The Crazy Ones

I'm not gonna sugarcoat this.

Only some of you are gonna get this job.

It's a business of broken hearts.

But you know that... you're professionals.

They're so cute! I just want

to eat your little faces off!

Oh, don't worry, I won't.

Okay, babies,

for the purpose of this audition,

you're babies, wearing our client's cute little outfits.

And... action.

And scene.

Many of you were very good.

You, sir, were dogging it.

You know you were. Yeah.

Look at him.

Someone has baby fever.

Guilty. Our creative director,

my daughter, is in a promising relationship,

and I hope that one of you is in my near future.

And auditions like these will be unnecessary,

because clearly I'm a big fan of nepotism.

Hey, piglet, how about you and me truffle hunt.

Come on, now.

Morning, beautiful.

I bet you say that to all the women who take you in after they get you fired.

All of 'em.

Mm. No, I can't.

- I'm gonna be late for work. - No, come on, you nerd.

You don't have to be on time for work.

Listen, a very wise person once said:

"No matter what you do,

"it's bound to be a waste of time in the end,

so you may as well go mad."

Who was that, Jack Kerouac?

Kim Cattrall.

Well, in that case...

I guess I could be a little late.

There you go. It's chill.

Yeah. Oh, hey,

I'm gonna hit the bathroom, unless you need it first.

Oh, no. You go.

I hardly ever use the bathroom.

Hey, Jaleel. Me, again.

Hey, I don't even know if I told you.

I just started seeing this guy, and he lost his job when

I made out with him when he was cater-waitering,

but his roommate was also his boss,

so he also lost the couch that he was sleeping on,

and I'm kind of letting him live with me

in the meantime...

anyway, you know, it's a little too early

or him to be thinking about me

having, you know... biological functions,

so if I could just, uh,

one more... You da best, J-Man.

That's new.

Okay.

Uh... oh, I'll take the one with the princess lighting up.

I don't smoke, but she's cute.

Okay.

I promise, last time, J-Man. You da best.

Nice, real nice.

You should be paying me to use your bathroom.

I'm the only one cleaning it.

Oh, fine. Give me three packs.

So, what if we had a JetSky Airlines plane

shaking hands with of one of the many continents they fly over?

Do you mean something like... this?

Bingo. Synchronicity much?

I got to tell you something, Andrew... you are by far the best

art director I have ever worked with, hands down. SIMON: You've been doing some

great work, Andrew, and I'm not just saying that 'cause Zach's

on vacation. Is he back yet?

I made him promise to text me

when he got back. I don't see why he needs a vacation.

Every day's a vacation when you're Zach, right?

What were we talking about? Me.

Really? Gold star, my boy.

Yeah, yeah, gold star, man.

You know what? You deserve that.

Aw, that kind of stuff doesn't really mean anything to me.

It's not like I need a cookie every time I do something good.

Although, if you're going to the break room, do you think you...

Cookie, right? Yeah, yeah, I'm on it. Course.

Here's a fun game.

You know what annoying thing isn't happening right now?

You inviting me to see opera in the park?

Ah, that ship has sailed.

Your loss, by the way.

It was Der Rosenkavalier,

which is a pants opera... so-called because a woman

takes on the male lead... in this case,

a mezzo soprano played Octavian.

That's stupid.

Anyway, the annoying thing that isn't happening,

is me having to clean my stupid desk

because stupid Zach has put his stupid feet up on it.

Nice George keeps his nice feet on the floor.

Come on, you miss Zach. Eh, yeah.

He's just got some annoying habits.

I'm gonna say it. You know, a week without Zach

has been a refreshing change of pace.

I'm not even gonna feel guilty about it.

Hey, look who's back! And with gifts for everyone.

And for those of you who think I got them

at O'Hare Airport, you couldn't be more wrong.

- I got them at Miami Airport. - Ooh!

I've hated every second you've been gone.

Oh, my God, I am so sorry I'm...

47 minutes late. I've never been so proud.

Owen has been such a wonderful influence on you.

Where are you two at? Tell, tell, tell. I want to know everything.

He's awesome. And he's so talented.

Wait, look at this picture he took of me.

Ooh! Oh, wait, not that one. Here, this one.

Whoa, what a wonderful photo.

I've never seen you look happier.

He's so into you. He's either gonna marry you

or bury your head under a bridge.

Oh, I love beginnings.

So, are you two officially a couple?

Is there an awkward Thanksgiving in our future?

Maybe. I mean, it's crazy, you know?

I'm suddenly in this living-together relationship,

but I still have to be on first-date behavior.

I have to look my best, act my best, avoid messy foods.

I mean, if I

had to say one thing about him...

There it is... there's the seed that grows into a break-up.

No. Uh... I mean, it's just that he...

hasn't even started looking for a job yet.

But I don't mind. I mean, I kind of

like that he's not all caught up in the rat race.

My cousin runs a rat race.

Either way, it's not a deal breaker. You know what?

You're right. This relationship went from zero to 60 overnight.

The wind is in our hair.

The car is zooming, sister.

We're just adjusting to it, that's all. Yeah.

It's over, Lauren... there go my grandkids.

Good-bye, little Benjamin Simon.

Ciao, Simone Simon.

See you later, Lou Diamond Simon.

Who knows, maybe it'll work out for her.

She once broke up with a guy

because he used the phrase, "awesome sauce."

Right. That's my daughter.

She obsesses about one little thing until she blows.

I'm supposed to think a guy without a job's gonna last?

Oh, well, what are you gonna do, right? Nothing.

Though, frankly, I'm as emotionally invested in this as she is.

Basically, she's living with a guy, and it's working.

When are the stars ever going to align like this again for us?

Oh...

I can't meddle. I just can't.

Or can I?

Is my eyebrow going up?

No.

Would you?

I'm still on first-date behavior

at home with Owen.

I haven't had a good slop-burger in, like, three days.

Oh. It's a medical condition,

really.

I have a very high metabolism.

Holy crap! He's coming!

May I have your attention, please?

Everyone, this is

- Owen Winters. - What is going on?

I don't know. You may know him as Sydney's

hunky live-in boyfriend, but he is also

a Peter Parker-level photographer and our newest employee.

Don't clap for yourself.

Why would you do this?

- Hmm? - Do you think I can't handle

- my personal life without your help? - I wasn't helping you,

I was helping the agency.

He has a very impressive portfolio.

You saw one picture on a cell phone.

Come on, admit it, you're hiring him

because you want to see me happy.

When you say it out loud, it does sound evil.

Okay, fine, I was meddling.

I've never meddled before. I'd like to say

it won't happen again, but I think

- I've found my inner yenta. - This is gonna be

a disaster. You realize I have to be

on first-date behavior 24/7.

Let me ask you this: When you chat with your friends

on the phone and they ask what he does,

do you say he's unemployed?

- No. I... - Mm-hmm.

Act like I can't hear them, and then

I tell them my carbon monoxide alarm's going off and I hang up.

- What will you say now? - He's a photographer. But not one

of those artsy-fartsy ones... he makes bank.

Okay, maybe this could work.

That's the spirit. I promise this'll be great.

Say "this'll be great."