California Scheming

- What do you think you're doing, jackass?!

Oh.

What are you doing?

Come on.

It's okay, little guy.

You're kidding me.

I'll take care of you.

Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh.

Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh.

That looks pretty bad.

That's obvious.

Some idiotic neighborhood kid shot him with a slingshot.

Think it got him in the neck.

It's a good shot.

I wouldn't waste my time on it.

It looks like he doesn't have much juice left in him.

I guess we could take a look.

- All right. Come hold him.

Try to hold his wings down.

Fucking hate birds.

Feels like...

Yeah, it's definitely a nail.

- We used to do that when we were kids, dude.

Remember?

Uh, I-it looks really bad.

We should just put him out of his misery, really.

- I could try to pull the nail out of his neck.

You think you can do it?

I could try.

Man.

So, I'm Jason.

I'm Nick.

Wait. I think I...

I got it.

- We need to clean him up and see if he can eat.

Jason, why don't you check the fridge

and see if we've got anything?

- I'll just check the trash can. That's where he usually eats.

Um, so, where are you from?

- I'm from New York, but after her second divorce,

my mother moved us out to the west coast.

What school do you go to?

Archer.

All green dresses and only nice girls.

What about you two?

Uh, I go to Harvard-westlake,

and Nick is our public-school boy, going to Malibu high.

Go, sharks.

Chloe, where are you?

I know you're here somewhere.

What the hell is happening in here?

Are you bleeding?!

Why are you guys

trying to kill a bird in my kitchen?

Is this some sort of new thing?

And, Chloe, why aren't you answering me when I call you?

Meet Nick and Jason.

We found this bird on the beach,

and Nick pulled a nail out of its neck.

Now I'm trying to make him pretty again.

- It's really nice to meet you, Mrs...

- Vandersteen. It's Mrs. vandersteen.

- It's really nice to meet you, Mrs. vandersteen.

I'm Jason Rourke.

- As you can see, we're pretty busy.

What do you want?

I wanted to let you know

that I'm having a visitor tonight,

so I would appreciate it if you didn't come upstairs.

Do me a flavor... clean this crap up, okay?

Of course.

It's good to meet you. - It was nice...

Shut up, dude!

I'm better than you! - Fuck you!

Hand me my phone.

Sweet.

Yo, she sent me a message.

What?

It's a video.

The fuck?

Hi, boys.

I just wanted to say thank you

for helping me with this little guy.

Really means a lot.

If you're not busy tomorrow afternoon,

you should come by my place.

I'd love to see you.

- Dude, she was fucking naked in that!

No, she wasn't!

- She was definitely fucking naked!

I swear to God. I swear to God.

- All right. Let's... let's watch it again.

She was not naked. - Fuck you, dude.

Hi, boys.

- Oh, my God. She's naked!

She's absolutely naked.

Who does that?!

Really means a lot.

- We've hit the lottery with this fucking girl, bro.

Have you got a new pet?

Oh, the gull.

That's one of Chloe's experiments.

I'm surprised it survived the night.

Who's Chloe?

Never mind.

Never mind.

That's it.

Go.

- I know you asked for water, but these are way better.

Cool.

Wow.

So, uh, how's our gull doing?

Much better.

He's on the upper deck.

Made it through the night, but I had to shorten his leash.

My mom went to the city for the night.

So...

you want to pop off?

What?

Lily!

Chloe! My girl.

What's up?

Where are you?

I'm in Malibu, and I miss you.

How's New York?

Malibu?

Wow. You guys are really moving around.

I miss you, too.

Looks like you're not alone.

Who are those two cuties?

Hi, guys.

- Hey. - Yo!

- Too bad I can't be there to hang out with you guys.

But let me guess.

You want to pop off, right?

Absolutely.

And who would know better than you?

One condition.

Those two have to take off their shirts.

- Come on. What are you waiting for?

Dude, are you serious?

Come on, dude.

Girl, where did you find those two puppies?

By the way, I'm sure you've already heard,

but mission accomplished.

- Really? That was fast.

No, I've not heard about it.

You are so fantastic and evil.

I love it!

- She had a nervous breakdown after she figured out

we posted that little nasty video clip of hers.

She was such an easy target.

God, I love cyberbullying.

School must have been so boring before the Internet.

She deserves it.

You have no idea how much I hate that bitch.

No problem.

There goes another Mary poppins.

But back to more important things.

Looks like we have everything we need.

Okay. Take two of the vicodins and one of the ambulare.

Then wait 20 minutes before you take two

of each of the proful and the chromoful.

Should last you all day and do the trick.

When you wake up in the morning,

you'll still feel like a butterfly.

Have fun, girl.

And you two can put your shirts back on.

- Thanks, lily. You're the best.

Ta-ta.

Ahh.

- Feels like my brain isn't connected to my body anymore.

- Did you guys get that little clip I sent you last night?

Fuck, yeah, we did.

That was so... that was so cool.

That was so awesome.

- I like to make videos, post them on Facebook or YouTube.

It's part of my master plan to become famous.

Famous for what?

Doesn't really matter.

Just famous.

Bottom line is that...

You have to go the full 9 yards, and...

Those last few yards

can take you to some really dark places, you know?

Sometimes when my mother is sleeping with some...

Producer or manager guy...

She gets herself auditions for TV shows.

Small roles, but...

I just don't think that's the way it works, you know?

For me it's about one thing...

be good...

Or be good at it.

Press "record."

You can touch me if you want.

Now it's your turn.

Let's go skinny-dipping.

Come on!

Dude.