Gossip Girl

Hey, Serena.

Nate.

This is Juliet.

Here you go, grandpa. This is Milo Humphrey, your grandson.

We need to get our own paternity test done.

Milo's bracelet says his blood type is o-negative.

Likely, so is Milo's real father.

I've been acting like I'm okay, but I'm not.

What if I stay like this forever?

What if I never get over Chuck?

When you dragged me in from the alley,

you didn't just save my life.

You gave me the hope of a new one.

To New York? You got me a ticket?

We don't need tickets. I'm Chuck Bass.

I don't understand.

How can "Gossip Girl" be down my first day at Columbia?

Maybe Gossip Girl get kidnapped? Unstable ex-boyfriend

lock Internet tattletale in basement...

Dorota! What did I tell you?

No more watching "Law & Order: SVU"

while you're breast-feeding.

No, unlike those plebeians at N.Y.U., the students at Columbia

actually respect and understand the power of Gossip Girl.

But how is my first day supposed to matter

if Gossip Girl isn't around to tell people it does?

Still nothing.

Good.

I forgot how exciting the first day of school can be...

a new fall wardrobe, fresh slate.

The fact that Gossip Girl isn't around to stir up trouble

only makes it that much more perfect.

Or she could be planning something big

for your first day. After all, the site says

"under construction," not, uh, "out of service."

What are you doing up here? I was worried.

Just looking at your world. It's magnificent.

So if you really are the big boss like you say,

can you make it so that no one comes up here and disturbs us??

I already made the call.

Well, the good thing about no Gossip Girl...

No Chuck.

What about you?

You're the one who has to start college

with an ex-boyfriend loose on campus.

Oh, there won't be any issues. Nate and I are still friends,

even if he is dating some gorgeous blonde named Juliet.

Oh, please. You are Serena Van Der Woodsen.

We've been on campus... what, five minutes?

I bet there's already

an entire frat house filled with guys fighting over you.

And don't worry. My jealousy issues are as over

as surf fabrics for evening wear.

Besides, we're carrying on

our divide and conquer strategy from Paris.

But where will our neutral meeting ground be?

Hot & crusty will not possibly do after Cafe Louis-Philippe.

But Hamilton house will.

So they do have a Columbia chapter.

You know, I always suspected Nate was a member,

but he would never fess up.

He was right not to. Their membership is so restricted

they make soho house look like a halfway house.

So then how do we apply?

We don't.

Incoming students are selected by an anonymous board of alumni.

If you dare to think you were chosen,

you have to find the keymaster on the first day of class.

Either a key or white-hot shame awaits you.

Then let's go receive our new accessories.

Hello?

I'm dreading this.

As much as the truth might be a relief,

it's also the toughest thing he'll ever have to face.

Well, just be prepared. Who knows how he'll react?

He may not even believe you.

And genetics don't lie,

even though some doctors who administer paternity tests do.

I'm here. Wish me luck.

Good luck, my darling.

Hey, dad.

Is everything okay?

Is Georgina home?

No. She should be back from her spa trip any moment.

Why? Why? What's going on?

Hey, man.

I meant to give this back to you last night.

This summer was... Very rewarding, but I'm done.

You and Serena back on?

No. No, but I'm good.

I, uh, I met this girl I like.

Now if I could only get her to go out with me.

Have faith.

If a good woman can change me,

surely one can date you.

Good morning, Nate. It's nice to see you.

Nice to see you, Eva.

Everything's so different.

I keep wanting to call him Henry.

It's a long story, but it has a happy ending.

Should I make us some breakfast?

You don't have to make anything for anyone.

You can have whatever you want at the touch of a button.

Now Simone is waiting for you in the spa on the second floor.

Just tell her what you'd like to eat.

She'll have it delivered before your massage... or after.

It's entirely up to you.

This is crazy. Your life is... perfect.

Now so is yours.

So, Henry, why do I get the impression

that you might not have told her your whole life story?

Wow, and I thought college

was gonna be different than high school.

Who would want that?

Sorry, but this is a private club.

No has-beens allowed.

Penelope. Good to see you, too. Long time.

Clearly, standards have slipped if you're a member here.

To whom should I speak to have you removed

once we get our keys?

The wall. My great-aunt- she was a founding member.

Ah. Nepotism.

That explains it. Now if you don't mind,

would you direct us to the keymaster

and then get me some cashews? I'm famished.

Those two? We're so in.

Oh, no, it's her.

You know the keymaster? That's perfect.

Well, maybe.

We're here to get our keys.

Blair Waldorf, Serena Van Der Woodsen.

Hi. We've met.

I'm... sorry. We have?

At Dan Humphrey's, with Nate.

Oh. Right. Serena.

This is why I hate it when best friends show up together.

Unfortunately, I'm down to my very last key,

which means... only one of you made the list.

Only one?

It's okay.

We'll find a different meeting place,

like the library or bookstore or Starbucks.

This key is for Blair Waldorf.

Sorry for the silent treatment, gossips.

But everyone needs the occasional r & r,

even yours truly.

Lucky for you,

I observed a sacred upper east side tradition

and had a little work done while I was gone.

Now enough with the pleasantries.

Time for the dirt.

I spy with my many eyes...

Chuck Bass returning from Paris yesterday

with a pretty, new fall accessory.

But if she's the kind of girl you bring home

to meet your stepmother, why is Chuck visiting lily solo?

I'm so sorry. I know how much Milo means to you.

I just can't... believe this.

Why? Why would Georgina do this? How...

you want me to stick around till she gets home?

We can talk to her together, figure this out.

No, no, I-I think... I think I need to handle this on my own.

Thanks, dad.

Also spotted- lonely boy's baby mama

looking like one hot mama on the beach in St. Barts.

If she's flown the coop,

who's cleaning up her baby's poop?

And what about Serena and Blair?

It seems our girls have started their college careers

with a social call to Hamilton house.

I'm sorry, Serena, but this club is for members only.

Great. I'll see myself out then.

But if b. Is the one holding the key to the kingdom,

guess Serena is out in the cold.

I'm sorry for what happened with Jenny.

She was in a bad place. I could've helped her.

Instead, I just used her pain for my own self-destruction.

Thank you for the apology.

And welcome home.

Please don't disappear again.

I don't intend to.

I just hope everyone's as relieved to see me as you are.

Well, let's not ask for too much off the bat, shall we?

So tell me what happened.

I heard about the mugging from Serena, but then...

I, um, met someone.

Someone wonderful.

She found me, nursed me back to health.

Her name's Eva.

So when do I get to meet her?

When do you feel it would be appropriate

to introduce her to everyone?

I'm not going to lie.

You haven't exactly come home to a fan club.

But let me talk to Rufus and Eric, and, um,

see if I can make some progress.

I'd appreciate that.

Why don't you bring Eva to fashion's night out tomorrow?

Everyone can meet and mingle

without the pressure of a dinner.