The Cleveland Show

* my name is cleveland brown *

* and I am proud to be *

* right back in my hometown *

* with my new family *

* there's old friends and new friends *

* and even a bear *

* through good times and bad times *

* it's true love we share *

* and so I found a place *

* where everyone will know *

* my happy mustached face *

* this is the cleveland show. *

So I tell her, "baby, don't come over for a play date

If you ain't ready to play."

Straight up. Uh-huh.

Shorty be tripping.

That's my old lady.

I'm out.

A'ight then.

Be good, my brother.

What up, shavonne!

Hi, rallo!

Dang.

That lady's butt-- kablam!

Rallo, you boys been playing with my shoes again?

No.

Really?

You know what this means.

This means I got to go shoe shopping!

* *

Okay, then we'll meet at 7:00.

I'll text vanessa and I.M. Jodie.

You twitter gabby, poke tracy and cyber-bully maria.

Oh, I got another call. Hang on, girl.

Hey, girl!

Ooh, hang on, girl.

Hey, girl!

Wow, donna, between rallo and roberta,

This house is a veritable beehive of activity.

Mm-hmm, and the queen bee is happy to see her honey.

Cleveland jr.: 1,345...

1,346...

1,347...

1,348...

What are you doing, son?

Counting to a million.

Why, why are you doing that?

Why does anybody do anything?

Did you eat the brownies in the back of the freezer?

No.

Good. Don't!

'cause they're your dad's for when he goes to concerts.

Got it?

Okay.

1,349...

Man, I got to find cleveland jr. A friend.

I agree.

That boy is lonelier than

A widowed trapeze artist with alzheimer's.

Ah.

Ah.

Huh.

This is a good place to meet people.

See anyone who interests you?

That guy seems cool.

Or how about that young man over there

Playing basketball?

Hey, mind if we play?

Sure. All right.

The two of you against this old-timer.

Check it.

Ow! Ow!

Foul! Foul!

Daddy, he's leaving.

Well, then he forfeits.

You forfeit!

He seems lonely.

Looks like he could use a friend, too.

Hey, sport, I got a proposition for you.

Yeah?

My name's cleveland.

How'd you like to play with cleveland jr.?

What? Oh, you'll love him.

He's a little chubby, but he's always up for a good time.

A lot of other kids have jerked him around, but I can tell

You're the kind of guy who would treat him right.

Don't get me wrong, he's a handful, but a nice handful.

Look, I'll be honest with you.

I'm tired of playing with him.

You want to see him?

Come over by the car, and I'll let you have a look.

Come on, what do you say?

I'll give you 30 bucks right now

If you play with him in the car.

Boomerang.

You know, once I read over the transcript,

I could see how my words might have been misconstrued.

Thanks for trying to help me, dad.

Maybe we'll find me a friend tomorrow.

Yes, we will.

And if not then, then the next day.

And if not then, then the next day.

And if not then, we'll give up.

Because that will have been four days, and that's enough.

Hey, there's lester krinklesac's boy.

What are you doing, ernie?

Playing kick the can.

I didn't know you could play that alone.

Well, I don't have any friends.

Ow! Daddy!

Wear your damn seat belt!

Ernie, this is my son cleveland jr.

He doesn't have any friends either.

You want to play kick the can?

Do I?!

That's okay, I didn't get it at first either.

I'll teach you how.

All right.

Now, you half-wits have a good time.

* *

And then the old lady was hobbling after us

'cause the crab apple we threw broke her windshield,

And she tripped over a surveying flag and landed in the mud!

I bet even she had to laugh at that one.

I tell you, ernie, it's nice having you here.

Looks like I'm not the only one

Around here with a white boyfriend.

She's trying to call you homosexuals,

Cleveland jr. And ernie.

That's funny.

I'm gonna use that.

I'm gonna use it right now.

Y'all are homosexuals!

This has been a perfect day.

Well, you know, ernie, the fun doesn't have to end.

Why don't we have a good old-fashioned sleepover?

Yeah! Really?!

Sure!

Mi casa es su casa.

Wow, your dad knows janitor language!

I love it here!

Come on to my room, ernie.

We can look at our boogers under the microscope!

Cool!

You can go, too, cleveland.

Cool!

: Oh, gross!

Hey, y'all. So what are we grubbing on tonight?

Oh, ernie, you're back for dinner.

Again.

Yep. You said I could come over anytime,

So I'm moving in.

Well, that's not exactly what I...

If cleveland jr.'s boyfriend gets to live here,

Then why can't mine?

Okay, he can't live here,

And federline's definitely not gonna live here!

Ah, I sat on my nuts!

Can I help you?

Hi, lester.

This is a little awkward, but ernie was talking about

Moving into my house, and I figured you...

That true, ernie?

You want to live here or there?

There, I reckon.

Eh, boy's all yours.

Well, let's go home.

I'll get out of these pants and you can play with cleveland jr.

I shouldn't talk to boys.

I brought all my stuff!

My kit, my kaboodle, my doo-dads,

My doo-hickies, my doo-jiggers, my gee-gaws.

We're gonna be roommates.

Oh, perfect.

Just what we need, another dude.

Would it kill somebody to bring home

A hot puerto rican chick who's into black midgets?

And this is princess, my pet possum.

Hide the cheese!

Sorry, but I'm no good at living with animals.

Hey, big fat ugly tumor head man,

I'm going down to the student center.

You want a soda or something?

I am referred to as the elephant man.

You don't look like an elephant.

You look like a big fat ugly tumor head man.

This is not why they call me the elephant man.

Morning.

Uh, could you at least

Run the water while you're doing that?

Okay.

Do y'all have a disposal,

Or should I do the rest in the yard?