Package Deal

Hey, Danny. Ryan a... Hello!

Oh, hey.

I didn't realize we'd be interrupting

a romantic evening.

Aren't you gonna introduce us

to your little balloon friend?

Actually, I'm recreating the McKenzie murder scene.

I'm trying to prove it wouldn't have been impossible

from this angle.

I think those breasts might have been fake.

Yeah.

What are you guys doing here?

The karaoke competition is in less than two weeks.

We haven't even rehearsed once!

We can't just hop up on stage and sing anything, man!

It's karaoke.

I've been swamped with work.

Please!

You're swamped with Kim.

And just remember, bro,

no matter how sexy she is now,

eventually, that new-car smell wears off.

Or even worse,

a tall handsome man might steal your car,

after you put it through med school,

leaving you divorced,

with nothing to drive on a cold, lonely night.

Hey! Why don't you get your own analogy?

We're talking about Kim here, not your ex-wife.

Yeah, I thought

we were talking about karaoke.

We are!

And we have stiff competition this year.

Dick gombert,

the 85-year-old Tony Bennett wanna-be

got a pacemaker put in, and he's gunning for us.

Very slowly gunning for us.

We haven't even picked a song yet.

Now, I'm thinking anything by Adele.

I don't know who that is and it sounds gay.

I'm thinkin' queen.

Let me guess, you get to be Freddie Mercury?

No, I'm gonna be Brian may. Have we met?

Freddie Mercury wore suspenders with no shirt.

No one wants to eat a platter of wings

while looking at your nipples.

Yeah. Especially the third one.

It looks like it's winking.

That's my belly-button. I don't know how it got up here.

Look, guys, I would love to rehearse,

but Kim's coming over.

Well, no, look.

We all have to make sacrifices here,

Danny, okay?

I'm willing to reschedule my date.

You're going on a date?

Not yet.

What I meant to say was,

I joined an online speed-dating site.

Online speed-dating? Huh.

So now you can get rejected from the comfort of your own home?

Look, I had no choice.

My shrink gave me an ultimatum...

either start dating, or find a new doctor.

Get this... he thinks I'm hung up on Alison.

Oh, that's ridiculous.

Poppycock!

I know, right?

Anyway, this has nothing to do with Alison.

It's about getting a photo on Facebook

with a really hot girl...

That Alison can see.

You know what, Danny? Forget about it, okay?

Ryan and I have been working on

this Sonny-and-Cher thing anyhow.

I'm not gonna be Cher!

Whoa...

Are you saying I'm out of the fake band?

I'm saying...

You're not taking our fake band seriously enough.

How can you say that?

No one is more dedicated to this than...

Oh! Hey, honey. Yeah, I'll buzz you in.

All right, tell you what, we'll rehearse tonight.

Kim was just coming over to watch a movie anyway.

I'm sure she'll understand.

It's official.

I hate everyone.

Tell her. Tell her.

Uh-uh.

So what happened?

My best friend, Linda, dumped me.

Out of the blue?

More or less.

I was helping her shop for this dress...

I'm riveted.

Anyway... She picks out

this red-striped, skin-tight dress.

You know Linda, she's... Huge.

And she turns around

and she asks me if it makes her ass look fat.

Oh, crap.

You didn't!

That's hilarious.

Well, what was I supposed to say?

You could've just said it wasn't her colour.

Oh! I never thought of that.

Or it was last season, or a knock-off,

or the stitching looked cheap.

I'm just saying.

You know I can't lie.

You know what I do

when I have a day like that?

I like to go home,

have a nice, long hot bath,

and let us rehearse.

What are you talking about?

Ahem. We're competing in a karaoke competition.

Oh, you're serious?

You know, whatever. You guys go rehearse.

I don't want to do anything tonight.

Are you sure, honey?

You guys have fun.

You see? I told you she was understanding.

- Now let's go rehearse. - Yeah.

We'll see you later, then?

Yeah, I'll call you tomorrow.

Okay, one more time before court.

Let's go over your testimony.

Relax! I'm just gonna be telling the truth

exactly the way I memorized it.

Hey, Mac. Looking good.

You, uh, you been working out?

Yeah!

I've been training with a gang-banger.

I help him with his portfolio.

You know, for a man who cheated the Colombians

out of a million dollars in cocaine,

he's surprisingly risk-averse.

What are you doing here, Sheldon?

Well, somebody cancelled another rehearsal,

and we still haven't nailed down a song.

Now?

In case you haven't noticed, I'm working.

Yeah, and when you're not working,

you're busy being Kim's fat-ass girlfriend.

No, I'm not.

Okay.

Did you or did you not

take a hot, steamy bubble-bath last night?

Yeah...

But that was Kim and me. So, you know.

So you had sex, then?

We were too tired from talking.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,

I rest my case.

He's a woman!

He's good.

Sit down.

Listen, Danny.

You gotta grow a sack, man.

A great, big hairy sack, just like the kind

that dangles from the throat of a moose.

Now, I need a little commitment here.

Even Ryan moved around his speed-dating for this.

Ryan's dating again?

- Yeah. - Oh, good for him.

I always got right back on the horse

after each one of my wives mysteriously died.

You know what?

I'm not leaving until we pick out a song.

I don't think you understand.

I am trying to save a man's life here!

And it's really not looking very good.

I don't think you understand! I got...

I got a lot of money riding on this, okay?

Who bets on karaoke?

I got a local bookie who covers everything...

student elections, reality shows, haircuts.

I lost a lot of money on pee-wee basketball.

You don't think

I would rather be hanging out with you guys

than going to another farmers' market with Kim?

Great, a $12 apple. Yay!

Don't listen to me,

I'm just the allegedly-insane alleged wife-killer,

but, um... Find Kim a new best friend.

Wait a minute...

You know how Ryan's speed-dating

to find a new girlfriend?

What about speed... friending?

What, get a bunch of women together

and let Kim take her pick?

It's like a farmers' market for chicks.

Well, we would be... Helping, right?

And if she did find a new friend,

I'd finally have time to rehearse.

Well, let me know if she's cute.

I could use a new wife.

All I know is, I'm glad the marriage is over.