Girls

Yes! Harder!

I am disgusting!

- I'm fucking disgusting! - No, no, no.

Don't do that, Marnie. Don't do that to yourself.

No, no, no.

I'm worse than my father.

I'm a fucking monster.

Hey, if you don't believe in your own goodness,

you can't expect anybody else to, you know?

Do you?

Do you believe in my goodness?

- You came? - Yeah.

I didn't come. I'm still hard.

Oh, okay. I'm sorry.

I don't feel... as though...

I'm going to.

I don't feel, either, that you are going to.

So, Marnie's been fucking Desi for a full two weeks.

Ray has no idea and thinks he's just in a regular in-love couple.

And Marnie says that Desi cries every time they say hello or goodbye to each other,

and now she and Desi are seriously considering trying anal.

He's not getting anything up Marnie's ass.

- The whole thing is just so intense. - For who?

By the way, me telling you this does not make me a bad secret-keeper.

Okay? You and I have a sacred bond,

like that of husband and wife,

where you can say anything in a sacred space.

I'm a great secret-keeper.

Well, A, no, you're not.

And, B, I would never, ever tell this secret.

- Yeah. - I've already forgotten it.

It's so boring and it has nothing to do with me,

- so why would I care? - Absolutely.

Oh, please remember to pack bug spray.

I don't want to have to put calamine lotion

on your tender bits again.

Already rubbed it in every crack.

- Good girl! - Full-scale adult.

Oh!

I just can't believe Marnie roped me into this.

You think I have time, with my burgeoning career,

to go to Poughkeepsie to support her, like, sick little tryst?

Ugh, yeah, 'cause nothing says,

"Let's get this romance back on track" like Poughkeepsie.

- ( groans ) - Just tell her you don't want to go.

I can't tell her I don't want to go.

I'm already a part of her lie.

Hey, you're a part of her lie whether you go or not.

Yeah, but how am I gonna look into the eye

of my friend Ray and say, "Oh, upstate was great,"

when really I was just in this apartment, eating Flamin' Hot Cheetos,

working on my article about Staten Island's last remaining sex cult.

Ugh, which I am so excited about.

I'm so proud of you really cracking that case.

Thank you. It's such a beautiful facility that they live in,

and all you have to do is sign over

everything you've ever owned.

What are you gonna do while I'm gone?

Actually, I have to hang out with Shoshanna tonight.

You're gonna hang out with Shoshanna alone?

I know, it's so strange,

but she called me and she was like,

"I have to go to this 'Women in Business' mixer

and I'm so terrified because I'm so socially awkward

and I seem like a crazy person,

and maybe I have an Adderall addiction

and you please have to help me and I'm so hungry.

And please help me. Please! Please!"

And I was like, "Stop talking!

Where'd you get this number?

I'll go with you if you shut up.

Let's make sure there's an open bar

and hopefully the woman who invented Spanx will be there

because I have a lot to thank her for."

Oh, come on.

- Hi! - ( car turns off )

Desi: Please, bella, join us.

Where the fuck do you even get a car like this?

I know, right?

My boy Alessio restores them.

Of course you have a boy named Alessio.

Desi: You know Alessio.

- Hi! - Hi.

- ( engine starts ) - ( music resumes )

- All right! - Whoo!

Road trips and skinny-dips!

America!

- Three, two, one... - Okay, you don't...

- go. - Hi, Grandma!

- Hi, Grandma! - Hi!

Happy birthday!

Ninety-seven... That is a... big one,

and, um, you really did it.

You're still under 100 pounds, so... kudos!

And I... I hope there's no elder abuse at the, um...

At the home that you're in,

and I hope that you're using protection

for the sex.

Anyway, we miss you. I love you.

We love you!

Um, and bye!

Happy birthday!

That was great! That was good.

Um, I don't think I'm going to send that.

That was, um,

super depressing and totally inappropriate.

Yeah, actually, speaking of which,

I need to go.

It's my first week at a new job

and this wasn't a super convenient time for me, so.

Right! Oh, yeah, your job.

Your... you work in a market, right?

Marketing. I work in marketing.

- That's what I said. - So different.

I'm a junior associate at Silver Horn, New York's hippest branding agency.

- Mm. - So, I have a real schedule now.

So I'm happy to share my Google Cal with you

if you want to make actual plans.

And what are you doing?

Tonight? Um, yeah, I... I have plans.

Oh.

With... with Elijah. I have plans...

We're just... We're going to a thing.

Okay, what kind of a thing?

Um, just a thing.

It's just a thing

for, uh, professional women.

Um, it's a networking thingy,

and it's totally not your crowd.

You would really, um, hate it.

Not my crowd?

Mm-hmm.

Professional women are my exact crowd.

Just tell me the address

and whether I should wear shoulder pads or not.

It feels so great to be on the town with my girls.

I'm not your girl, okay?

Okay, with my women.

With my women. I stand corrected.

Hannah, if you were gonna be such a bitch, why did you even come?

Oh, I don't know, 'cause I was trying to protect you

and your house of lies, you fucking morons.

Fuck! God damn it!

Woman: Oh, just leave it.

Just leave it. It's fine.

I need to reorganize that anyway.

Just kick 'em aside. It's fine.

I'll get to it later.

Wow.

I have never felt such an intense need

to just, like, Instagram a stranger.

I get that a lot.

You know, no one's expecting all of this

in all of this.

No, they don't.

Look, I'm gonna be in the back if you have any questions.

Look around and explore.

I do have one question,

which is why are you not, like, a model in Dubai?

You could be making, like, $10 million a year.

Well, do you want the short version

or the hero's journey?

I think the short version. The short version's fine.

Well, I was working in the city,

- in fashion... - Mm-hmm.

Living in a matchbook-sized flat in Queens.

I feel you.

I had blinding migraines three times a week.

I couldn't even afford new undergarments.

Finally, one day, I fainted.

Fell right onto the tracks.

Unconscious, possibly dead.

When I woke up...

Chris Noth fished me out.

Like "Law & Order" 's own Chris Noth?

Hmm!

I hit the third rail.

I'm the first person to survive the third rail.

- Isn't that crazy? - The third rail?

- That's, like, a lot of volts. - Yeah.

But I totally believe you. I'm just...

No, it's... it's... It's real.

So, I was like, "Thank you, Chris Noth,

for fishing me out and saving my life.

I'm getting the fuck out of here forever."

The end. That's my story.

And you live here now?

Mm-hmm.

Are you happier, or...?

How could I not be?

I'm living my truth.

Right?

How much is that tea set in the window?

It's so beautiful.

Mm. For you?

Free.

What?

Thanks to my accident,

I'm quite the psychic,

and I can tell when a woman needs a new tea set.