It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

No.

Man Seeking Woman. All new, Wednesdays at 10:30.

On FXX.

FXX presents It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

Okay, gather round, everybody, gather round.

Gather round, please.

Yeah, I-I have a, uh, a presentation.

Now, because of everyone's A.D.D., I know I'm gonna

lose your attention in about three minutes,

and, uh, Frank's gonna fall asleep. No way.

I slept 26 hours last night.

You still seem very sleepy. Can I start my presentation?

Where's the easel? No, no, I'm not using an easel... don't interrupt.

You want me to go get the projector? No, I don't want the projector.

And I don't want the easel. What are you gonna point with?

Don't want whatever the hell you're gonna say.

'Cause it's all gonna be old and outdated, all right?

Let me start my presentation, which is actually about that.

It's about innovation.

Not taking questions. Goddamn.

Let me do my thing, okay? Stop interrupting.

Okay, so, um, as we all know, um, tomorrow is St. Paddy's Day,

traditionally our most profitable day.

However, recently, profits have been declining.

Every year. And we need to change.

We need innovation.

We need to move Paddy's from the past and into...

the future, a mobile Paddy wagon.

Now, these days, people like to have things on demand.

So instead of having to go to a bar,

we will bring the bar to you.

Ooh, is that, like, a car service type of thing?

Where we pick people up and take 'em around from bar to bar

and jack up the prices?

That's actually a really good idea. Uh, no.

The Paddy's wagon is the bar.

No, Dennis.

If we want to make money,

we need to honor ancient Irish traditions,

like serving an irresponsible amount of booze to people

who are genetically predisposed to having alcohol problems.

Right. You see,

St. Patrick started that tradition,

and that's why we celebrate him today.

Yeah... No, that's not what he did.

No, he-he played the flute for some kids,

and then he lured them into a cave somewhere,

and he diddled them. Nah.

You got him mixed up with the Pied Piper. Right.

St. Patrick didn't play the flute.

He drove the kids out of Ireland.

And then he molested 'em.

No, no, if-if St. Patrick molested kids,

he would be regarded as a scoundrel. No, no, no.

I feel like, in the olden days of the Catholic Church,

pedophiles were regarded as heroes.

All right, all right, look, g-guys, uh,

St. Patrick didn't do any of that shit, okay?

He drove the snakes out of Ireland.

Uh, I-I don't know about all this.

I kind of want to just do the traditional thing

of, like, sticking around the bar

and-and trying to catch the leprechaun. No, no!

No, we don't want to do the leprechaun thing again.

Stop, stop, guys... I'm gonna catch one.

I'm, like, this close. You're not gonna catch him

because he doesn't exist. Guys, please, just, plea...

Dude, you know what... I don't even know

if I've set up my glue traps for him yet.

Charlie, enough with the leprechaun!

I mean, can you believe him? Okay, wait.

Who cares? Look, I'm trying to... You know what,

actually... I might want to get myself a flute.

I was thinking the same thing. We've been talking... you were?

Yeah, because I-I feel like it's a really fun...

I know we're kind of old, but... You're gonna go get a flute?

Go get a flute, yeah. Go get... go get a flute!

Everybody go get a flute!

...in the sixth grade, I feel like it's kind of simple.

Frank, look...

All right, let me explain it to you, at least.

No, he's gone.

Okay.

So, Frank... here's the plan.

We're gonna fill the wagon with hip, attractive clientele.

We're gonna use my streamlined system to process drink orders.

We're gonna take photographs with a retro filter

for the Web site.

And that will entice future end users

to comment and spread brand awareness

over various social media platforms.

That seems insanely complicated.

Why don't we just take cash?

No, no, no, no. What I'm talking about's way simpler than cash.

It's-it's streamlined.

I'm lost. It's... I'm trying to explain it to you

and I feel like you're not even listening. I-I...

: Top o' the morning, you filthy lads.

I'm fixing to have a whale of a time in this here mobile pub.

