Pluribus

It's...

Uh... Yeah. This way.

Okay. Okay.

Here we are inside, uh, something called Agri-Jet.

It's a refrigerated warehouse in, uh, Albuquerque, New Mexico.

Jesus.

It's cold in here. Uh...

All right, let me show you around. I'll give you a sense of the place,

give you the grand tour.

It's-It's, uh... It's huge.

It's maybe hundred feet long.

I don't know what that is in meters, but it's massive.

And it is packed to the rafters

with lots and lots of...

shrink-wrapped...

items.

Yeah, so what's inside?

Well...

A picture's worth a thousand words, right?

So, I'm gonna let you see for yourself.

Okay.

Okay.

Do you see this?

Huh? Yeah.

It's...

That is not a Butterball turkey.

I'll tell you that much.

What are they doing with all this, huh?

Guess.

Fucking guess.

Because this whole place is filled

with human bodies.

It's parts of them!

It's pieces of them.

All vacuum sealed.

That is what this whole plant is being used for.

And it's been happening right under our noses.

I mean, they got out of this town in a hurry,

but I guarantee you, before that,

they were probably doing three shifts a day in here.

And what's behind that door, huh?

It is a meat grinder the size of a bus and vats,

cooking vats.

And wait until you see what's inside those.

Two million, four hundred thousand even.

All in.

All in.

Five million dollars.

The house record.

Are you sure?

Please reveal your cards.

A straight flush.

Mmm.

- A royal flush. - Ooh! Ooh.

The higher hand.

Hey, pal. Stay in character.

You may have won this time, Mr. Diabaté.

But your luck is about to run out.

Someday, perhaps...

...but not today.

For you, my lovely.

It's been an honor.

Oh.

Anyone else?

Come, my beauties.

Next time.

It's been a pleasure!

Mmm.

Mmm.

And you are?

- Joette. - Joette!

Come in, my dear.

We're terribly sorry, our love,

but we have to leave immediately.

What? Why?

You're going to have a visitor.

You can come with us, if you want.

I can't do that to her.

Sooner or later, we'll have to talk.

Is there no time for even a little...?

Joette?

Please be here. Please be here. Please be here.

Please be here. Please be here.

Penthouse.

Hello?

In here.

Just in time, Carol.

So, on their way out the door, they told you I was coming?

Mm-hmm.

- Why'd you stay? - To welcome you.

No, thanks.

I appreciate that.

I bet they didn't tell you why I was coming.

There's no way in hell they did.

You're gonna need something stronger than champagne

when you see what I brought.

Do you, uh...

...have a TV in this barn?

Impressive.

Okay.

What do you got? H... Uh... HDMI. All right.

Is this another one of your videos?

You've seen my videos?

Mm-hmm.

They actually sent you my videos?

Of course.

They were very well done.

Very dramatic.

Well, you could have...

Forget it.

When you see this one...

Let's just say...

It's disturbing.

And, uh, I hate to use a cliché,

but you might want to sit down. Seriously.

'Cause I am telling you what you are about to witness--

Is this about them eating people?

- What? - It is troubling.

Wait, how would you... How could you...

Allow me.

Hello, Carol. We're John Cena,

and we're here to address some questions you may be having

regarding our food supply.

As you know, we can't purposely kill, harm,

or otherwise interfere with any form of life.

That limits what we're able to consume.

Because when we say "any life," that includes plant life.

We can't harvest wheat or corn or rice.

We can't pluck an apple from a tree.

Once an apple drops of its own accord,

well, we'll eat it, of course, and gratefully.

Indeed, we harvest all the windfall we can find.

Plus, there are billions of domesticated animals,

cows, chief amongst them, that still require milking.

And there's preexisting food, millions of tons of it,

that was processed prior to our joining.

So far, so good, right?

Except for one small problem.

As of this taping, there are 7,348,292,411 of us.

That's a lot of mouths to feed.

We're facing a caloric deficit,

and to make up for it, we've had to take certain measures.

This is how we get our sustenance.

One half-pint of this shelf-stable liquid contains 300 calories.

Which means that based on a diet of 2,400 calories a day,

someone John Cena's size needs eight of these every 24 hours.

Larger individuals require more. Smaller ones, less.

What's in it?

Well, a lot of things.

It's manufactured across the globe,

so the recipe changes based on the local availability of ingredients.

Mostly, it's those stockpiled foodstuffs we spoke of,

particularly ones that are in danger of spoiling.

Additionally, each carton contains eight to 12%

of something we call HDP.

Human-derived protein.

And yep, that's pretty much what it sounds like.

Nearly 100,000 people pass away each day due to natural causes and accidents.

Those human remains, which would otherwise go to waste,

are our source of HDP.

We cherish the memory of these people and appreciate their sacrifice.

Given our druthers, would we choose to consume HDP?

No.

Throughout history, most cultures, though not all,

have taken a dim view of anthropophagy.

Honestly, we're not that keen on it ourselves.

But we're left with little choice.

Rest assured, Carol, you will never have to consume this product.

Not unless you want to, which we assume is unlikely.

We will never serve HDP to you in any form at any time.

We will continue to reserve only the freshest,

best windfall and stockpiled foods for you.

We hope that clears things up.

As always, your well-being is of the utmost importance to us.

Any comments, concerns, call any time, day or night, and leave a voicemail.

We regret not being able to speak to you directly,

but for the time being, we need our space.

So you knew all about this?

How... When...

For how long?

About a week ago, out of curiosity, I asked John Cena,

"Why do you people drink so much milk?"

We had been hanging out together.

He was teaching me the sunset flip powerbomb.

And what was your reaction?

Do-do you even have one?

As I said, it is troubling.

Very much so.

It probably helps that I've had time to think about it.

I must say John Cena makes a fairly reasonable case.

In French, he's even more convincing.

That is not John Cena.

Jesus Christ, why are you so...

How about the fact that in Spain they all said they were vegetarians?

Ah, yes, I asked John about that.

He reminded me that technically what they said was

that they would prefer to be vegetarian.

Oh, great, so all the fucking lawyers in the world survived.