Louis C.K. 2017 (Louis C.K.: 2017)

Go ahead and do the lights.

Go ahead.

Ladies and gentlemen, Louis C.K.

Hello.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Um...

So, you know, I think abortion is, um...

I...

Here's what I think.

Here's what I... This is what I think.

Here's what I think. I...

I think you should not get an abortion unless you need one.

In which case... In which case, you'd better get one.

I mean, seriously.

If you need an abortion, you'd better get one.

Don't fuck around.

And hurry.

Not getting an abortion that you need is like not taking a shit.

That's how bad that is.

It's like not taking a shit.

That's what I think.

I think abortion is exactly like taking a shit.

I think it is 100% the exact same thing as taking a shit.

Or it isn't.

It is, or it isn't.

It's either taking a shit, or it's killing a baby.

It's only one of those two things.

It's no other things.

If you didn't like hearing it's like taking a shit,

you think it's killing a baby. That's the only other one you get to have.

Which means you should be holding a sign in front of the place.

People hate abortion protesters. They're so shrill and awful.

They think babies are being murdered.

What are they supposed to be like? "Uh, that's not cool."

I don't wanna be a dick about it, though.

I don't want to ruin their day as they murder several babies all the time.

I don't think it's killing a baby. I don't.

I mean, it is, it's a little bit...

It's a little bit killing a baby. It's a little bit...

It's 100% killing a baby. It's totally killing a whole baby.

But I think that women should be allowed to kill babies.

That's what I think.

They should be allowed to kill babies.

Yeah.

Whoo!

We get to kill babies!

Let's do some shots and kill some babies.

I killed like four babies last night. It was fucking retarded.

It has to be one or the other.

You know, like, when people say, abortion should be legal, safe and rare.

Why rare if it should be legal?

If it should be legal, it's... It's shitting.

If it should be rare, it's murdering babies.

But, again, women should be allowed because...

Two reasons I think women should be allowed to kill babies.

Number one, I don't think life is that important.

It's just not.

It is not.

People get too excited...

about life. "Oh, life."

Fuck you. It's not that...

Make a list of every shitty thing ever, that's in life.

Life is okay. I like life.

I like it. I don't need it.

I'd be fine without it.

I like life, though. I do. You know how much I like life?

I have never killed myself.

- That's how much I like it. - Whoo!

That's exactly how much I like it, with a razor-thin margin.

I like it precisely enough to not kill myself.

It's an option, though. It's totally an option.

I mean, I'm 49. I have two kids.

I've flipped through the brochure a few times.

I've thought of killing myself just to win an argument.

Not supposed to talk about suicide, even to your shrink.

You ever go to a shrink and they're like, "Have you had thoughts... of suicide?"

And you're like, "No, because if I say yes, you'll press a button,

and folks will run in and hold me... "Hold him down!"

You should talk about it.

The whole world is just made of people who didn't kill themselves today.

That's who's here.

It's all of us that went, "Okay, fuck it, keep doing it."

It's...

It's an interesting thing about life.

Life can get very difficult, very sad, very upsetting.

But you don't have to do it. You don't have to do it.

You don't have to do anything.

You never have to do anything because you can kill yourself.

If they send you a letter from Motor Vehicles, come in and:

"No, I don't. I'll kill myself."

You can do that. You can do that once.

But you can do it.

It's interesting because even when life gets bad, people choose it over nothing.

Even the worst versions of life, even a shitty, shitty life,

is worth living, apparently.

'Cause folks are living the fuck out of them.

Have you ever seen somebody, you're like, "He should kill himself.

Why did he not... that dude..."

Ever been driving and you look in the next car, you're like, "Ugh, shit.

I wish I hadn't looked in that car.

That was difficult to glance at...

let alone being it."

Just a guy in a...

In a tan car.

Nobody chooses tan.

Nobody picks tan for their car.

They give you tan.

"Is that mine?" "Yeah, it's yours, fucking loser. Made it tan."

They shouldn't even make tan cars. It's mean to make them.

You look over, you see a guy in a tan car with dents all over it

and a garbage bag for a window.

What is holding up his suicide?

What is delaying it?

What is keeping him from stopping being that?

And what would it take?

What would it take?

What would it take?

Both windows are garbage bags? Is that...?

Seriously, do you know how much misery is involved in a garbage bag for a window?

Do you know how many separate moments of shit misery?

"They canceled my insurance. I broke my window.

Duct tape."

Here's the truth. Running away will not solve your problems. That's totally true.

But killing yourself solves all your problems.

It actually does.

It even solves world's problems.

For you.

"Hey, what about ISIS?"

"Kill yourself.

Then they'll never get you."

Seriously, if everybody who's afraid of ISIS

kills themselves right now,

then ISIS loses.

Because they live in a world of people that don't give a shit.

"We're gonna cut his head off!"

"Yeah, okay."

"It's not fun now."

I think the worst part of being beheaded...

If...

The worst thing about being beheaded is that you look really dumb right after.

That's the worst part.

They go like that, and you're like: "Duh."

Just that fucking dopey...

I don't think they like beheading bald people 'cause they can't do this...

That's the best part.

They got to go like this.

It's not as cool.

So, just shave the top of your head, and you won't have to worry about it.

So, that's the first reason.

That's the first reason I think women should be allowed to kill babies.

'Cause life is not so important.

The second reason is because that's their job.

Women have to decide who lives and dies.

That's because they're the female of the species.

In the reproductive arena, that's what the female does.

They are the selectors. They have to decide this.

We give them this responsibility when we fuck them.

We go, "Here, you decide what to do with this shit."

See you later.

She has to figure out if you should have kids,

if she should have them. That's her job. Because women have judgment.

They have judgment. Men don't have judgment.

Men have intent.

Men just want to spray the world with their cum, just mist.

"More of me.

More of me."

It's her job to go, "That's enough of you, I think.

No, that's really enough."

I don't think that face needs to repeat.

I've seen your father, and it's not getting better.

She doesn't realize this until after you fuck her.

That's actually when she really knows, is when you're like, "Yeah!"

And she's like, "I'm not having this piece of shit's baby."

And that's why abortion is the last line of defense

against shitty people in the species.

So, we need them to abort every shitty baby.

I mean, all animals do this. Animals do it late.

They have the baby.

Then they're like, "You know what? It's cold. I'm gonna eat this one."

"But when is it okay? When should they be allowed?"

When it's in their pussy. That whole time.

It's in her pussy.

If there's a dude in your pussy, you get to kill him.

I think that's pretty fundamental.

You're allowed to kill people if they're in your house.

So... that's what I think.

I have two kids.

I try to be a better person around my kids.

I try to change my behavior around them.

Like, I have rules in my house, they all apply to me.

Like, I have a rule that I don't curse around my kids.

That's a rule. It does happen.

You have a stressful moment, and you're with your kids,

so, you say something by mistake.

One time I was making dinner for my kids, and I gave my daughter a bowl of soup.

And I said, "Here's your fucking soup."

But, uh...

You can see how that was a tough... situation.