TripTank

There is no god!

God, god, god...

There is no Evan!

Evan, Evan, Evan...

Hmm. Mo (BLEEP) .

S01E03 - "Game Over".

- Hey, guys, I'm little girl one one... - Six.

Today I'm gonna make a tutorial on the cup song from "Pitch Prefect."

So what you're gonna need is a flat surface,

a cup, and your hands, and obviously yourself.

Okay, so let's get started. Just follow my steps.

I just blew your freakin' mind. Now try it yourself.

H i. (YELPS)

What the hell?

Hello?

Why don't you ever take me out to dinner?

Since when can you talk?

This is the first time I've officially spoken.

- "Officially"? - I'm in love with you.

What? You're not a person.

- You're just a... - Just a what, Andrew?

- How do you know my name? - Call me Veronica.

Why don't you ever tell me how your day was?

I don't know. I figured you wouldn't care.

I... and you're not a real person!

If I wasn't real, would I be able to do this?

There's more where that came from.

- Now let's go to dinner. - Anywhere you want.

- Triptank. - Hi. I am so glad you answered the phone.

I just... I have to tell you I love your show.

No, I mean, I love it. Like...

like, every fiber of my being wants your comedy inside of me.

I want to massage your jokes with my tongue

and feel the laughter spilling out over and over again.

Length is just not that important.

Yah. What a headache.

Who am I? I-I don't remember anything!

Waaah!

A table! A note!

"Dear Randy..."

Ugh! Randy is a terrible name.

"...there is only one thing I know for sure. Turn over."

I'm an asshole called Randy? This is shit!

you, wooden table!

Wait. It doesn't have to be like this.

(CHEERFUL WHISTLED TUNE) I can change!

Today I am going to be a great man!

- Life is wonderful. - Hey, spare some change, mister?

- Of course, my good man. - Wow! Thanks, mister!

I ask you every day, but this is the first time

you ever gave me anything.

To be honest, I-I always thought you were sort of an asshole.

Well, not today.

Today we're going to have fun and be joyful!

What do you want to do?

- Just name it. Anything! - Anything?

Look at the (BLEEP) sunset!

It's so beautiful!

You know, it's been a perfect day.

I really feel like a new man.

I don't need that stupid

I've changed. I'll remember this.

I feel great, and I'm a great person.

Randy is a stupid name, though.

Aah!

"You are an asshole."

See you tomorrow, Randy.

What a stupid name.

Here we go, man. Old school, mano a mano.

- Roy's gonna make... - (PHONE RINGS) Hello, triptank.

Oh. Oh, hey. I just wanted to say, like,

my friends and I, we, like, laugh about, you know, like, each other.

We're like, "that's c... " you know, like, "oh, we...

we know that," or, like, "we know what that is."

We're like, um...

so I guess I was just, um, (GUYS COUGHING)

I'm not totally sure I remember why I called,

but maybe... (CLEARS THROAT) is there a way to...

Happy birthday, sweetie.

Guess what.

- Daddy got you a... - Oh, shit! A pony!

Yeah. Yeah!

Yeaaah!

Oh, yeah, mother er!

Hi-yi-yi-yi-yah! Ya-ha!

Ai-ai-ai-ai-ai-ah!

Mother er!

Hi, what can I get...

I'll give you some time to look over the menu.

Wow. You look great with makeup.

I mean, you always look good. But tonight... wow.

Well, I'm a pieces, so I like to jazz it up sometimes.

Oh, no. Really? I'm a sagittarius.

Sagittarius and pieces don't get along.

Fire and water.

Why do these keep getting flagged as inappropriate?

This is bullshit.

I love you.

Wakka, wakka, here comes Pac-man to bite your ass.

Psh, don't you run away from me.

I'm unstoppable. My power meter's green, bitch.

Hello, Triptank.

Hello, who the is this?

Is this the guy that does the cartoons and shit?

- Maybe. - I hate it!

- Okay. - I can't turn it off because the birds,

they go crazy when it's on.

But I can't turn it off because I love the colors!

Do you understand me?

I feel crazy!

I can't turn it off, but I can't turn it on!

- (PHONE RINGS) Triptank. - Hello. My name is Salis.

I'm 12, and I would like to see more sketches

with the word in 'em.

- Rrrr. - Let me transfer you to that department.

Hold, please.

I have a headache.

Ugh.

I'm sorry. I can't control my headaches.

Oh, great. So even if I don't want to have sex,

I'm supposed to what... still do it?

Uh, yeah. Yeah, actually.

That's what people do when they're in loving relationships.

- Uh! - Oh, please.

Think of all the times I've had sex with you when I didn't want to.

- What? - Yeah!

Please, not right now.

Okay, fair enough. Let's do this.

- But keep it under five. - Yes!

Can we do anal?

Wait, what?

I'm pretty sure it was corked or something, man.

Oh, yeah? Well, why'd you drink 3/4 of it?

Look, I really need (CHUCKLES) this $5.00 back, okay?

It's been a-a rough couple months, man.

- Jeff? (YELPS) - Linda! You look amazing.

How have you been?

I think this might be the busiest week of my life.

I've got a job interview, a doctor's appointment,

- my friend's bachelorette... - Hey, you wanna grab lunch

or coffee or something?

- Uh! - Chet!

Let's drink this bubbly and get snuggly.

- (LAUGHS) I've gotta go. - Yeah, I should probably go.

I've got... I got a pretty busy week too.

Hey, Mr. Sniffles.

We got something special for our favorite special guy!

I told you guys no more surprise gifts.

Well, something tells me you're gonna love this one,

'cause you've already loved her for five years!

Oh, my god, no! We need to undo this immediately!

Well, I guess I could just clear her memories

from the last 24 hours.

- Agh! - Oops.

- Linda! - Okay, I see what I did.

Oh, what?

What, is she dead? Is she dead?

- Is she dead? - No, no, no.

She'll come back to in a couple of days.

- Maybe a month or two, tops. - Oh, Jesus Christ.

She had so much important stuff to do this week, guys.

What are we gonna do?

I don't know. Are you sure this is gonna work?

- Totally. - Are you sure she's gonna be okay?

Oh, for suresies.

Come on, Linda.

Come on, Linda.

- Get into it! - Whoo-hoo!