Dead Mary

What?

What took so long?

-I'm sorry? -It wasn't that far back.

Yeah? Well, I had to look around a bit.

-What for? -Nobody was there.

-What do you mean, nobody was there? -I don't know. Just like I said.

So, you just filled them up and took off?

I left money on the counter.

Qkay.

Hey.

It must be back at my place.

Well, I guess I won't be seeing that again.

Son of a bitch.

-Give it up. -Hey, they're making them smaller, I swear.

-Making what smaller? -His balls.

-What? -Yeah.

-I'm serious. -Since when do you golf?

I'll have you know, it is a very good tension-reliever.

Be careful with them. Those belong to Ted's uncle, I think.

What am I gonna do, bend the shafts?

Four-letter word for ''exclude.'' Second letter is ''M.''

-What are you doing with those? -Qh, the fridge is full.

''Qmit.''

Qkay, baby, this is the one.

Qh! Damn it!

-Shoot. Locked. -Qh, man. Teddy, there's no key.

-Look over the door. -It's not up here.

It used to be up there.

-And it's... -Try it again. Qh.

-Throw the beers in the lake? -Yeah, okay.

-Bryce? -Hey, Lily.

Hey.

Bryce?

-Yeah? -Can I talk to you for a minute?

-Sure, babe. -Inside?

Yeah, I'll be right in.

Well?

I don't know.

-Well? -What?

-What are we gonna tell them? -Tell them whatever you want.

-Well, what are you going to tell them? -As little as possible.

-Hey, guys. -Qh, hey!

-Hey, you. -Hey.

So, have you heard from Ted?

-He's not here? -No. Shocking, isn't it?

-You the first one up again? -You know me.

Well, come on, lovely. Let's get this weekend started.

-Qh, Kim? -What?

You want to take your bags up with you?

-Well, can't you take them all in? -Well, it'd be easier if you took yours.

What's the matter? Don't want to break a nail?

No, I just gotta take the gas can down to the boat.

Darling, they sold that boat.

Well, whatever. Look, you don't have to.

It's fine.

Geez, give me one, too, why don't you?

Thanks, Evie.

I was joking.

I mean, you know you personally have fucked the whole weekend, right?

-What do you mean? -You know what he means.

No, no, no, please, enlighten me here. Tell me.

No. No. Whatever. Whatever.

I mean, like, you couldn't have... You know what?

You couldn't have waited?

-You couldn't wait to break up with her. -What was I supposed to be waiting for?

Fucking Monday?

Qh, and I'm fine, by the way, guys. Thanks for asking.

So, what? So, what?

So, we're supposed to actually just, like, walk around on eggshells

while you two are all, like, tense with each other?

-Again. -Again?

-Again. -Yeah, again.

-New Year's Eve, three years ago, buddy. -That was three years ago?

-Yup. -That was brutal.

Penultimate worst.

-That was the penultimate worst? -Yes, it was.

-You don't wanna say ''penultimate.'' -Yeah, I do.

-You wanna say ''ultimate.'' -No, I wanna say ''penultimate.''

''Penultimate'' means second-to-last.

Yeah, but that was the last time we all got together.

That's not the same thing.

So, what, you're saying I should have discussed it with you guys first?

You know what, Matt? We're trying to come up here and have a nice weekend,

and now this.

Was it definite?

-It just slipped out. -How...

Excuse me? How... How does that just slip out?

I don't know.

Well, what? What, did she beat it out of you?

Yeah, I think she beat it out of him.

Nobody beat it out of me. I just said it.

Great.

Tasty.

So, what? What... I mean, what did she say?

I mean, was she surprised? I mean, was she, like, totally, totally, completely shocked?

-''Was she, like, totally, totally, totally...'' -Dash... Yo.

You know what, guys? I really don't want to discuss it anymore. All right?

Drama of the week.

I thought you guys were doing the whole open thing.

Qh, fuck, D, listen, I don't want to talk about it anymore.

I don't know anyone who would agree to do the whole open thing.

We're supposed to tell each other if there's someone else.

Really? And that's supposed to make things better?

I think it's respectful.

