Why would she?

Well, a lot of reasons. One, Sam's better in bed.

- What? - He tries harder.

He has to compensate for all the other things he doesn't have.

He's banging scared.

If that's true, I'd be the best lay on the planet.

I just don't wanna lose her.

Oh, you won't.

But it's fun to lose yourself in the magic of Broadway.

- Alan. - Fine.

Well, it's too bad you're in a relationship.

Kate's show will be packed with half-naked supermodels.

S-Supermodels?

- Yeah. - Wow.

Excuse me a second. I'm-I'm gonna make a call.

My girl.

- Hey, Lyndsey. - Hey, what's up?

'I'm on Walden's jet.'

I'm flying to New York City.

'For what?'

A fashion show, maybe take in a musical.

Ah! Guys' weekend.

Yes, exactly.

Um, so anyhow, I just wanted to..

...make sure you still love me.

Of course I do. Why would you even ask?

Well, you know, I'm on a plane.

You know, anything can happen at any time.

Don't worry, Alan. I love you.

'And we're gonna be together forever.'

O-Okay, sweetie. I love you, too. Bye-bye.

Son of a bitch.

Oh, my! Oh, my!

Oh, oh, gee, so, so tall, so

so very tall, oh, oh

that-that, that's an 11.

And and now we've got a-a 12.

Oh, God, can you believe this?

All these beautiful women, and I'm off the market.

Yeah! 'cause that's what models are looking for

a middle-aged, twice divorced, broke-ass guy

who lives in a guest room with a dehumidifier

and my old tax returns.

Ooh, I make enough money to pay taxes.

Rub my nose in it.

I'm just nervous, I don't know if I can do this.

I feel like I'm gonna puke.

This is the place for it.

Grab a feather and get in line.

'Sam!'