I'm so sorry... what is this?

Crazy Paddy, you big, dumb arse.

Yeah. Why?

'Cause it's fun. No.

I thought that's the thing about St. Patrick's Day...

People want clownery and-and they want to embrace

the Irish stereotypes. No, no, no. This isn't innovative.

It's outdated and it's gonna offend people.

Well, I brought my piece in case anybody gets out of line. Oh, I...

Okay, Frank, Frank, look... no guns.

Let go. No guns, no costumes.

Okay, trust me, I got this.

Frank, you're gonna drive. Drive.

Okay, Dee, you're gonna serve drinks. In the back.

As a human being. A real one.

Mm. Guys,

I'm gonna provide...

the experience.

Ooh.

Okay, yeah. Yeah, right?

Yeah, I like this. Nice.

I... See, I told you. I know what I'm doing.

Come on, let's go.

Frank, you're driving.

Okay. Here we go.

Ho! Check it out, Mac, got some cool stuff.

I got some green paint and I found a snake.

Great. Why?

You know, the snakes, 'cause, like, we... I don't remember

where we landed on St. Paddy, but I remember snakes

were involved. And the green paint's for the, uh, beer.

Okay, love the snake. Great catch there.

But why not just use food coloring for the beer?

Uh, 'cause beer's not a food.

When was the last time you ate a beer?

When was the last time you drank paint?

Have you been drinking paint?

No.

Let me see your tongue.

Oh, my God, dude!

Oh, that shit's just disgusting! It's not bad.

You... you can't drink paint. I know. I hear you, I hear you.

You say that, but I don't think that you're gonna stop.

Yeah, I get it, though, man. It's, uh... Right.

I-I feel like you're saying you get it, but you don't get it.

It's cool. It's not cool.

It is what it is. Oh, my God,

this is so frustrating! Look,

I'm gonna go down to the basement

and I'm gonna check out my glue traps

and see if I, you know, got a leprechaun in there. Wait, no, no, no, no.

What... We said no leprechaun this year.

You're not chasing leprechauns.

I know, and I kind of forgot where we landed on that.

I got these great cookie sheets, they're filled with glue, so...

But I-I hear you, I hear you.

It's a frustrating thing. It's like the guy doesn't

listen to us, man, when we're trying to get through to him.

It's a bummer.

No, not you. Keep moving, let's go,

come on. You kidding me?

Oh, oh, h-hey-hey, there, fellas.

What's going on? Where you going? You know what?

Don't answer that. Because I already know.

You're going for a ride in the Paddy's Wagon.

Oh, cool. Is this, like, a car service thing?

Hey, can you take us to Center City?

No, it's not a goddamn car service. Why does everyone...

: You get in that wagon right now or I'm gonna

sock you a good one right in the kisser!

Yeah, you dumb bi...

What the hell are you doing? Uh, just innovating.

I took the Paddy's wig and I cut it

into an awesome beard. Great new character. No.

Hilarious. You've just created another

offensive Irish stereotype, Dee.

The Fighting Irish... I-it's true.

I mean, that's what Irish people do. That is not what...

They get drunk, they fight people.

All right, I'm trying to give these guys... Look, guys,

don't pay attention to her.

I-I want to give you an authentic, um, uh,

once-in-a-lifetime experience here.

Oh. Oh, wait, so is this, like, a bang bus?

No, no, no, no, no. It's not a bang bus, okay?

Look... Just get in the wagon,

I'll give you a ride to Center City.

Get in.

Gentlemen,

let me walk you through how our simple business works.

God, take it easy, Frank!

Don't tell me how to drive, you bitch.

Let... Let's keep it light for the customers, all right, Frank?

As I was saying, fellas, uh, what you're gonna

need to do is you, uh, you're gonna

take a picture of this QR code,

you're gonna download the app,

log in using Facebook, and you're gonna watch

a-a brief, 30-second advertisement.

And then once we receive your online order,

you will promptly be served a beer.