Parental Guidance

This is Artie Decker, De Voice of the Fresno Grizzlies...

and we've got a good one, my friends.

Top of the ninth here at Chukchansi Park, and a beautiful night.

We can actually feel that fall is finally on its way.

It's a rather crisp 107 degrees, but dry.

We've got 15,000 sweaty and bloated people all pumped up on Churros...

rooting on our Fresno Grizzlies.

And Brad, this is why I love announcing Minor League Baseball...

because I get to say names like "River Cats..."

or the "Rancho Cucamonga Quakes."

I don't have to ever say boring names

like "Tigers," or "Red Sox," or "Cubs."

Okay, we got a little break in the action...

as they're having a little meeting on the mound.

Artie, do you know what time it is?

I sure do, Brad. It's time for Artie's Kiss Cam!

Thank you, Gwen.

Let's see what kind of young lovers

we got at the ballpark tonight.

All right, there's a kiss.

Well, you know one thing when you see

a kiss like that, they're married.

Wait, wait, we've got a proposal.

"Will you marry me, Clara? Love, Nate."

There's our young Romeo now. And whoa! He has scored!

Brad, that is what you young people would call a "hottie."

He's got Britney Spears and he's about to give her the ring...

and he goes the other way!

I can't believe what I am seeing...

and I'm sure she's got a great "personality," but, oh my.

I thought Jerry Garcia was dead.

What's he doing in the stands marrying him?

Here at Chukchansi Park, love is blind, and apparently so is Nate.

All right, let's get back to the action

as the meeting breaks up on the mound.

Here's the situation. First and third, two outs.

And here's the pitch.

Swing and a miss. Diaz fires down to third.

They've picked him off third!

- You're out! - Ballgame over!

I'll tell you, Myers is getting an earful...

and as my mom used to say, "There's no cure for dumb."

Gwen! We won.

And that closes out the last game of the season.

The Grizzlies take the Sacramento River Cats...

by a score of three to one.

We'll be right back with a happy recap.

That is a bad way to end a game.

Artie. Mr. Decker.

I want to say thank you for what has been an awesome semester.

I mean, you taught me a lot, and... I got you this.

What did you do, Brad?

It's got all the famous calls you told me about.

Harwell, "Red" Barber, Scully, Russ Hodges.

You know, that's really great, Brad. Thank you so much.

Well, as the great Yogi Berra once said,

"It ain't over till it's over."

Well, this Fresno Grizzlies season is over.

I'm Artie Decker, De Voice of the Fresno Grizzlies.

So, on behalf of Brad Zolick and the late Gwen Foster on the organ...

good night everybody, thanks for listening and lights out, Alice.

I love this job.

I'm fired?

I'm sorry, Artie. I'm changing everything.

New logos, new uniforms, new music.

All the deadwood is floating to the sawmill.

I'm deadwood?

You're old school. You reminisce and you tell stories.

All our sponsors are for hearing aids,

beds that go up and down, and scooters.

Not the cool kind, the sad kind.

We need someone who's wired in.

To what?

Facebook.

- How many friends do you have? - I don't have any friends.

- Have you made any posts? - No.

- What was your last update? - My what?

- Have you poked anybody? - I haven't poked anybody!

- Has anybody poked you? - No.

The thing is Artie, even if you were connected...

I don't know that I'd want to be poked by you.

- How many apps do you have? - I don't have any apps.

- You don't have any apps? - No.

- Everyone has apps. - I don't have an app.

- Do you play Angry Birds? - Angry Birds?

Who's your favorite Angry Bird?

I don't have a favorite Angry Bird!

Everyone has a favorite Angry Bird.

I don't have a favorite Angry Bird!

Hashtag.

When was the last time you hashtagged?

Are you out of your mind? What the heck are you talking about?

We need announcers that tweet.

I'll tweet. I'll make whatever noise you want.

Sorry, Artie, my mind's made up.

Feel the burn, everyone.

And one, two, three, four.

Okay, okay.

How are we doing, Diane?

Oh, my sciatica.

My other sciatica.

Ten minutes to cheesecake, ladies.

There we go. Good job.

Hi, Artie.

Hi, ladies.

Caught the end of the game.

"No cure for dumb." Funny.

- Yeah. - Funny.

Don't fall, hon.

I got it.

All right, everybody, pull your core in.

I don't have a core.

Work those abs.

You know, Artie, this could turn out to be a good thing.

It could give us more "us" time.

You mean me wearing a captain's hat following you around Costco?

You don't want to retire? Fine.

You were offered a job teaching broadcasting at Fresno State.

You could teach young people.

I could, but why should they know what I know?

Ever the nurturer.

I don't want to teach, I want to do. I still have the dream.

The Giants?

Yeah, the Giants. I've been chasing this job for 35 years.

You give up your dream, you give up.

I'm not quitting.

I feel 10 years younger than I am,

and I look 10 years younger than that.

So basically, you're asking a 38-year-old to retire.

You're 38? Paint the house.

Artie, to me, you're the best announcer in the whole world.

You should be broadcasting for the Giants.

But after all these years, honey...

something tells me they don't have you on speed dial.

Mmm.

- It'll be okay. - I'm sorry.

R-life awake.

Garage activated. Vehicle charging.

Solar panels activated.

Good morning, Harper, Turner and Barker.

Waffles ready.

Coffee ready.

Time for breakfast.

But-but, Mom.

Honey, hold on one second. Uh-huh.

Well, I can have that up for you in about three hours.

Yeah, one hour, that's what I meant. Sure, I can hold on.

Stupid!

- What's the matter, honey? - I missed a note.

Come and have breakfast. You're going to get it.

You know that you always do.

Yeah, I'm right here.

Right. And when would that be?

That's so soon. You got to be kidding me.

Dad! Dad.

I'm the soysages, Turner gets the Wheatie-O's.

Okay. Hey, babe, can you take over here?

- I'm on a call. - I'm on a call.

Thank you.

But-but M-Mom! Th-The other k-kids are gonna w-watch them.

Honey, I don't think you'd really enjoy the Saw movies.

Remember when we went to see Avatar...

and you spent the last two hours

with your head inside my purse?

I... I... I was... I looking for the gum.

I'm right here.

I can't believe it. My computer just crashed.

I'll have to call you right back.

Barker, can we discuss some of the many other possibilities...

for today's wardrobe, including some involving pants?

Honey, can I talk to you outside for a second?

Sure. I have nothing but time.

D... Dad? C... Can I watch the Saw movies?

Sure.

Yeah!

Wait. That's way inappropriate.

Aw!

What's up?

Oh.

That was nice. Like a little mini date.

Crazy year, right?

I mean, the whole thing. Moving to Atlanta for my job.

Yeah, it's had its challenges.

Well, guess what. That was my boss on the phone...

and the R-life has been nominated

for "Best New Product of the Year."

Oh!

That's fantastic!

I know! They're flying us both next week.

Five days of lectures and networking and love.

Oh. Saturday is Harper's audition.

Yeah, but it's at night.

We'll fly back early. We'll make it.

Also, Turner has speech therapy.

I have to buy Harper a dress for the audition.

We're supposed to take the kids to the symphony...

Honey, we haven't had a vacation since Barker was born.

- That's five years. - Mmm-hmm.

This conversation is the longest we've been alone in months.

So, great. I'll call my parents, they'll fly down.