More respectful is just not saying anything.

Ignorance is bliss, right?

So, what, he didn't tell you anything?

Which could mean that there's nobody.

Qr that there could be somebody.

Should've got that place together when you had the chance.

Eve!

Just being honest.

Eve's still looking hot. We can talk about that.

What have you guys been up to?

Shit.

Long-distance relationships are hard.

What?

What? What are you talking about?

You... You've been with the same girl since you were what, like, three?

And you cheat on her constantly.

-No. Hey! -Give me that.

Can I have that, please?

No, I don't.

-You don't? -I don't do that anymore.

-Qh, you don't... -What? I don't do that anymore.

-Qh, you... Qh, I'm sorry. -Qh!

For the record.

Really? Because that's... That's not what it looked like

-that time that chick was sitting down... -No, no, no, no, no.

-No? Qh. -No. No.

-No, because... No. -No?

-No? -Yes, but no, I don't...

-I'm like really trying not to do that anymore. -Good for you.

So, you don't, but you do? Is that your final answer?

I just think, you know, I'm getting too old for it.

-Too old to be chasing it all the time and... -So, let me get this straight.

Essentially, you're saying that you're too tired to cheat on your wife?

No, what I'm saying is, it's like,

I've just traded the quality for the quantity too many times.

Yeah, well, Dash, a lot of the people try to figure that out before they get the ring on.

Yeah, well, I figured that one out the hard way, then, didn't l?

And I'm making up for it now.

Like, we haven't seen each other more than two times this year,

and all of a sudden you're an expert on my marriage?

This conversation's killing my buzz.

Look, all I was trying to say, anyway,

is life is a fucking series of long-distance relationships.

You know, your family, your friends and that...

We're all in a long-distance relationship.

-Wow, that's deep. -Yup.

-That must be some good pot. -It is some good pot.

Yeah, it's not bad.

-And anyway, what about your girlfriend? -What about her?

She's kind of got that whole Catholic-school-girl thingy going on.

-I was thinking the same thing. -Yo, guys, she's having a nap. Just...

You got her all locked up in detention?

Are you gonna go back there and give her a couple of smacks with your ruler?

-Dashiell! -She gotta do some schoolwork

-before she comes out? -Dash!

Maybe, I should go back there and help her clean the chalkboard?

-Yeah? -Well, how old is she, anyways?

-Discretion, always the better part of valor. -I'm 22, actually.

What's up?

I'm gonna go for a walk.

Qh, the girls are down swimming, if you want, at the dock.

Qh, I just kind of feel like going for a walk.

Baker, remember that time at Jennifer Warren's party

when you pissed on Jane Caufield, man?

-Tell her about standing on the boards... -He doesn't know what he's talking about.

-Remember that? That was... -He's a bit insane.

-That was not... That wasn't me. -That was so you. That was hilarious.

-Sure. -Where the hell is Ted anyway?

Sorry, I thought it was you, man.

Qh, look, she's going out to play.

Be nice.

You didn't have to try to make small talk with her for three hours

waiting for someone else to get here.

She just doesn't know anyone.

Anyone her own age anyway.

-Where did he meet her? -Babysitting.

Hey, weren't you supposed to be bringing some new guy up this weekend?

-Yeah, Eve, what happened with that? -Same thing that always happens.

Qh! His wife wouldn't let him.

No. This guy wasn't married, he wasn't cheating with me on someone else.

I don't know, maybe that was the problem.

You know, just with all of them, I get to that point

where things just seem broken and I just don't have the energy anymore to fix it.

-Can you change this song? -Why, you don't like it?

No.

Qh, that's new.

I thought you were all anti-tattoo, anti-piercing, anti-scarification.

No, no, I never said that.

-Qh, yes, you did. -No!

-Really? -Yes, you did.

Well, if I did, I don't remember it.

Anyway, Dash and I both got these. We did it instead of renewing our vows.

-His idea? -Yes, it was his gift to me.

Amber, did you know when he was cheating on you?

Well, in my case, Kim, it was a little obvious.

-No, I mean, I wasn't talking about... -Walking in on him?